Thursday, March 31, 2005

Stick Treatments

I am angry, this cannot be helped. The anger is lovely, like the stench of shrimp left out overnight. I am not in charge of these feelings, they come from Zogg, who is my true leader.

I am growing more fur than ever. I am wearing a shrunken vest. There is an interaction coming up in the next few minutes that I am not able to have without foaming at the mouth. There is not so much more to say. I want to go home and draw demons.

I will eat bananas and fried chicken tonight. Only the tan foods.

My Second Try

I had written earlier. Here I try again. F*** you blogger for ruining my excitement. So. I am the apple of my eye today. I have looked many people in the apple's of their eyes, unafraid, taming the beast of shyness and skulk. Hi everyone!!

I have brought damp oars to work, is the other important thing I must mention, as a metaphor for escape. What I want to say that I am headed towards another ecstatic epiphany that will either end in oneness or suicide.

Yay for Terri Schiavo is the last thing I want to mention! You did it girl!!!

Also, what about this new juggler from the woods character who came on yesterday. I like to picture him in my mind's eye. I wonder if his outfit was at all satiny. I wish he would make a stop by my office building. I could use some entertainment. I love balls flying through the air like they just don't care.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005


YES YES YES!!! Shall we have some? And not share it with others that we hate? Shall we serve it at Ned's Grand Saloon?


despicable thoughts

My cublings are as follows:

PUG: Bad energy person. eats small children.

Alien: From country close to Holland. Wears stamped ring with insignia to burn into flesh.

Cutes: Fake foreign accent. Daggers hidden in bun.

Red Cub: Changes into a baseball cap at 5 pm each night. Carries a gun.

Ear cleaner: Strange coughing tick. The tick is a demon locator.

Tuber boob: As mentioned earlier, the liar. She is an enemy to herself.

This is all I can say now.

A Dreaded Visit

A Dreaded Visit

I am supposed to make a dreaded visit to the rotund foul-breathed withholder of monies this afternoon to pick up some of my art ideas. I do not want to go. I am thinking of putting it off until tomorrow. This makes me a procrastinator. But really I do not want to behold him. He will surely insult me, and though I have asked politely for my money, just a portion of it, he has ignored me. I wish I had Beth to come with me. He is always nicer to me when she is around.

On a lighter note, I am drinking delicious juice water. I love it.

Also, I am laying off the sweets today. Easter made me focus on chocolate. I nearly saturated my colon with chocolate goodies. I am on the mend now.

I am working on a new curse for the evil types.

Hope everyone is happier due to the weather improvement. I am. Somewhat. I am listening for the bats, though. I can hear them squeaking and flapping their wings in the distance. Don't try to tell me they aren't.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

A New Friend

I made a new friend on the street today. His name is Colin.



I have been wanting to post comments on my favorite blogs:

fairybutler (thank you for posting that rave review of ned's saloon! very exciting indeed!!!)
postmodern debunker's loveless

Why is blogger foresaking my intensity? He is limiting my powers. This is a situation of graves proportionality. Meanwhile. I am having to express myself in a new post.

I am dreaming of a courtyard with a fountain of putti surrounded by lovely green topiary in the form of large mushrooms and other fungi. The sky is turning purple and peach from all the toxins. The next dream is of me underground in a rat maze. Oversized rats meet me at every turn and give me bits of advice. My hair gets all knotty. I meet a troll who combs my knots out gently, using spray leave-in conditioner that Beth always uses. I cram for my next exam. I win several prizes. I am the king of the rally. These are my truest dreams.

Also, I am chewing gum over and over. When the flavor leaves the piece, I remove the gum from my mouth and put it on an unsuspecting co-worker. Over and over, more gum. I have ten packs today. I am hoping to surreptitiously place gum on everyone I work with.

I can't wait to begin my drinking today. I have vowed to wait until at least 3 before I suckle the wineskin.

Thank you for your time, once again. I love thee.

love is a treasure

Beth is pushing me too far again. I've tied her up in the bathroom to ensure that she will no longer be a nuisance to me. Darn her and her tush. It is jumping out at me. I am running from it every day all day long. It is a torment. I am feeling that art is love. Her tush is so fiery agressive. What can I do but tie and bind and bite???? It is time to burn her with the candlewax. Not in a sexy way.


Monday, March 28, 2005

Short or "Cropped" Pants

I spent all morning hemming my pants. I have now "cropped" most of them. I don't know why, I just decided too. I want to show off my hairy calves, is part of it.

