Wednesday, March 30, 2005

A Dreaded Visit

I am supposed to make a dreaded visit to the rotund foul-breathed withholder of monies this afternoon to pick up some of my art ideas. I do not want to go. I am thinking of putting it off until tomorrow. This makes me a procrastinator. But really I do not want to behold him. He will surely insult me, and though I have asked politely for my money, just a portion of it, he has ignored me. I wish I had Beth to come with me. He is always nicer to me when she is around.

On a lighter note, I am drinking delicious juice water. I love it.

Also, I am laying off the sweets today. Easter made me focus on chocolate. I nearly saturated my colon with chocolate goodies. I am on the mend now.

I am working on a new curse for the evil types.

Hope everyone is happier due to the weather improvement. I am. Somewhat. I am listening for the bats, though. I can hear them squeaking and flapping their wings in the distance. Don't try to tell me they aren't.

93 comments:

juicy woodwitch said...

Listen to your gonads, chances are you will feel stronger and more aggressive tomorrow. Always avoid doing the things you don't want to do, if it won't hurt you. Use the time to plan your attack. He will definitely quail at the sight of your hard throbbing member. (the thought of which only makes this girl juicier).Ignore the sounds of bats, they are a constant. You can't do anything until you can actually see what they are up to, and it just limits the pleasure of the day.

mountain man said...

Thank you delicious juicy. By the way, what flavor of juice are you? I love flavors.

gothra said...

Bats are one of nature's oft forgotten pleasures. What is more wonderful than a rabid flying nocturnal creature? Besides, bats are highly evolved. Do YOU have SONAR Mountain Man?

Janice said...

I'd like to clear a few things up. Although I am freshly dead, brought low in my prime by my jealous husband, I am still able to communicate, but only on blogs. I am not the famed muppet who bears the same name. However I used to somewhat resemble her. I had long stringy blond hair and big red lips. I was a little felty in places too.

I can try to help you, MM, to keep the bats at bay. I know of what you speak and have the power to quell them - at times.

jazbot, rat army colonel said...

Mountain Man,

We stand at attention and are ready to enter into battle with the foul-breathed one at your signal. We have converted electronic piles into specialized spying devices and bombs. Additionally, we have other ways to terrify - usually timid humanoids quiver just at the sight of us. Or we can take up residence in the gallery and secure your valuables. Please do not hesitate to blow the crystal shamrock whistle. WE WIll COME TO VANQUISH THE ROTUND ONE.

Beth's charms, especially in her special beer dress, are effective I am sure. I am sorry she is not available to help. Perhaps you need to untie her? Regardless, the rat army is very, very powerful.

Yours,
Jazobt

mountain man said...

I have sonar in my stick from time to time. I have to be really, let's say, agitated for it to work properly. Sometimes I think it's working but it's actually malfunctioning and that is too embarrassing.

kindom of attacking and foulness said...

I would like to find the money grubber and rub his greasy nose into my yeasty member. Then I will pour asparagus scented urine into his gaping mouth. that will change his tune. Let me know if it works. I have proven effective in the past.

mountain man said...

Thank you Jazbot!! This is most excellent news. I have the shamrock whistle at the ready in my chest pocket, right next to my last gum pack. Everything is in proper alignment for me to handle my duties. Perhaps I should think of this visit as an opportunity to intimidate. I will become large like an animal. I will wear my cape and red wax lips.

Rats and Bats. Wowee.

Pete said...

A yeasty member? This is hard to picture. And yet I want to. Why?

Anonymous said...

The land wasteth in it's desireth to swalloweth the wicked. The hell mouth has spoken.

Pete said...

Hmmm, the hellmouth. Is that a euphemism for a sex organ? I like.

kindom of attacking and foulness said...

My member is coated and creamy.

Cheez Wizard said...

I am here to lend my support in any way I can. I can bring my can of supersonic spray cheez. That is pretty offensive all on its own.

Anonymous said...

