Time to Smarten Up

It is that time again. Time to make the doughnuts. Time to write two syllabi for this coming semester. Time to re-animate thoughts and tone up that flabby lazy ass-brain.

I am teaching a seminar on contemporary art for juniors and a drawing class for seniors wherein I will preach the necessity for utilizing the ass as the generative creative force: draw from your ass, contemplate your ass, pay homage to your ass. Your ass will be there for you through thick and thin. Please replace all other ideas with this one.

A Letter

Dear Noggin,

Help me for I cannot hold the clamp steady. The clamp holds the metal in place. The metal is formed in the shape of charming yet functionless decoration. The decorative metal is meant to inspire peace. The peace is meant to fill your soul with goodness, yet none of this can occur with the clamp coming loose all the time as it does.

I wish I had you near me to hold the clamp in place!

Accordingly, please try to come over when you can, as I have been standing here for days, trying to hold the clamp steady, but as I've said, the clamp keeps coming loose and now my hands are numb and bloody.

Aside from that, I still need you to come over.

Love,

Crumble

Doug Henning

Welcome to the world of magic. Where magic is illusion. And illusion can be magical. FB, do you not think this will be your next Halloween costume? Research on Doug Henning will lead you to bucktooth smiles, fanciful whimsy in the form of inspirational quotes and shiny one-piece outfits. Sunbursts, butterflies and puffy clouds.

Please visit www.doughenning.com to witness delights upon delights.

Have a wonderful day.

The Wicker Man

First things first. This movie is a musical.

A police sergeant flies in a water plane to an island off the west coast of Scotland. He is there to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. The harbour master greets the uniformed stranger, along with several gnarly-toothed turtleneck-wearing goons. The policeman pulls out a picture to ask if they know of her. They all shake their heads no. "No she doesn’t belong to this island." "I don’t know her at all." "Can’t say I know her." "She’s not from here." Giggles.

Later at the Green Man Inn, the sergeant walks through a smoky bar filled shaggy drinkers. The innkeeper and his daughter, Willow, played by a plump-lipped and shapely blonde Scandinavian, agree to give him a room. Quickly the first musical number of the movie ensues - a lecherous song about Willow and “the parts that lie between her left toe and her right toe.”

Our Sergeant Howie is very serious and systematic, a problem-solver. He does not trust the islanders…but why? It is soon revealed that they are hedonistic pagans who believe in reincarnation and like to play dress up, tough for a Catholic virgin to swallow.

One of the best scenes in any movie ever begins with the sergeant kneeling at his bed in the inn, praying. Willow apparently sleeps next door. That night she tries to seduce him, to lure him to her through song and dance. There are no words to describe this scene. Let it be said that shadows are important, sculptures are touched, man-sweat is induced, and the fine lass’s ass is self-slapped. This is one of the most important scenes in cinema. You must trust me on this.

Post haste we are transported to the next musical number. A man that looks like your 7th grade geography teacher/ boys' rhythmic gymnastic coach sings of transmutation and sexual union – for him song is not just words, it is also charade-like hand gestures. This is another catchy tune, a tune you'll not soon forget.

Slowly the sargeant starts to understand the sinister depths of blaspheming and sin rampant on the island. In his disgust and suspicion he thinks he is putting together the pieces of a murder mystery…..but there is a twist of course. Also there is Christopher Lee in drag, there are naked girls who leap over an open flame amidst a faux Stonehenge, hoping for parthenogenesis. (Here I am thinking of a dangerous kind of douche commercial.) Just trust me. Please see this movie. Please.

Long may the Wicker Man burn.

Why?

This is the question I ask of existence for which I hear no answer ever. New hobbies I am considering

1. Candy
2. Born-again Christianity
3. Helter Skelter
4. Taxidermy of Diseased Mutton
5. Firewalking
6. Nail-cutting
7. Staring
8. Pointillism
9. Scrapping of All Hobbies
10. Vaccination of Herky Jerky Types

Just got back from Pittsburgh last night. Parents arrive in NY at 1 something this afternoon. I am in need of recovery.