Who can relate this to commerce and the artworld? The capriciousness of the art market? The excitement of the creative act? I am looking to get a really heady discussion going. This was the only way I could think of to introduce it.

I can start off with, I am not angry today!! I have faith in magic once again. This is a personal blog so I feel I can mention these things. There is a dealer I know of who has bushy eyebrows. Perhaps this can be a tangent in the debate. Dealers get a bad rap. Maybe it's only because puny-feeling artists empower them. We project filth into the silence. I don't know. I am just guessing.

Let's start the debate right now!!!!! Good luck getting feisty!!! Hey artists!! Get energized!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 27, 2005


I am cooking for the first time in my life in honor of Bejesus. I am making vodka tartlets and paste pie. And a unicorn stuffed with pinwheels and carob.


I was trying to weigh hate vs. love earlier. I realized that when in doubt, choose laziness.

There is a small urchin I know who I am furious with. He sat, without asking, on the largest mushroom in my mushroom garden. It truly disgusts me. I may never call him again. My grasses are growing brown.

More content later or tomorrow, I promise. I am not a fool.

Saturday, March 26, 2005


Hello chums. It's Easter time. Time to chew on little animals! Time to use their pelts as head coverings in the cold. Little lambies, little bun buns, little chickies!!! Come to me, my animal friends. It is time to get maimed.

Hey just kidding. I love Easter, for its Pagan rituals. I bought Beth a white soft soft soft furry little baby lamb. He is perfect and I will tell you why. He has sticky brown stuff on his one leg. Beth deserves him because she has been extra good lately, but also because there is something wrong with her. And so too is there something wrong with the lamb. I am always seeking out symbolism, that's my Mountain Man way.

OK, well that's all for now. Thanks for being my chums.

I have a plan to go roller skating tomorrow. I will have to focus very intensely to find my balance.


Hey everyone!! Come join me at my new saloon. It's called NED'S!!!! Do you like the name? If you bring your hat, your vest, your badge and a nice chunky belt or holster, you can have unlimited free rounds of sasparilla. We can all commune together in different contortions and recount the traumatic discourse of earlier times. We can have mind control festivities and poke each other with pens and forks. All hussies must surrender to being tied up, is part of the bargain at NED'S. Please come to my new saloon.

The theme of the saloon is old plus new. It is about the wild frontier and the new era that is approaching. Robots may be there on special nights. We will serve only the freshest chicken parts and make paw-shaped morsels out of ham in honor of our dear friend and spokesmodel, Ham Paw. We may have small chewy kittens there as well. We will curse the enemies and send them to the hinterlands. There will be willing and unscrupulous plastic surgeons everywhere to advise you about animal part transplants. Nothing is off limits at NED'S!!!!

We will have noxcema available in jars on every table for the soothing application on backyards. We all have to sit too much for our jobs so why not have a place to go where we can heal? Both inside and out.

Bring a friend! Welcome to my new saloon!!!!

Mother F***er

This s*** stinks. I went out tonight and these two skanky shorter girls with phony crapeater attitudes gave me the c*nt eye. You know what that is, right? Eye rolling, used to be friendly but now am skeptical for no reason, c*** eye. HATE is being reaped in my candy heart. I am ready to kill with venomous viper dagger style teeth. I never did anything to you. So why the heinous beefy attitude. Because you are sad and depressed and left out. And me, though I am sad and depressed and left out, well at least I am funny sometimes.

I am so ready to re-emerge with salty sweet peaceful vengeance on the earth. Come to me Sandworms. This time I am unafraid.

Friday, March 25, 2005


This is a disaster. Mountain Man's head is lying on the floor near the window. His left leg is in a toilet in the ladies' room. His right leg is in someone's lap. (I think her name is Mindy) His hands are each in a different candy bowl. His arms are smearing blood on a pile of folders on his boss's desk and his torso is missing. This is scary.


The gerbils are in proper alignment. They are frozen in time. I zapped them with a tranquilizer gun. I am channeling magic and interspersing each gerbil with a hershey's kiss. I feel powerful but I am making mistakes on the job again. I cannot be in both the magic realm and the real world at the same time. Help.


It is a slow morning where getting back into bed would be the most desired thing. However, in lieu of that, I will drink too much coffee and leave my ramshackle apartment in search of juice and nuts to get me through the day.

OK. So I had these dreams about a house that was my house in the woods and it was infested with rats. I could hear them scrambling around. The house was mine, and I really wished that it was my house in real life. But the rats made it uninhabitable. I believe it's an allegory for being Mountain Man. Sometimes it seems nice. Other times it is unbearable.

