Aqua pools of sulphuric acid with pockets of steam rising from them. It's a beautiful sight. But meanwhile I am puckery and grey. I sit in my bedroom and hear the worst television set noise and giggling from people who I am supposed to love who are sitting in the living room.
I am bitter again. It was getting better at one point. I felt somewhat at peace for a day or so. I read this book that told me to calm down. Not to be so clingy. I felt I understood it for a few hours and I began to really calm down. I began to cling less. I had my own private thoughts and felt my bad pain like fluffy pudding in my stomach instead of like hot angry daggers behind my eyes. It seemed like the right thing to do to be nice. I wanted to smile and uncrease my wizened face. But now I am scrunched up again. Hateful again.
I want to be a better Mountain Man. I really do. But inside I am seething with hatred. I WANT THINGS TO SIZZLE. I am an ugly man.