Tuesday, February 22, 2005

OH. MY. GOD.

I AM NOT TRYING TO GROSS ANYONE OUT, BUT LISTEN UP!!!!

By the time I got to work this morning, I felt something funny all over my face and back. Like a tingling. I am coming apart. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and my lips, eyes and chin are all swollen and I have weird bumps on my back. Kind of like this, but all of them, all at once:
...

I know I am allergic to a lot of things. One of them is sawdust. I walked past a pile of it near the subway. I AM SO PISSED.

20 comments:

bob said...

A Mountain Man allergic to sawdust
not good for a mountain man
you will end up out of your elements
virtually disappearing
Try hemlock and sage, rolling boil for 40 minutes then add lemon to taste
makes ya woodsy

mountain man said...

Thanks so much Bob. I am totally freaked out. But I love homeopathics.

bob said...

i am not a fag
and I assure you I am quite sane

mountain man said...

oh bob, you are so dimly lit. i feel for you. SMARTEN UP!!!!! I HATE HOMOPHOBES.

bob said...

F-U MM
hope they turn to boils.

bobo said...

I think bob means well, but you're letting yourself in for a world of hurt if you combine hemlock sage and lemon.

I had read about this remedy in the back pages of Hustler, and I tried it once for my whooping cough. I will not relate to you in detail the resulting horror that was visited upon my rectal vault; suffice to say that I could not leave the home undiapered for a fortnight.

Had I been outside and bent over when any of the dozens-daily occurrences of duodenal peristalsis taken place, the effluent (had it been solid, and not foamy) would have reached escape velocity and continued to orbit the Earth to this very day. (At least until it had affixed itself in a gloppy, pea-green haze to a neighboring satellite and proceeded to rust it.)

I recommend a tincture of avocado rind and swan feces simmered in Boone's Farm Wine for 184 minutes, not a second longer and not a second less. Apply via poultice thrice hourly until your eyelids molt and are replaced with scales. The scales will taste like Fritos.

You may eat them and share them with your friends.

Holistically,

Bobo

mountain man said...

Bobo, you are rocking my world. Are we related?

lupus said...

i like the olympus mons photo the best

mountain man said...

but lupus, where is your blog??? when i click i get nothing. do you really have lupus?

bob said...

bobo
I know your remedy well and will believe you implicitly henceforth.
However, and in regards to the brew I suggested earlier, a common mistake among the newly initiated holistic practitioners is the source material for the remedies they employ. Hustler magazine, while providing a much needed outlet for sexual expression, political transgression and putrid humor, is not the most reliable source for holistic remedies. Recipes for calming salves do not make good bedfellows with "What crawled up your ass and died?" jokes. Keep yer yank outta the stank.
You must have been using the Hemlock bark when in fact it is the tender upper boughs and budlings that must be boiled with sage root.
for more on trees try
http://www.urbanext.uiuc.edu/trees2/index2.html

fairy butler said...

Bobo,

Please, I bow down to your knowledge of homeopathic remedies. I appreciate your blending of the old ways and the modern. I never thought about eating those eye scales before! and boone's farm? What innovation!

Please continue to keep us informed. Your knowledge is supremely impressive.

fairy butler said...

Bob,

you need to settle down. That recipe is NOT from Hustler. Bobo is a genius. You're just jealous.

Anonymous said...

I am a doctor. Your skin ailment is ringworm. It is not an alergic reaction to hay. Is is transimitable. Get some lotion.

Sprinkles said...

I am the true doctor here. What MM has is most certainly an allergic reaction, but it is more likely a reaction to the robots. I am positive of this.

Anonymous said...

Ringworm is sexually transmitted by donkeys. Human on human is the only way to go these days. Too many diseases otherwise. consider the chicken ailment. That was caused by human and chicken love. Another example of moral failure. I am a certified doctor so I know this stuff.

mountain man said...

anonymous, how is human on chicken love a moral failure? i so strongly disagree. you are a bigot.

steve said...

I love my ferret

Doktor Wyrd said...

I love all animals. I am similar to Dr. Doolittle in this respect. But I am a more Magickal Doktor. Anybody want to go play in a cave?

steve said...

i love caves
spelunking is awesome

Necklace of Fire said...

I am all cavern, Steve. Arm yourself with a torch, my angel, and come in for a look see.