Thanks for your time.

Very Sincerely Yours,


Thursday, March 24, 2005


Hi world! I am so pleasant to the universe. I am the triumph of tomorrow! I have a tingle in my bingo. The friendliness of the flowers have opened up to me!

Something Nicer

Here are some kitties to look at if you are too harshed out by the previous posts. I am going to get some work done now. Yes I am.



Today I am going to wear the fangs to work. I will kick someone blameless and then say it wasn't me. I will perpetrate crimes against the innocent and feel nothing but cold ice in my veins. Fangs equal darkness and revenge upon the earth. I am coming at you with snark and devilishness. This the new Mountain Man.


I am very weirded out

First of all there was someone I was supposed to meet tonight and he didn't show up. This was a disappointment. Something I have not quite figured out yet. Why did you not show up nameless person? I will have to punish you, as you must already suspect. Bad. Maybe I will forgive you if you have a good enough excuse. Do not expect to be coddled. I would rather smash.

Secondly, por favore, I heard a story about a man who had a bladder problem who went to the hospital and had a catheter inserted in his stick. I guess there was a balloon of some kind in his bladder too. He went nuts and pulled out the tube and messy red stuff spurted everywhere. He accidentally removed his stick. And they had to attach it to his arm for a while as they readied the rest of him for its re-attachment. He just hung out for a few days with his stick on his arm. That is heavy.

Lastly, I have realized how much I love the furry kittens. LOVE.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005


Right now I'm listening to the most annoying person in the world (who sits next to me) talk about someone else being the most annoying person in the world. I wish I took my mace to work. I'm having a bad thought.

My Father

This is so you can see the resemblance is stronger on my father's side, despite my being adopted. Thank you.



I just had a thought that is higher than all other thoughts and that is truly inspiring. I mentioned earlier my belief in ice skating but I left out the most inspiring moment in the history of ice. This moment occured when I was a mountain boy. I fell into an ice lake. I was dying when I saw an enormous ice creature grabbing me by the testicles. It really hurt, but it was at that moment that I became a man. I think I grew hair and muscles in that moment. I was never a boy again.

Ice Skating

The wondrous magic of ice skating is what I am now considering. Swirls and nice glittery outfits. Big happy smiles. I need to say more, I know, but first I have to get rid of a portion of myself.

Vivien Starkweather

You are amazing. This one is just for you. Hey, you need to have your own blog. Please write more!!! You are a complex woman, please reveal more about yourself and your ways of reality and ritual. It is imperative. Thank you.



Tuesday, March 22, 2005

My Mother

This is a picture of her. She wants me to come visit her in the mountains but I am not ready to see her. She is very mean sometimes, although I know she loves me. She poisons my stew and makes me eat spiders. I hate you mother!!!!


Krixfort gave me a good idea

Spywork with small compact mirrors!! Who knows what I will learn! Maybe I will see through to another dimension. I may find a portal somewhere. Maybe I will spy people picking their pimples in other cubes. Maybe I will spy unwanted hair on legs. I will keep a diary of what I find. I will spy every which way. I will buy many many small mirrors.

Thanks for this exciting new idea!!!

Morning Friendly Earthworms!!!

You are the friendliest earthworms I have ever met. I like that you come in pastel colors instead of just mangy brown. Don't get me wrong though, brown is a true-to-life good stuff color. So. I am trying to put into action some exciting plans. I will update you on these as they come to pass. In the meantime, I will tell you about my body:

1. My organs feel sensitive.
2. My chest hairs are multiplying.
3. My back is a little hunchy. I would like to work on this.
4. My knees are less bony than I wish them to be, but I am not willing to have surgery on them. Any surgery will be oriented to getting those delightful goat legs attached!! (Thanks for reminding me about this FB)
5. My face is puffy and sick-looking but I am trying not to let it get to me. I look wan.

Thanks for your support and your lack of morals!!!

Monday, March 21, 2005

The Shadowy Figure Whom I Hate

OK, I don't know what to do. There is someone with foul breath and a rotund figure who torments me. He owes me a lot of money. He pretends to help me. I suppose he has helped me but mostly he has just enraged me. He has some of my magic works in his possession. I want to get them back. I also want my money, but somehow, and I am not sure how, he makes it difficult for me to accomplish these tasks. He is a manipulative man. Some people find him charming and persuasive but I find him rotten.

I want to gain my own persuasive powers. Instead I am wilty like a droopy dandelion. I shrink. I smile. I say yes when I mean no. You see what I mean?