Yes Pete, the hellmouth gapes in agreement

mountain man said...

Kingdom of Attacking and Foulness you sound truly foul!

fairy butler said...

This situation with the larger one makes my butler very feisty ... and he is jealous of your sonar, mountain man. (That is a special ability indeed.) My butler would like to accompany you today - invisibly - to provide magical, moral support, like we were talking about last night at Ned's. He is a very fair and just butler so you needn't worry. He won't kill anyone. Often his revenge is of the subtle, and more deeply damaging psychological variety.

Feel the breezes MM!! Can you hear them saying "You're number one!!" ? Listen. They will keep you true.

Dirty Whore said...

I am still looking for a date. Does anyone want to know my measurements and likes/dislikes again? I can refresh your memory. Please someone date me.

mountain man said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
kindom of attacking and foulness said...

I have my uses. I have my principles of course. I have my texturizing pubic hair gel.

mountain man said...

Thank you kindly FB. I have more confidence knowing your butler will be my magical invisible companion. If I also put on a diaper I will have still more confidence!!! What a wonderful day!! Today I am wishing we were all characters on a cartoon. What a great cartoon that would be.

mountain man said...

I'm feeling birdlike suddenly. I am growing!

Pete said...

Hey Dirty Whore, I like your name. Possibly I might want to date you.

krixfort said...

If I were in your cartoon today, I should like to be cast as a clever elf. But not a smurf. Please do not get them confused.

mountain man said...

I hate the smurfs!!! Never would I confuse them. An elf it is. I thought you would be a margarita-guzzling pirate.

krixfort said...

That's my crime fighting alter ego.

postmoderndebunker said...

Argh! Take me with you MM, I am very good with evil rotundity. I will get yer money without a doubt, and stuff the bills in your pants with the greatest pleasure! Mr. Rotunda will be left sobbing and oozing.

Isaac said...

I do good!

mountain man said...

PD yes, you are wondrous in this respect. Krixfort and I are both in love with you. Right Krixiebell? You don't mind if I call you that do you? I won't do it all the time. How is your waxing coming along? Or have you not reached Brazil yet?

postmoderndebunker said...

Are you talkin' 'bout my tail waxing? Or is Krix. getting her's waxed? I just waxed my knuckles--OUCH! I bet Mr. Rotunda needs a good knuckle wax. I think I too am in love.....

Carol Whatsthedealio? said...

Hi Mountain Man. Do you know anything about Green Gold?? The idiot at the art store did not, and I am thinking of complaining to the rotund owner, Grizzly Adams.

mountain man said...

Mr. Silly Grizzly can't help you. He is knocked out from overuse of the drugs, you see. But in the meantime, I can tell you that Green Gold is a color, a nice color, a color I like very much.

krixfort said...

No MM, goblin and I haven't reached Brazil yet. I don't think we will make it there until tomorrow at dawn. There's nothing like a good wax at sunrise.

Ma Bucket said...

Listen Krixfort, I want to make sure you and goblin bundle up nicely!! The nights are cold and damp when you're at sea. And drink your orange juice, I don't want you getting scurvy.

krixfort said...

That's good advice Ma! I was feeling a little bit of the scurvy comin' on.

ARGH!

Pirate Marauder said...

Ahoy matey!!!! ARGHHHH!!!! I have a peg leg and a parrot crapping on my shoulder. I am coming aboard your ship to take over you swashbuckling fool!! Give in to the pirate!!! I am a robber too!

Janice said...

I am floating in the ether. It is quite exciting. Later I am going to go to H & M.

krixfort said...

oh HELL NO, you scurvy bastard. Pirate Marauder I will break you in two with my kung fu grip. And then I'll hand you over to goblin.

However. . .I'm thinking there might be mutually beneficial arrangements that could be made. Do you have any rum? What about gold dubloons?

Chris Chambers said...

I have a phony resale number...so don't charge me tax on that $3 tube of burnt umber!

Pirate Marauder said...