Troublemakers Part II: The Emergency Easter Portrait

1.18.05

Dear Frances Dancer,

I just witnessed the fascinating and artistic website of yourself and your family. I can't believe that you all paint portraits and you are all related. What skills and what luck are present in the Dancer family. In any event, I am a mother of 5 beautiful children, ranging in age from 2 to 17. I live on the eastern shore of Maryland and am interested in having a group Easter portrait of my children painted soon. I have made matching bunny outfits for all the children. Some of the outfits have real rabbit fur that I hand dye. Like your family, I appreciate craft.

Frances, I love your paintings and the way you describe your process. I like how you see the potential in the little people we call children. Also you look like a nice person. I would be kidding myself if I said that you were not the best of the Dancer clan. You are. Your work is charming and awkward and lacks some of the skill evident in your other family members work. But you are all so interesting. That doesn't mean I don't love it.

Excuse my candor but what would you charge for an emergency group portrait as Easter is coming shortly and I need it for a family reunion and feast? I am so exciting!!

Please get back to me right away. I am happy to send a deposit to get you started. I assume that this project
will be as enticing for you as it is exciting for me!!


Sincerely,

Doris Kelpie


1.18.05

PS -

I hope I am not bothering you, Francer. As this is urgent and of a timely nature, I am hoping to hear from you with a quote soon. Very soon. Sorry. I need this portrait! I am greatly interested in your portraits so I hope it's you that paints my painting.

Cheers,

Doris


1.26.05

Dear Doris,

Thank you for your interest in my work. I apologize that it had taken me this long to return your email. Our website is fairly new and I had problems retrieving my email. I think the best thing for us to do is to talk on the phone and for me to drive out to your house to see where you want the painting to be hung. The size of the painting is going to determine my price. For instance if it were 5 figures life size and full length it would be 5x10,000. However, under life size will reduce the price. The more figures in the painting, the more complicated it is too achieve a good flow in the composition. I could definitely get this done by Easter permitting we agree on price and size soon. If you are interested in getting this done call me on my cell at 410 320 5898. I could possibly come to your house this weekend. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Frances Dancer


2.01.05


Dear Frances,

Thank you for your kind attentions to this formerly pressing matter. However my husband has insisted he does not wish to see a painting of our 5 rambunctious children, he says he sees enough of them in reality, why have to look at them in a picture too. I hereby withdraw my request for the emergency easter portrait. I promise to contact you in the future for this task, should he come to his senses.

Fondly,

Doris

Troublemakers: a Series of Correspondences, Part I

1.17.2005

Dear John Crevelle,

I think it's you but I'm not sure. You are the artist, right? Who paints realistically and used to live in Philadelphia? I have a memory of your paintings but I can't remember them exactly or where I saw them. I know it was Philadelphia. Are you still at it? I hope so. If there is any place to view your art on the internet, will you let me know? I still live in Philadelphia. I am an Art Lover. I made a list of people who's work I liked a long time ago and recently found it again and now I am trying to track you all down due to the fact that I have some disposable income. My grandmother died and left me a great deal of cash. This is an exciting time for me, I can only hope it is exciting for you too. It's great to get older and have success and support the things you believe in. Consider this a magical gift from the great beyond. I never had kids and am now realizing it
is because I need to support the arts. My husband agrees with me on that note. (haha)

Are you teaching? I used to teach business at La Salle University. I don't teach now. I couldn't take the stress.

I hope to see your work again soon. I like realistic style painting the best. I never met you I don't think. Unless you are the one with brown hair. Are you? Please
clarify.

Yours truly,

Doris Kelpie



1.17.2005

Dear Doris,

Well, you got me. I'm the realistic painter. I still paint and teach. I'm not sure how we knew each other though. I went to the Pennsylvania Acadamy of the Fine Arts, maybe that had something to do with it.