Guinea Pigs are Bad News



Dampness and death. I wish my head was cakey so I could insert birthday candles in the top and sing quietly to myself. I am thinking of guinea pigs. They are harbingers of evil.


I spent my day sliding all around on a magic red slider. I am very very tired. But excited about the promise of the coming days. The coming days promise food, liquor, dementia, and nail polish remover sniffing. They promise widening pores. Crooked smiles at strangers. Menace. Insolence.

Talk to you later,


Friday, March 18, 2005


I saw some art. Here's what I thought: (note: not all comments will be art-related)

1. Group show at Bellwether - hey Alison Schulnik!! Great job. She made a kick ass painting of tall ships in a battle. Foamy waves. Crusty yellow explosions. Nice.

2. Jules DeBalincourt - Who knew??? I loved this show. I was prepared to merely like it, but I thought it was very much beyond delightful. Many jaunty men in suits around large tables. Natural disasters. Nude people in hotels. I like.

3. I ate some crust on a creme brulee and immediately had to have an explosive bathroom experience. That rotted. I think I am now out of the woods, however.

4. I met a friend named Stan. I will speak more of him later. He is a bit swollen, a little pink to begin with. I need to meditate on him more before I reveal his true nature.


I am going to see some art today. I will try to have some real-time opinions that I can share with you. What fun!!! ART IN CHELSEA!!!! I am starting with the most positive attitude. I may need to have a fairly liquid toxic lunch in order to get through it (if you receive my meaning).

I promise not to berate anyone. I will be lovely and insightful.

Some complaints

I scratched myself across the face and I have to go to Beth's grandma's house for Easter. This means I can't have fun. Also I look like I was attacked by a lion.

Thursday, March 17, 2005


THIS is very bad news in an office pf cibicles.

There was trouble this morning. The woman with the tuber breasts yelled at me last night VERY RUDELY and she got in trouble. She bragged about it this morning and someone TATTLED on her. NOT ME! The boss had a meeting with her and now she is very quiet. This is a victory.

This is an A-plus day. Minus the gas, makes it only a B and the trouble I got in last night takes it down to a C. So the A-plus is nullified.

More About My Childhood

One putrid Tuesday, two young children who lived next door, Bullion and Egg Cream Pulpit, 5 and 7 respectively, began throwing small, dense, greenish spheres at us as we thrashed out our new song, "Spools of Thread." What were these strange painful spheres, we wondered. They turned out to be mutant limes growing on the thorny stunted lime tree on the far side of the Pulpit's house. Ouch!

In response, the following morning, we tried to light their house on fire with damp matches, to no avail.

I want to tell you that I am too uplifted to feel depressed. That is my new way of living for now. I have reached a point of self-actualization combined with acute awareness of reality. It is somewhat sunny. The sun is streaming in the grubby, pee-stained windows of the men's room in a peculiar way.

Back to Being Me

I decided in the night that I couldn't go ahead with me plans. Instead, I chose to remember my lonely and sad childhood. It was funny because I felt that my parents loved their pets more than me, although I was their flesh and blood, their birth son, born of trauma and broken birth canals. My parents had a workshop in the basement where they fabricated details and created masterful faux-finishes. They had two children: myself (they called me Peanut) and my younger brother (they called him Corn Nut). They had four cats and an indoor gymnasium. The cats each had their own room, while Corn Nut and I lived in the crawl space above the camper van which sat unused in the free-standing garage behind the house.

Our family name was Irkwell. As Corn Nut and I grew into teenagers we became very punk and started a band called "Cribdeath." We practiced in the garage every Tuesday afternoon with sticks on barrels, a broken electric guitar and an amp we found in a trash heap down the street. What an interesting trash heap to be sure.

An Idea

I am changing my name to Peter Jones. I will cut my hair and eat more vegetables. That will be the new me!!! More responsible. Friendlier. Dependable. Less violent. Less furtive and feral. WISH ME LUCK!!!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


I am thinking of the hairy beings. I love you hairy beings!!! Thanks for growing so much of it. I feel like you did it just for me.

you and me.

I spent some time with the paper shredder. It's best with a long paper roll so you can continuously feed it. The gum keeps coming. So far, 5 pieces in the last hour. Lack of eye contact unnoticed. Well done.


They are crawling out my nose. I am consumed by little critters, it is the weirdest feeling. I almost like it. I need to rest permanently. However, I got a new idea for a performance piece: I release fruitflies and bumble bees in public bathrooms. Maybe red ants too. I wear fangs, a tuxedo and a cape. Maybe white face make-up. I unleash plague-like profusions of yucky buggies into people's bathroom experiences. They get stuck in the worst of all private areas. People get angry and scared. I run away hollering. This is my new idea. Here's a toast to it happening. CHEERS!!! (I am drinking some Jack Daniels now...yummers).


