Blight

The facts do not add up to anything resembling truth. My ankles are wobbling. My hair is disheveled from lack of awareness and self-hatred. My teeth are straight and white, lined up like piano keys. I want to learn how to style my hair in a bun.

Cute

I like him.

.

My Basement

I have blasted a hole in the floor of my basement in hopes of achieving something. This is a leaky proposal, I have learned, for the small family that lives below my house, beneath the earth. Now my juice, which I contain in barrels in said basement, flows down through the hole to the family below. Who could have foreseen this disaster, I don't know. I am experimenting with juice and its ability to leak out of old barrels when they are tipped over. I blasted a hole in the floor of my basement to test whether the juice would seep through to the family below. However, I had no idea they would be moistened in any way.

I have sent via overnight delivery a package of absorbable, disposable towels that are found in a roll and possess convenient, perforated edges, neatly subdividing what would otehrwise be an unwieldy, extremely long, narrow towel, good for practically nothing, I am quite sure.

I am just telling you what happened. That is what happened.

Coma

I have slipped into a coma. I have just watched 6 episodes of America's Next Top Model. What am I? My toast tower has been dismantled by a beast.

Misery.

Merman

I am thinking of Merman now. It is time to cry.

.

Marzipan Mushrooms

I am sculpting these to calm myself.

.

The Beast Is Here

She is here. I told her she looked pretty this morning. My stomach is cramping due to my fearful proximity to her. She is loathsome. I have leg cramps and stomach cramps.

.

I miss prell

i really miss the jelly texture of prell. It used to be that you could pour it on to the tub and peel it off like a gummy bear. That's all.

I'm in trouble

Bad news. I left work early yesterday due to a donkey injury and one of the enemies of the mountain tattled on me. My boss called to say there was trouble in the air and to keep my head under my desk for the rest of the day. Its hot under here and my wine skin is leaking.

Bathtub

This is to get you all fired up about tomorrow morning at Grand Central. It's real clean now. But it won't be clean tomorrow.

.

Advice cube

I am setting up an advice cube from 6am - 9am at Grand Central Terminal. Please come so that I can bale you out. I kind of care.

PET UPDATE

Another enemy operation.
My second pet mouse was murdered in the closet last night.
This morning I saw it but left the carnage for my care taker to bury.
My grief was too much.

Jusin timberlake

he spoke to me last night in a dream and asked me to ditch my hussies. I resisted until he promised me riches and a recording contract. I am an excellent singer. It is part of my work of course.

Battery Pack

Today I am going to suit up with my battery pack and take off to Mars.

Ruh Roh

I woke up this morning and had to get this mess out of my computer. I feel doomful.

.

Corn Cob Pipe

Did you know that sometimes I smoke a corn cob pipe? I do. It is smoldery. I smoke a mixture of tobacco and cabbage leaves. I love the smell of burning cruciferous vegetables. It gives me the breath of fire.

My Tower

Is a tower of power. I glue the toast together with archival glue (don't think I don't want this mother scratcher to last). I coat each piece of toast in polyurethene and then glue them into geomtric formations, please believe me, it is a sound polyhedral structure. This tower will be around for at least a few years. It is getting so big that it is taking over my living room - I sometimes hang out in it, there is a sitting area at the base. You can get all immersed, take some meds and think about the metaphoric potential of toast (no kidding, there is a lot of meaning there). Good luck coming up with an idea as good as this. I didn't want to tell you about it because I am so gung ho. I was afraid you would mistake it for arrogance. That's not what Mountain Man is about. Mountain Man wants to temper his enthusiasm with wisdom. He tries. Thanks again for your interest.

I LOVE TOAST

Can't wait to get back to making my tower.

..

I lied

Okay, so I'm not making vomit videos. Somebody already did that when I was in grad school and it made everybody retch in critique. I had a violent crush on the barfer so it was good for me to see it. It settled my stomach. It has been requested that I spill the beans and share my art projects but I can't.

BACK TO ART

Blessings from the art god. I am fat with ideas of toast and pancakes. I'm making videos of all my excretions. I have video rigged up to my toilet and am vomiting frequently. This is about coming together in unity and positivity! I love being part of the long history of object making. I work with my hands even if it is only a finger down my throat. I love you all and everything we share. BLESSINGS!

Heathens

This was the image on the card they sent out at Christmas. But I think they are heathens. This really them. I promise.

.

The Family Next Door To My House

They scare me. They are always naked. I know nudity is not a sin but they are ALWAYS naked. I hate it. I prefer to keep my shoes and socks on NO MATTER WHAT.

worries

In case you are wondering, I would fall on the building generator with an awesome view of Brooklyn.

raisins.

