Monday, February 21, 2005

My Lawn

I have a very green, well-watered lawn. I have spent many hours grooming it with my large mower, the kind that you can ride. I also have four sprinklers so not an inch of grass goes without a drink. I do not have a garden, for I am not interested in such things.

Now welts have shown up all over my face and thighs. Why?

It is for these reasons that I feel "why me?" I have a smear of reddish hair on my chin, getting longer, almost four inches now that has become a receptacle for cereal.

I am going to, later today, serrate my tongue with a letter opener. Then I may knock myself over the head with a brick. If that doesn't work then I will undo my zipper and pee on my feet, pointing my penis directly at my naked toes (I will not have shoes on). Then, for the finale, I will hurl myself down the stairs and simply wait for the end to come. I suspect it may take a while, I look forward to the lengthy suffering.

Who will water my lawn? I hardly care anymore. But I care just enough to call my mother and request that she keep it green and healthy in my long-awaited absence. Good-bye mother. I read your diary so I know you don't want me to live. Take care of my grass, mother.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

DON'T DO IT!! WE LOVE YOU!!

Trixie said...

In spite of your quirks, you are very cute.

Trixie said...

May I become one of your hussies? I am fit. I am limber. I am ready for pain.

uncle fritz said...

you should come visit us in florida if you decide not to end it. this state is filled with good chow.

mountain man said...

Uncle Fritz,

Are you really my uncle? I'd love to come visit. Right now I am feeling like that Simon and Garfunkel song "I am a rock, I am an island." Sad stuff. I just need some crackers or something, I think. But I will take you up on the visit definitely. Do you have a cot where I can let my hussy stay? I never let her sleep with me in the same bed. We have a tender love, I swear to you, but there are rules to follow.

Can't wait to meet you.

Love,


MM

uncle fritz said...

i have no nephews, so i doubt you are one. if you were you would be less welcome, as i find blood relations repulsive. i am the chief proctor of our literary "group" and would love to have you speak to us. I don't have a cot for your "hussie" but i do have a very comfortable dog house i build for my sadly deceased cur.

Mountain man said...

Well Fritz, actually it sounds like we have some things in common. I would love to speak to your group. What shall I speak about? I may be part Sasquatch so maybe that would be an interesting topic. Please tell me what you expect from me. I kind of like you.

Frank said...

Fritz,

Chief Proctor makes you sound like a real perv. Nice one!!!!! You've gotta give it to someone. Not me though! I'm not like that. I am more into Candy's ass. Maybe you need to meet that little psycho.

uncle fritz said...

is candy your hussy? that's handy. how's her pussy? i'm not just a procter i'm a rector. i'm attached to the church but without a diocese, so-to-speak. But I won't speak. go fuck yourself frank.

uncle fritz said...

sorry mountain, we are more interested in your philosophic positions, so-to-speak. more mind/body/tree-in-the-forest stuff

tang said...

I was told this was one of the more active blogs, and wow you guys are freaky.
It is part date chat, part philosophy course, part banter fest.
Kinda hot, kinda not.
Anyway,
post a hussie....
I'm easy

Trixie said...

Tang, lay it on me. I'm a hussy. I read all the time too. I read anything! I'm an intellectual. Right now I am reading Philip Dick, Confessions of a Crap Artist. Has anyone else read it? I am nude right now. Let's rock it!

jeb said...

uncle fritz
your sing songy word play causes spittle to foam in my throat.
tang, you also, though you are probably hot. Neither of you are offering what you are asking for. Try
http://www.marxists.org/reference/subject/philosophy/works/at/adler.htm
then jerk off.

tang said...

trixie
their is nothing hotter than reading while getting it on. sharing everything. I like girls to lick my breasts while I read to them. I am so wet now.
God

tang said...

Jeb
you jerk off you jerk
go away

uncle fritz said...

You know I am a funny funny man. You are too ashamed to see it. Your loins are shriveling. That's allright. That's how it should be.

Mountain man said...

HEY MISANTHROPES,

Stop getting so raunchy. Heel!!! Go read or something. I don't want to hear how "wet" you are. That is lewd.

I'd rather talk about the Grey Goo that is coming to cover us all.

Thank you kindly,

MM

tang said...

mine is the grey goo coming to cover us
whitish really

mountain man said...

Tang you are foolish, but compelling in that you cannot control your impulses. Certainly I can relate to these animal ways.

tang said...

wild is wild