It is time to howl. I am a sick man again, I have a sore throat and I am feeling under the weather. Thank you for all your advice on what to make for Beth. She ate very well, I'll just leave it at that. Today I am wearing a crown to work. People need to learn to treat me with respect.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I May Need Some of This


Sore Bum

Why? I am chained to reality.


I am going to cook a meal for beth tonight. What should I make? Please I cry out into the wilderness.

A message to me.

I met a strange person on my lunch break. He asked me a series of questions.
Here they are:

1. Are you eccentric and adventurous?
2. Are you single?
3. Is your wife a garbage collector?
4. Where would you like to live the most in the entire world?

This has cheered me up.

another booboo

I blamed it on Sally. She is going to the pokey. Shhhhh. Don't tell on me.

I made a booboo

There are three people bloody in a pile in the men's room, in the crip stall. I don't know what to do. I managed to insert the highlighters and pencils, but I couldn't sew them back up on account of I forgot my sewing kit. I just didn't think it through properly. I may go to jail. Do they have DSL in prison?


MOUNTAIN MAN!!!! I want you to listen carefully. Since Blogger is misbehaving I have had to magically break into your blog and send you this sincere and true message. Your toast tower is not 90's!!! It is painfully unique, like you. If you were good at your job, you would never be the kind of person who would sway this way and that, bind hussies, drink from a wineskin and pray to Zogg!!! YOU ARE TOO SPECIAL FOR THIS WORLD!!!! I am communing now with powerful art critics who are telling me that you are bound for greatness. Death would not be a good idea for you at this time. Think about the wild grasses. Think about french fries. Maybe you should get some.

I will be watching over you. Today is a difficult day, but I beseech you not to forget about your pan and scissors idea. IT WAS A VIOLENT AND GOOD IDEA. AS WAS THE GUM CHEWING. CHEW MORE GUM!!!! ATTA BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


is to get hit by a car. I don't wish this on anyone, but my circumstances are dire. What about my art, you ask. Forget it. I am obscure and unloved. My future is dim. Toast towers are sooo '90s.


I can't keep this up. I have to get some air. I am bad at pretending and people are telling me to smile. I cannot.



First of All

There are cat eyes that I have just noticed, staring at me from all around my cube. WTF?? I can count 20 pairs of glassy steamy eyes. They want to pounce. Second of all, it is time to perform surgery. I have a pan in one hand to knock out the patient. I have my dull scissors in the other to cut into the patient. I have towels to stop the bleeding. I won't need wax this time because the patient will be surefire unconscious. I have a tape recorder to catch all the sounds on tape. (Later I will edit the yelps and bonks together to make a sound piece) I will drag each patient into the men's room and perform the surgeries in the handicapped stall. I am bringing office supplies with me in a small brown bag too. I am going to implant staples and pencils into people's organs. When they wake up they for sure won't know what's what.

Hurry Up!

The tummy is rumbling. It is time to escape into the hinterlands where wild green grasses grow. There are worms slithering all over my sweaty, pale, indented forehead. I am a boon of oafish proportions, as most of you already know. I play knick knack on thumbs of strangers. I am gummy and selfish. The sweet pastel-colored candies are calling me.

Today I thought I would dress like a woman. People are eyeing my strangely. I have lipstick on and a dress with cowboy boots. A hairband. I combed and styled my hair as carefully as I could stand to. I am speaking with my hands more today, caressing files with tenderness, as I am sure a true woman would.


is very soothing. That is my other defense. I chew until my stomach hurts. There is something bad in it. The other thing is scalp picking and dandruff examinations.

The best day of my life

Everyday is the best day of my life. I say that to myself and it is self soothing. It is the salve for my aching heart and helps me do my office duties without sniffling and crying in the bathroom. Yes to me!

Monday, March 14, 2005


Thanks Eye of the Tiger!!!! I know it was you who put some oomph in my day. What is better than getting a blow job under your desk from a hot co-worker. She is my kind of hussy. The kind who likes danger. I am feeling oceans of time better now after that rich oral experience. THANK YOU TAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU TIGER EYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Eye of the Tiger

Today I beseech the eye of the tiger for help. Please help me cope!!!!