I've eaten too many and now I have to stay in the men's room. You would be surprised how many guys don't wash their hands. They touch the doornob wtih their sticky poop laden hands sharing their crusts and herps.

I'm considering jumping out the window because guys are so grody and I hate being part of it. Just thinking about what comes out of me makes me wish I were dead. How does it work?

These Are The Ones

I want to grow horns like these. Horns are fun.

.

Horns

I badly want to grow some.

IS IT ME OR IS IT SIMON?

...

simon 2

I look a lot like Simon LeBon as well. I love myself!!

Simon

Simon LeBon is not an enemy. I have loved him since 5th grade and it's not stopping now. Back then I liked guys more than I do now. I was also super flexible and could do things to myself that you can't even imagine. I was vigilant regarding my spot. (3 spots.)
I also had a friend then and we would have sleep overs until one night I spooned him and he claimed I touched his kibble and bits. And I said I didn't but I did and then he wasn't my friend anymore. I assume that happens to every boy with his best friend.

I like it raw and juicy

Gimme some.

....

Pork

I am eating some. It tastes spicy.

Congratulations

To myself, Fairy Butler and Art Star for getting quoted on anaba.blogspot.com. Thanks again Martin. You are neat.

Headache

I have a headache from too much drinky drinky last night. I had:

1 rum punch
2 white russians
4 corona lights
3 shots of tequila
1 vodka and tonic
1 banana daquiri (that was the most delicious one I have ever had)

Anyone know a good remedy for this type of existential ache? I am eating fudge as Beth suggested but it is not working. Screw you Beth.

Donkey Mask

I made a mask of Krakow's head and am going to wear it at work today. Krakow remains my greatest inspiration. Sorry Beth.


.

The Donkeyed Journey, Part One

I wrote this story last night. This is part one in an ongoing series. It is a snapshot into me for you. Note: this is fiction.

Yesterday I rode my pretty donkey down the street with no clothes on. We navigated around bags of garbage and recyclables. We turned the corner and did I mention I was naked? We entered the park grounds. To the left was a baseball diamond where several young boys and their apparent fathers played a feverish game. They took no notice of us. We frolicked amoungst the playground equipment, dashing through the jungle gym and prancing over see-saws to our hearts' content.

Today I am being driven insane by the mereness of reality. I am harried and over-stimulated as my employers bully me into accomplishing certain tasks I cannot stand. I think of others and can realize no moral satisfaction. I have disappointed myself and those closest to me and have temporarily lost sight of my original plan, which at one time included public derangement and antics of all kinds; however these ideas have now been lost in the "intersubjectivity of everydayness."

The only concept that remains within my grasp is alienation. Perhaps there is one more: ridicule.

END OF PART ONE.

Do you think this is weird?

Every morning I have to purchase an egg sandwich for my boss at the deli. He lets me keep the 50 cent change and he wants me to sit with him in the office while he eats it and then offers me the leftovers.

Me and Beth Last Year at the Renaissance Fair

Beth, I just found this picture on my computer from last year and it makes me weepy. I am maudlin. Please forgive me for my mean tauntings. But still you must heel when I tell you to.
.

DRUNK AT WORK AGAIN!!!!!!!

I am sloppy drunk. I spilled my hip flask of Jack Daniels all over some important papers. I am in the doghouse now with my neutered boss. I think I am headed for serious reprimands.

DUTCH AND HAIRLESS

Hairless just sent me this image through the email. I found out he is Dutch. He wants to be artistic. He wants to hold hands in the bathroom. I am going to grill him later about his Alien origins.
.

PUG

This is what I want to do to Pug. (Note: This is not a picture of me)

.

HAIRLESS

The worst offense. To be hairless and have a sinister laugh. Those conditions exist in the one sitting behind me.

WORK UPDATE

1. Pug just got a glass of water immediately after I got a glass of water. She is following me.

2. When I said hi to the man sitting directly across from my desk, he just raised his eyebrows.

3. My eye patch keeps slipping off.

SHOUT OUT TO PAN

Hey Pan, you seem like a nice person. I am thinking a lot about bunnies. Please visit http://www.saveabunny.com to help me save the bunnies. Here is one that really seems to need saving. Perhaps you and Ginger might like a pet?

.

More Cuddles

I feel cheap to ask for more cuddles but I have to. Please give me love. Not you Beth, you chowhound. I have taken Bobo's advice and made a tincture that has made me feel less swollen and more loving. Beware of the possessive and overwhelming love of Mountain Man. I am going to take a few swigs from my wine jug.