I have plenty o' rum, matey. And the gum. AND A SOCK FULL OF GOLD COINS THAT I WILL BUFFET YOU ABOUT THE HEAD AND NECK WITH. ARRRGGHH!!! You must give in to my pirate ways. I have dragoons with me who will corroborate my every action.

postmoderndebunker said...

Arghh!! I just came from my new revolutionary work-out class: Pirates (pronounced like Pilates). My bandana and eye patch are soaking with sweat, and my peg is sore. Arghhhh.

mountain man said...

OH NO!!! Chris Chambers? It can't be. I thought I vanquished you years ago. Your phony resale number will not work on Mr. Grizzly this time. Mr. Grizzly, get up!! Or get your wily assistant to defend your honor. Where is she?

krixfort said...

so. . .I take it that you don't want to team up then Pirate M. Hmmmm. I guess that leaves me at your mercy a little. Are you going to bind me? (I'm getting a wax tomorrow so you can save yourself the trouble.)

krixfort said...

Janice, what are you going to buy at H&M? I saw the cutest tube top. It would cover up your necrosis.

Pirate Marauder said...

Post Modern Debunker I have seen fools like you before. Do you not know that true Pirates no longer wear bandanas? They all wear large 3 pointed hats over their long unruly locks. Your Pirates class will not prepare you for the marauding that will come your way if you ever make it out to sea.

mountain man said...

Dear PD, I must commend you on your fine wit. Pirates. Very well done!

Pirate Marauder said...

I will team up with you if you promise to be my girlfriend and never to give me scabies.

Pirate Marauder said...

I was speaking to Krixfort on that one, not lying skanking PD.

Jacques Derrida said...

I am out in the ether with Janice. She won't fit into a tube top any time soon, Krixfort. She is a wraith.

This is a rabid discourse.

krixfort said...

Yes, PD, when I get back from my travels I would like to take Pirates. I think it will help with the downsizing.

postmoderndebunker said...

Yes, but those hats can put someone's eye out...in such a class setting. When I am on the high sees--sure I ditch the wimpy bandanas.

mountain man said...

I am absolutely dying over here. ABout to get in serious troubs due to laughing out loud.

postmoderndebunker said...

Pirates is a modern cure all for what ailes you Krix. I would love to have your pretty face in my class. Of course you don't earn the eye patch right away--you have to master the downward peg movement first.

Jacqes Derrida said...

PD, you are the real thing. Like coke in the 80's. (I am referring to the cola and I am speaking in metaphor...i mean semifore. Things are a little fuzzy out here in the ether.)

mountain man said...

I think Ham Paw will like the downward peg movement very much. I wonder if it relates to the toad position and the hop scotch pattern.

Bruce Springsteen said...

I've taken Pirates, and swear by it! It totally cleared my blocked nasal passages!

krixfort said...

Derrida, what are you doing with Janice? Aren't you a deconstruction worker? I think Janice ought to drive you back to your job site.

Chewed Up Baby said...

I didn't want to admit it at first but I too am way into the Pirates. I have earned the peg and the hook but not the patch or the bandana.

postmoderndebunker said...

Ham would probably graduate to "plank walking" movement very quickly, as she is so nimble.

Jacques Derrida said...

Janice and I don't know each other very well.

I no longer work at the deconstruction site. I am somewhere more vague and less positive.

Renee Zellweger said...

I took Pirates and lost 60 pounds after shooting Bridget Jones!!

Renee Zellweger said...

I took Pirates and lost 60 pounds after shooting Bridget Jones!!

Roland Barthes said...

Jacques, get back here you fool!! You haven't finished licking my tush.

Sean Connery said...

Renee you look far out. May I take you to my country house for oatcakes and tea?

krixfort said...

PD, MM, Marauder. . .I have to steer my pirate vessel before it runs ashore. Goblin has smoked the last of the green bud and he is of no use to me right now, that stoner. If I run aground it will be clear to all that I have shirked my duties.

I will check in as time allows.