The crimes that were perpetrated against Mountain Man include (but are not limited to) the following:

1. There was supposed to be a party for a show MM was in on Friday night. Just as MM arrived, the dealer left. There was no one at the gallery but MM, Beth and Gertrude. Oh yes, there was one more. He will be mentioned in the second item on this list.

2. Bob came to the faux-party/joke on MM. Bob was glum. He tried to spread glumness to MM by telling him that he was "doing well for his station." Fooey on you Bob.

3. On Saturday morning MM was to be at his gallery to show some drawings to potential buyers. This sadly did not occur. MM showed up with a large unwieldy portfolio wearing his finest green fur suit. When he arrived at his appointed time he stood alone in the hallway, locked out of the gallery. He fearfully waited. The dealer arrived and asked him to help set up the brunch. For 3 hours MM waited to show off is wares, as he was told he would be encouraged to do. This did not happen. MM cracked jokes with a nice leopard-headed henchman instead. He left somewhat dejected.

4. Mountain Man had a giant zit on his cheek all weekend.

5. Mountain Man had a lot of tummy aches.

6. Mountain Man cried early Sunday afternoon. He tried to buck up. Now here he is on Monday a numb and lifeless man.


My excellent NW Quadrant post won't allow comments. I am sad about this. I was envisioning a new territory to dwell in permanently.

The Northwest Quadrant

In the northwest quadrant it rains most of the year. The ground is sloping and acid green. There are trees there that bear grey felt fruits. This is where the largest people dwell - usually over seven feet tall, they amble with a leftward lean. They believe in their leader who hypnotizes them with his eyes - he wears a purple track suit. People in this quadrant love the smell and taste of lemons. That's how it is. I want to move there. I believe I could bring my light saber, my donkey and my toast tower. Beth would have to stay behind because I do not believe they allow hussies. If I could procure all the meds I wanted, I believe I could live without her. It is also a robot-free zone. People communicate through telepathy. Their spittle is rainbow-colored and contains secret messages. You may think I am going crazy but I think I am not.

My favorite song

is a secret. This is a whole new territory for me. That is, secrets. As you know, I am a man with a raincoat and all my thoughts are artistic and very open. But I've been reading some books and they say that I should be more circumspect. So there you go. I think I may get more respect and authority if I stare people down and share less about my anus. THIS IS HARD!

dear god,

This is the best day of my life!!! i know there is something wrong with me. I can't say right now. It's gross. please... don't tell anyone about my festering secret. I love every new day!

Eyes with Pools of Blood in Them

That describes my eyes. Bloody tears streaming down the face.

I gave my donkey tranquilizers last night and he fell asleep as we were communing. It was gloomy.

I am glad that neither my donkey nor Beth is a smoker. My hands are growing gnarled today. I am not sure I will be able to type, but I will try.

Hey I should cheer up, right???? Because only the talentless are so gloomy. I must prove my worth to those who doubt me.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Mountain Man Photo Essay

Here is what I aspire to. This is my vision of reality. I am so tired from talking. My throat is sore. I want to retreat.



This is how I feel sometimes. I like to think about the original HULK. Not that abortion from a few years ago but the old tv series HULK. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!


Disgusting myself

I wish that I could be better. I am artless. I'm bad at conversation and I can't stop talking about myself. I am certain that I have disgusted everyone around me. If only I were a dog.


Attention, attention!!! Mountain Man was busy yesterday at the armory. He went with Beth and their friend Gertrude. He was getting bored by the second pier. He was starting to drool. So he made up a game called C*NT ALERT where he would yell C*NT ALERT whenever he saw a C*NT. People would look askance but it gave Mountain Man reason to chuckle every time. He found 14 C*NTS.

Sadly, there was not much in the way of nice art to view. Lots of small drawings and mediocre crap. Mountain Man and his small but fierce posse started with a way positive and tolerant attitude. But there was not much to reward him. He saw some Jockum Nordstrum drawings that made him happy. And a few owls here and there to remind him of magic.

Friday, March 11, 2005


Here's the scoop.

I've got to avoid a bunch of people this weekend. These are an unfortunate lot. They crossed me and I'm sorry for them. Their identities are top secret because I have a new attitude which is just fakery, but whatever.


I found a stash of sweetarts and smarties to quell my sugar achings. Now I feel more positive again. However, this has started a dangerous addiction. I may have to go to the snack machine for more sweet goodies.


There is a large cookie on a counter near my cubicle. I want desperately to eat it but a) I am allergice to wheat (it gives me the hershey squirts) and b) more importantly, I will be seen as a PIG PIG if I take it. It is SUCH a large cookie. It has green and white frosting and says "YAY" on it. I want it badly. I don't want my co-workers to think I am a PIG PIG. They are already suspicious of my drinking behavior. What should I do?