SNARLING

I am snarling right now. I am like a fiend. Larry Gagosian is offering me a treat! Thank you Larry. Why don't you allow me to webcam myself and have a live feed to your gallery????? What would be more interesting, hardly anything, I am sure.

I may have ringworm, but I believe my illness has a more dastardly source. I am getting to the bottom of it. Here is a picture of Beth's teeth, so you all understand how vile she is and why I have to punish her:

.

cuddles

Another thing I like.

I wish my hussies were more attentive to my tender side. The slut is trying to destroy me. I've asked for non sexual touching today. Why can't you call me snuggles?

Ponies

I need to think of something sweeter. I apologize for the hideous pictures.
.

OH. MY. GOD.

I AM NOT TRYING TO GROSS ANYONE OUT, BUT LISTEN UP!!!!

By the time I got to work this morning, I felt something funny all over my face and back. Like a tingling. I am coming apart. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and my lips, eyes and chin are all swollen and I have weird bumps on my back. Kind of like this, but all of them, all at once:
...

I know I am allergic to a lot of things. One of them is sawdust. I walked past a pile of it near the subway. I AM SO PISSED.

I AM PART SASQUATCH

You should really visit this great website: http://www.worldofthestrange.com/ to find out if you are part alien and if so, what race. It is good s---. I read the following description and it is too close for comfort, if you know what I mean. Beth, my main, hussy, may want to take heed. I am changing. But you are not allowed to leave me, EVER. Sasquatch are

"Large, hairy 'humanoids' who are usually troglodytial or cavern-dwellers, although they have been known to forage through mountainous or wooded areas on the surface in search for roots, berries, grasses and nuts which make up their diet. They are believed to possess a heightened 'sensing' ability which allows them to steer clear of 'human' influence."

I hate humans! That's SO me.

"Most Sasquatch apparently possess a human soul-matrix. They are usually described as being 6-9 ft. tall..."

I am 6 ft 8!!!!!!

"There have also been 'hairy hominoids' which possessed either 'robot-like' or 'amphibian' characteristics, suggesting bio-genetic manipulation to create 'biological machines' or 'cyborgs'."

I definitely have a robot side. Beth, back me up on this.

"Sasquatch apparently have the ability to spontaneously induce invisibility through producing an electromagnetic psychic shield around themselves, and are said to commute between our dimension and a "5th" dimensional realm."

I am so psyched to work on this last one. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED!!!! WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fairy Butler

Are you as lovely as this? I will think of you as I drool into my fast-growing fur today. You are special.

.

DEAD ANIMAL

My mouse died in the closet last night. One of my enemies set a trap. As stated earlier there is something wrong with me. i'm just afraid that someone else might notice. I'm afraid my co-workers are disgusted by me. The way I eat is slurpy. I am the most embarrasing person in the world.

SASQUATCH

More on this later.

...

Simon and Garfunkel

Right now I am really feeling like that song, I am a rock, I am an island. Do you know what I mean?

"I have no need for friendship, friendship causes pain, it's laughter and it's loving I disdain...Don't talk of love, I've heard the word before...I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. If I never loved, I never would have cried...(that's so me, MM) I have my books and my poetry to protect me. I am shielded in my armor. Hiding in my room, safe within my womb, I touch no one and no one touches me."

That's me!

But I am getting better. This blog is helping me to reach out.

UPDATE

I just answered the door and it was UPS. I opened the package and it was a pair of freeze-dried goat legs!!!!!!!! My transformation can now begin!!! Thank you to whomever sent this miracle via overnight delivery. I may live to see tomorrow. Now I just need to fix on the right unscrupulous but revolutionary surgeon to get them attached to my person once and for all. I can't wait to say good-bye to my natural legs.

MY PET

Before I go, I need my caretaker (Mom) to take note of the mouse. (This is like moving out of a rental without cleaning up the shower mess!!) BACK TO ME!! Please take note that there is a mouse in the dresser. Right now it is digging a nest. I called one of my sluts to have her take care of it and she yelled at me. "I'm at work, why are you calling me about this again!!" (This is another reason why I must depart. Nobody cares.) So take note and don't disrupt the mouse as you gather my clothes to take to Salvation Army. (They will reject them anyway, so don't bother.)

Rat Army

The Harvest is Beginning!!!!!!

.

My Lawn

I have a very green, well-watered lawn. I have spent many hours grooming it with my large mower, the kind that you can ride. I also have four sprinklers so not an inch of grass goes without a drink. I do not have a garden, for I am not interested in such things.

Now welts have shown up all over my face and thighs. Why?