Sean Connery said...

My mouth is full of marbles, I can only blog, I can no longer speak. Thank you for this delightful forum in which I can truly be myself. I am taking my robe off now. Renee? Are you coming?

Anonymous said...

I hate Renee and Sean.

Nicole Kidman said...

I've tried Pirates, and all it's given me are squinty little eyes! And it has totally frozen my facial muscles.

Renee Zellweger said...

Yes Sean, as you are more manly than Jack White, and speak more clearly.

postmoderndebunker said...

Krix.....Zog Speed!

Pam said...

I have seen you in my Pirates class. You are very beautiful in person. Hi!!! I will be sure to talk to you next time I see you.

mountain man said...

Wow so many celebrities on today. This is very nice. Almost as nice as canned fish.

Alien Sex Fiend said...

I am coming to attack you in my hurricane fighter plane. I don't care if it rains.

Jessica Simpson said...

You mean canned chicken?

Mr. Shankly said...

MM you are fired!!

mountain man said...

Is that really you Jessica? I am so into you. Nice thighs.

Popeye said...

Argh!! I need to see some residuals here!

postmoderndebunker said...

Frankly Mr. Shankly, MM wasn't all that into the position! It paid his way, but it corrodes his soul.

mountain man said...

I am not going to leave this job, Mr. Shankly. Even though I hate it. You are not my real boss. You are not the boss of me.

mountain man said...

I am in so much pain. I just got my hair caught in the toilet bowl. My whole entire head started to go down. I have a quickly swelling egg-sized lump on me head. Owy.

Anonymous said...

Youare all going to get fired from so much time on the blog!!!!

postmoderndebunker said...

That would not have happened if you were wearing your bandana!

postmoderndebunker said...

Anon.--I was fired long ago...I worked at Enron, then Worldcom.

greedy corporate sell-out said...

you pirates can go ahead and have your fun. I'll fire you today and get new pirates tomorrow from overseas who will work for chewed gum.

capitalist pig said...

why get overseas pirates when robots will work just as well. We will get the ROBOTS from overseas which will only cost us three shoelaces and a paper clip.

Ohhhhhh sellout! There is so much $$$$ to be made off the backs of these robots!!! How will we spend our hard earned cash?

greedy corporate sellout said...

oh Piggy! we will use our hard earned cash to buy Culture!!! Then we will appear well rounded and refined instead of coarse and hairy like we are. Thank god J. Schnabel ushered art into the marketplace . . .as a commodity trader, I enjoy owning several of his assets.

krixfort said...

grrrrr. Capitalist pig, didn't I work for you once in Redmond? I hated your company. You gave me a distaste for my life's work.

That's why I had to take this trip! I am trying to find true meaning.

krixfort said...

MM, please ban these MFs from your blog. They need to go back to wall street or Washington DC or whatever rat hole they crawled of. I think they are the bats of whom you spoke earlier.

Condi Ricecake said...

I am about to get this blog shut down! I will not have you bleeding heart leberals and pirates insulting corporate America.

Condi Ricecake said...

You make me so angry I can hardly spell!!

babe in the tree said...

DIE CONDI! I want to stick you so bad! Lion King! kill!

Anonymous said...

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They grow up to 15in long and 2in wide.
gardening

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nope said...

Hi,

I'm sorry for being intrusive in to your blog. But I am Melissa and I am a mother of two that is just trying to get out of an incredible financial debt. See my hubby is away in Iraq trying to protect this great country that we live in, and I am at home with our two kids telling bill collectors please be patiant. When my husband returns from war we will beable to catch up on our payments. We have already had are 2001 Ford repossessed from the bank, and are now down to a 83 buick that is rusted from front to back and the heater don't work, and tire tax is due in November.

I'm not asking for your pitty because we got our ownselfs into this mess but we would love you and thank you in our prayers if you would just keep this link on your blog for others to view.

God Bless You.

Melissa K. W.
To see my family view this page. My Family


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