Dear Tang

I was wrong. I said you were repulsive but now after hearing your intense life story I think you are special as can be. Can be is quite special so hats off to you. I am wishing you luck in finding a new job. I hope you can find one that will be satisfying to you. In the meantime, I am willing to wax and bind you, but I am not ready to replace Beth at this time, if that is what you are wanting. I cannot, however, speak for the future. The future is a time when things may change and who knows, maybe Mountain Man and Tang can find true communion. I think you are GRAND!!!! Cheers to you. Tang is a good name. One that conjures images of spacemen which are near and dear to my heart. Thanks for sharing. I hope for your sake that you have a nice ass.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

What is a boundary?

Do I have boundary problems?

Hot Dogs

Even though they are bad for you, some might say morally wrong, they are still good for you as in they make you feel better than anything else. You can really be yourself when you eat a hot dog. Even if you never ate one again for the rest of your life you would still always love hot dogs more than any other food.

. . . .


I am puncturing my forehead with staples. I am attempting to conjure the beast. Also, I am thinking of hot dogs. Did you know that you are more likely to die from eating a hot dog than taking an airplane?

I am converting to Judaism on Monday. I will have a Bar Mitzvah next year and invite all of you. All 3 of you.

Drunk Again

Today I brought a bottle of champagne with me to work. I am burping and gurgling. It is wonderful but I fear I am getting dehydrated. I am working on a series of drawings in secret too. Under pads of paper and folders, I am drawing bloody heads and scarred torsos. I feel heated. I may take my pants off again.

Beth is Bad But Lovely

Last night after I punched her I realized some things. Beth is too practical but she likes to play games so that's good. I think I will keep her. She is a bitchen looking lady too. She puts up with my piles. She said she will wear a leash at all functions we attend this weekend so that's exciting. We played Scrabble and I beat her 482 to 296. It was my highest score ever and she seemed truly happy for me. I love her.

I had to punch her

She tried it on tonight and I punched her in the mouth. Now her mouth is all puffy. She looks like Janice from the Muppets. It's funny. Screw her, right?

Beth's Dress

This is it. She is such a dim woman.


Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Pants Off

I took them off at my desk. I don't have any underwear on. It feels good though, I hope I don't get caught. I am a little chilly, but I feel free.

Beth's Dress For The Scope Opening

Her dress has the Budweiser beer logo on it. I do not know what she was thinking. I can't wait to belt her one. Maybe I will bite her cheeks as well as giving her a black eye. She will be a broken woman by the time Friday comes around. She will stand out in the crowd, it will be her own fault.

Regarding Piles

Interestingly, I found this picture on the internet of piles which are similar looking to my piles. Mine are greener though.


Teen Wolf

This is still my favorite film. I am hoping one day to take hair-growth pills so I can look like this. I have started to try to grow a beard but it is very patchy. I do have some hair on my forehead also.



I am considering doing away with myself again. This happens every Feb and March around once a day. I have my plans but I haven't stuck to them yet. This comes down to the problem of follow-through. It is a systemic disorder that changes locations each day. Sometimes the toast tower is left unfinished and sometimes dying is too much effort. For the sake of my mother and Beth I hope that this laziness persists.


I am stuffed into a beige box for anther 8 hours. I'm a young man. Shouldn't my desperation start later in life? Already my face is lined in the form of a scowl. It's not sexy. It scares girls.


This weekend. Many art fairs. The Armory. Greater NY. Mountain Man is mentally preparing himself. He has already started his self-improvement exercises. Mountain Man will breathe deeply and be curious to see other people's work. He will be interested and not as bitter as he could be. He may still bring scissors to the openings. He may still inappropriately install his work in front of other people's. He may bring hunks of wax for people to bite into as they endure the excruciating pain inflicted on them by a dull scissors bashing. He may even bring towels to clean up the mess. But still he will be a happy tall shaggy man. Good luck to all of you. Does anyone have any special plans that they would like to reveal?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


Today I am not feeling so fresh. I was insulted earlier today by someone who said I should go out more. That I hide too much. This made Mountain Man sad. He is shy sometimes and wants to be alone. He is very self-protective. Sometimes he can't think of things to say. But trust me, his wit is nimble. Today I will look in the mirror and try to say uplifting things. I will mouth them to myself all day. YOU ARE OK KID!!! Is what I will start with.

There's Nothing

I love more than pretty ladies. Come to me, my hussies.