Glad to hear your doing well. I do miss Philadelphia, I'm in NYC now.

John



1.18.2005

Dear John,

How wonderful to hear from you right away like that!!! Now i remember that I met you at an academy event. Years have passed since that time. Are you still attractive? People tell me that I am attractive. No grey hairs yet. Thank goodness, right? Please say we can do a studio visit. As I mentioned earlier, I want to purchase art.

Thank you for your eagerness.

Best,

Doris



1.18.2005

Doris,

I still can't place you. Perhaps if you email me a picture of yourself
it will jog my memory.

John



2.2.2005

Doris,

I haven't heard from you in awhile. Are you still out there?

John


3.28.05

Dear John,

HI AFTER SO LONG!!!!!! I am so sorry I have not been in touch with you. You won't believe what happened. However it's a long story and I don't want to bore you. Needless to say, I have been thinking of you during this absurd trial. How are your students? How do you do?

I do good. I broke it off with my husband for real. He is a pilot and our schedules didn't jive. I am very open it seems. I really want to be open to you, but I am shy. I'm afraid to send my picture. My friend took it after a few whiskeys and it's a tad dirty. I find it hard to stay off the sauce!! :) But listen I want to commune with you. Have you ever heard of the hop scotch contortion? If not I will teach you. Won't it be funny for you to be the student!!

Love,

Doris


3.28.05

Doris,

It sounds like your going through a difficult a time in your life. I'm
terribly sorry to hear that. I must tell you that I have a girlfriend
who I am very much in love with. We've been together for several years,
living together, and some day I hope she'll make that oh so very precarious
commitment. When you wrote me I thought you were interested in
discussing art. Perhaps you should take some time to heal.

John


12.18.2005

Hi John,

I am wondering if you were ever able to get married. I hope so. You sounded great for each other. How is it at school? The teaching and such. I have been making a
point to see as many art shows as I can. I am waiting for your email alerting me to your next solo show. When will that be?

I hope you are painting and teaching well. Neither endeavor is easy, as you know. Good luck and best to you always.

Kudos,


Doris


12.21.2005


Doris,

I've got to tell you I can't place you from Phila. Unless you can send me a
picture of yourself so I can figure out who I'm emailing, I'm going to have
to ask you to stop emailing me. Sorry.

John

Tristram Hillier

Pylons, 1933

Hi

Enter the Hole

And come out a fresh brand new idealistic moral happy snappy no liquid no gases just solids good idea type of person. Enter the anus of the universe and come out new, I am promising you. You will travel beyond the horrors of the day and night. Consider it like a cult that you can join. Please join me in attempting to cut off the bunions of reality and improve yourself into better versions. You can say you're sorry for your mistakes but that won't change them. You look in the mirror and you're still you. The newness comes from magic. The magic of the anus in the sky. Come there now with me. There is a pack and matching saber available to assist you in your journey.

Quote of the Day

You wake up, and you feel molested. In fact: the hideous thing. You open your chest of drawers: a further molestation. Washing and dressing are molestations. Having to get dressed! Having to eat breakfast! When you go out on the street, you are subject to the gravest possible molestations. You are unable to shield yourself. You lay about yourself, but it’s no use. The blows you dole out are returned a hundredfold. What are streets, anyway? Wendings of molestation, up and down. Squares? Bundled together molestations.

– Thomas Bernhard, from Frost

This guy cracks me up.

Otto Dix

Today as I was walking from the bedroom to the bathroom I wished someone would make caverns and holes in my face and swell it, pinken it like in an Otto Dix painting. If I had my way I'd be the guy on the left. I know it's wrong. I just want to see what it would be like to have a hose coming out of the hole where my ear once was. Head shaved, stubble growing in patches like an unwatered lawn. Red and toothy, all puffy-like. I'd play cards with my foot too. I'd yuck it up in the dark with booze. It is like a vacuum sucking at your face and head in order to reveal your true character.

