Saturday, March 26, 2005

Mother F***er

This s*** stinks. I went out tonight and these two skanky shorter girls with phony crapeater attitudes gave me the c*nt eye. You know what that is, right? Eye rolling, used to be friendly but now am skeptical for no reason, c*** eye. HATE is being reaped in my candy heart. I am ready to kill with venomous viper dagger style teeth. I never did anything to you. So why the heinous beefy attitude. Because you are sad and depressed and left out. And me, though I am sad and depressed and left out, well at least I am funny sometimes.

I am so ready to re-emerge with salty sweet peaceful vengeance on the earth. Come to me Sandworms. This time I am unafraid.

11 comments:

ham paw said...

there are natural requirements you must perform before you exact revenge. Salt bath and enema of course. Then the contortions of the hop scotch. This is the perfect time for this practice to be activated in the manner of the validating fashion of the hop scotch association. please invite the initiation to continue in your heart.

mountain man said...

ham paw, i would be nowhere and nothing without you. i am inviting the initiation into my heart. i am preparing the salt bath and enema. i welcome the hopscotch contortions. if i practice enough it will come to me.

mountain man said...

i am still thinking of the invisible wounds inflicted on me by the swarthy pair of evil milkmaids. it was unpretty. last night i dreamt they had a slumber party without me in my extra bedroom. just like junior high, they giggled behind closed door. to get back at them, my only choice was to tell them to wash the dishes after they were done eating. they glowered at me.

later in the dream i was trying to fly away from chunky ex-cons who were trying to rough me up. (no offense, lion king) i flapped my arms and wished i could ascend to the clouds. i made it halfway over and over and kept falling onto hot asphalt. ouchy on bare feet.

short girl said...

MM, while I wholeheartedly empathize with your plight and enjoyed both your and ham paw's comments, I resent the short comments. There is nothing inherently evil about us. I know you are approaching 7 feet so that short women may be frightening to you, as though they are from another species, but WE ARE NOT ALL BAD.

That's all.

Peg said...

They sound like harbingers of doom, warning you of the coming apocalypse. Please get right with the Lord. The end is nigh.

Helene said...

They will stew in their own juices. They will rot after I taste them and find them lacking. I noticed something unfortunate about about the one. It was a physical problem is all I can say. The stewing has already begun. I have a cauldron for this purposes. The kittens must be ladled out.

Jed said...

My name is short for Jedediah. I am all about the end times too.

Helene, I believe I have seen you down by the river with your shopping cart and cloak, collecting rat and kitten corpses. You are a shady lady. I like your antics and am wondering if I may come over to taste of your rotten stew. I am not afraid of the stomach cramping that is sure to ensue.

I saw those two charmless milkmaids. Their milk was sour and their attitudes beastly. One had chewed up rabbit ears instead of real ears that she tried and failed to keep covered by her natty hair. Am I right?

Anonymous said...

i think i know why they hate you MM. it is because you are a big phony liar. that's why. you are not really 7 feet and you lied about it!!! people expect you to be so tall when they meet you and you are only 6' 4". this is entirely unacceptable.

postmoderndebunker said...

You musn't allow the foul-mouthed c*** face to get to your butterscotch heart. You have been dipped in the finest crystals of sweetness, and are shielded from the Cult of Crazy C****

Mountain man said...

Thank you kindly, PD. I am recovering slowly. In the meantime, I have realized that I must open a saloon. I will do some research and see how feasible it is. But don't you think it would be grand for us all to have a place to go and drink sasparilla and eat the freshest chicken? I do. I do indeed.

postmoderndebunker said...

It will be a profitable venture. I will be happy to contribute my talents in the kitchen. It may be cost-effective to purchase the pre-hydrogenated chicken slices, but very unhealthy for the buttercotch heart. Go free-range.