The thing that is so great about Mountain Man is that he is so expressive. He is okay with expressing his feelings. When he feels sad, he says so. When he is mad, he tells you. When he wants his neighbors to die, he tries to kill them. Who amongst you does not want to emulate this purity? GOOD LUCK TO ME!!! I want to stay this pure, this honest. I am a believable concept. I love to be alive. I love to drool.

Monday, March 07, 2005

tim hawkinson

I saw the tim hawkinson show at the Whitney and it was so dissapointing. i have a book of his and I always admired his clever ingenuity. In person it reads as gimmicky and quirky. (like the kid who wears two different colored socks in art school) "he's so wacky!"
this is the type of work your mom and kids like. It's so pedestrian and visually thin. That said, I do love that uber organ and the big Pentacost. Does anyone agree with me? Am I alone in this alienation?

Hey Guess What!!!!

Today will be a good day, I am counting on it. I am going to make some ART today!!!!!!!!!!! I'll tell you about it later. I love all of you. It is surely an elfin magic day.

Sunday, March 06, 2005


Let's go back to the magic. The magic rules are: (maybe you should write these down)

1.Eat a lot of candies.
2. It is hard to be alone with yourself when you wish you were sweeter. Instead, pretend to be sweeter. It's ok to fake smiles.
3. Tell yourself that you can lick things out in public. Anything you want is available to you to lick.
4. Make sure to run around a lot. An increased heart rate leads to more fun and happiness. It's ok to drool.
5. Lie upside down on benches and look around. Everything will look weird but better than usual.
6. Breathe deeply and remind yourself to look shifty. Dart your eyes around.
7. Be patient.
8. Act unwisely and forget your responsibilities as much as possible.
9. Do drugs if you really need to (only in emergencies - this is up to you).
10. Don't overburden your object of desire with too much love. You will only end up hating it and yourself.
11. Always listen to Mountain Man.

This is what I am turning into

This is the masculine and feminine side of the ugly me. I am not a good man.


Die Die Die

Aqua pools of sulphuric acid with pockets of steam rising from them. It's a beautiful sight. But meanwhile I am puckery and grey. I sit in my bedroom and hear the worst television set noise and giggling from people who I am supposed to love who are sitting in the living room.

I am bitter again. It was getting better at one point. I felt somewhat at peace for a day or so. I read this book that told me to calm down. Not to be so clingy. I felt I understood it for a few hours and I began to really calm down. I began to cling less. I had my own private thoughts and felt my bad pain like fluffy pudding in my stomach instead of like hot angry daggers behind my eyes. It seemed like the right thing to do to be nice. I wanted to smile and uncrease my wizened face. But now I am scrunched up again. Hateful again.

I want to be a better Mountain Man. I really do. But inside I am seething with hatred. I WANT THINGS TO SIZZLE. I am an ugly man.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Do you want to hear something terrible?

They are going to buy a cat to eat the mice. It reminds me of the time they purchased crickets to eat the cockroaches. The cat will be eaten. Just like the crickets. I can't tell you how many cricket corpses I had to pick up. It turns out they don't live that long. freaky.

Thursday, March 03, 2005


My space travel ended badly last night. Unfortunately Lance Bass couldn't join me due to complication with plastic surgery. In outer space I was taken into a calming chamber. I cried for my pet mice, but guess what! There are more! MANY MORE! There is hysteria in my house. My caretakers are very upset but I feel festive. I know that this is a message to me. Each mouse is whispering their blessings.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


I have died inside from sitting very still in a beige cubicle. i have come home to more death. THE DEATH OF MY MOUSE!
He is curled up still behind the garbage pail in the kitchen. The trap is turned over and his little cheese nugget is missing.
I'm crying!!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Diseased Brain

I might be going insane. I might be dying.

Shout Out To Mike Smith

MIke Smith is a great artist, I just thought I would mention it. You should go see his show at Christine Burgin Gallery. I am not kidding. He is so funny and he likes to mess things up. Mountain Man likes to mess things up but Mike is more organized about it. And thorough. That's all. In case you were wondering if I was ever going to talk about art again.

The most horrible thing

yesterday my caretaker insisted that I clean out my closet. (She is the one killing my pet mice) Something terrible was hiding in the closet.


They were so tiny. The size of my tiniest fingernail. They were reddish colored. They were laying in torn up Christmas wrapping paper face up. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. She dumped the tiny bodies in the trash. LIKE TRASH!

My Baby

I haven't told you yet about my infant son. He was hungry. I gave him a treat.