Anyway. Glitter and Doom: German Portraits from the 1920's at the Met, up until February 19 is an amazing show. Just saying.

Hey Hi +

Hi. Here is what has happened. My sausage has fallen out the window, the blackened areas gangrened fully and rotted off me so I am more healthy in a way and more in tune with words. There is a show up of work of MM's at Kevin Bruk Gallery in Miami. I am awaiting images to post here. There will be a group trek to Miami this weekend to see the show and wander about the beachy regions and get wrecked. I have high hopes to spend most of the time under an XXL beach cover-up with Mrs. Cub. What will happen underneath this cover is up to your imagination or if you want to pay us $5 perhaps we will show you. Let it be known that there are unwanted hairs that have not been removed as of right now. I will keep you informed of any changes in hair presence and/or appearance.

Forthcoming will be posts on two artists I recently discovered at the Tate Modern in London.

It is trying to come back. Frogs has politely asked to have his venue reinvigorated. I cannot say no to Frogs.

The Micronation of Dubz

Dear Dubz, I loved your show. The shadow masses exorcised verbal whims and gave me remnants of ghosts, huts and robots. The sculptures were like actors in a stationary theater, but didn't negate the paintings or relegate them only to background. It was like they expounded on each other instead with the sweatband rhyming with skittle-colored paint swooshes. Who else could accomplish such humor and still not undermine the heroic desires of paint. I am excited. There were echos of Mad Max and Escape from New York - movies from the past that envisioned apocalyptic scenarios in the future. Future past was enacted with swift and sure decisions. Black and rainbows give me feelings of hope and menace. I believe you are the druid of the discount sections.

Haptic Valve Situation

My sense of touch went down the sewers with the rains. I have been sequestering myself with truancy and systemic breakdowns. There is no reason or excuse, it is a withdrawal from the inside, receding further and further in until the touch implodes into numbness. It doesn't make sense but this is how I want to say it. Do you ever get really far inside yourself so much that it feels like you are hiding and then it gets harder and harder to come out? This is the point of unnatural coma. I am sure it is beginning to end.

Windy Grasses

I am missing the grasses and trees and other green things from the wilds. I feel not human in the city, like an alien I guess you could say. I am going to send myself via regular mail four edible jelly novelties molded in the shape of pigs as a joke on the diffuse and shifting nature of meaning in contemporary life. I am aware that I may not understand this joke however the candies will taste nice.

Have a good weekend.

Mucky Bloody Face Day

I fashioned a mask for myself in the night and this is it. Please enjoy my new look and if you desire to kiss me put your tongue through the eyeholes. UF leaves tomorrow for a whole month. Sniff. Me sad. So. Who wants to go out and get wrecked with me tomorrow night? I mean really really awfully badly wrecked, like worse than this mask.

Here's to you UF

Happy Birthday, son.

Garbled Voices

Garbled voices are speaking to me. I am trying to draw the black oily ether from which caverns and flora grow but it is hard, my gut is distracting me, it droops to the floor and causes my face to get lowered to the drawing, wherein the drool puddles form on the nice fine black lines. But anyway. It adds atmosphere.

So. I am happy to read Reverend Jen on Artnet. I'll take her over Charlie Finch any day. I like her pink leotard, if only I had the gumption to wear one "on the ground" but happily for you I have no such gumption.

I am in need of narcotix. Anyone who has them please send them. I will do almost anything.

I am drawing and pretending I am in the caverns, shadowy and blackened like the catfishes.

Anything is Something for Me

Well my computer is broke and I am stored up in a shack with whores from here until who knows when. The good part is that the whores know how to please me.

I am interested in becoming a part of reality again. I am one with the accursed share for now but I anticipate becoming more friendly in the cyber acres very soon. Here's to a large swollen tum filled with the inner beast.

I am ready to find myself in belief in no heaven.