It is for these reasons that I feel "why me?" I have a smear of reddish hair on my chin, getting longer, almost four inches now that has become a receptacle for cereal.

I am going to, later today, serrate my tongue with a letter opener. Then I may knock myself over the head with a brick. If that doesn't work then I will undo my zipper and pee on my feet, pointing my penis directly at my naked toes (I will not have shoes on). Then, for the finale, I will hurl myself down the stairs and simply wait for the end to come. I suspect it may take a while, I look forward to the lengthy suffering.

Who will water my lawn? I hardly care anymore. But I care just enough to call my mother and request that she keep it green and healthy in my long-awaited absence. Good-bye mother. I read your diary so I know you don't want me to live. Take care of my grass, mother.

Death Masks Are Real Neat

. ...

on the subject of girth

I know there is something wrong with me.

Republic of DESPERATION

I hope my readers don't think I am jesting about the end times. I site my own desperation and sadness as signs of the apocalypse. I am death on a pale horse. If this isn't the end of the world then it has to be the end of me.
I wonder how fat I would have to be to spontaneously combust. I'm on my way.

Essay #1

The topic of this essay is "Mountain Men: A Thing of the Past, Present or Future?" You should know that this is the topic of the essay and no other topic is the topic, no matter what may actually be discussed herein and hereinafter, respectively.

My college offered a class on this history of iconoclasm and its various utilitarian applications, a class I would have taken if only I had not contracted mono. I sincerely believe this class would have given me the perspective I so sorely lack on myself and my ideas. Most of all, vanity is what stops us from understanding the perceptions that others apply to yourself, don't you agree? (Please do not answer). It has been said that I have illustrated the concept of vanity in my painstaking unification of unrelated topics, like noczema and "back yards" (as in you have a nice back yard). But don't you find this argument outmoded in light of my decision to wear such loose-fitting slacks? (Again, please do not answer).

Back to the topic at hand. I believe now, after careful research (not to mention the public recitation of poetry that has been scrawled onto the backs of grocery store receipts) that Mountain Men are a thing of the present. They may have existed before, IN THE PAST, but they were only kidding. In addition a) I could not see them "way back when"; b) I had no knowledge of or interest in them; and c) due to my longstanding subscription to the following philosphies: "hear no evil, see no evil" and "if a tree falls in the forest, etc., etc." I do not think they really existed; and finally d) I believe they never existed through gut feelings, although I have received testimony to the contrary.

When I was younger than my brother, we drank cran-apple in the languid afternoon hours and held in our pee just for laughs. Now that I am older and my limbs are not so lithe, I take homeopathic remedies. Meanwhile, my younger brother sits on pillows in the basement, playing Boggle by himself. We are different, he and I, but we share the same beliefs. He is me.

One thing is certain: Mountain Men are not a simple idea. They do not necessarily exist in the mountains, as their name suggests. They have long hair, sometimes they have long beards, as we think they do in our mind's eye. THESE ARE UNIVERSAL IDEAS.

I hope you are not disheartened by my findings. I hope you are able to accept them with grace. They are believable findings, this you should know already.

Micronations

What do you think about micronations? Should I join this one or create one of my own? It sounds perfect for me, Mountain Man, a man who defies category and transcends both rules & societal norms. I think maybe Candy and Frank might feel this way too. I am so magicful today. Today I believe.

"Welcome to the Kingdom of Babkha, a micronation established as an Internet based model nation, simulating Persian culture, civil and political institutions, and society. Babkha is a legitimate, functioning, and non-territorial micronation that possesses immanent, virtual global sovereignty."

http://www.babkha.com

PS - My stomach is much better, thanks for all your prayers and love.

The Dutch

I have a theory about the Dutch that needs some work. I believe they are a deviant people. Does anyone have any personal experience that they can share on this subject? I would appreciate it. I hate to generalize, but with the Dutch, it's hard not to.

PS, Part of my theory involves the possibility that the Dutch are actually an alien race, like the Swedes. I know this is controversial but I think offending a few people is ok, especially if you have higher goals in mind, as I do.

THE GOD OF THE UNDERWORLD

This is a shoutout to those who love devilish things. I am considering joining a satanic group because of my interest in teepees and wild grasses. The rituals take place in the woods and are very tribal. I will enlist my adoring hussies to build caves from red dirts. Then we will cover the caves with grasses. This is the location for my surgical team of doctors. Damian, are you interested in joining me for some man bonding?

This One Goes Out to Fairy Butler

Fairy, I think this short film was made for you. Perhaps a ritual you might need to enact yourself? Cheers.

http://www.crossroads.wild.net.au/wwwoden.mov