First things first. This movie is a musical.
A police sergeant flies in a water plane to an island off the west coast of Scotland. He is there to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. The harbour master greets the uniformed stranger, along with several gnarly-toothed turtleneck-wearing goons. The policeman pulls out a picture to ask if they know of her. They all shake their heads no. "No she doesn’t belong to this island." "I don’t know her at all." "Can’t say I know her." "She’s not from here." Giggles.
Later at the Green Man Inn, the sergeant walks through a smoky bar filled shaggy drinkers. The innkeeper and his daughter, Willow, played by a plump-lipped and shapely blonde Scandinavian, agree to give him a room. Quickly the first musical number of the movie ensues - a lecherous song about Willow and “the parts that lie between her left toe and her right toe.”
Our Sergeant Howie is very serious and systematic, a problem-solver. He does not trust the islanders…but why? It is soon revealed that they are hedonistic pagans who believe in reincarnation and like to play dress up, tough for a Catholic virgin to swallow.
One of the best scenes in any movie ever begins with the sergeant kneeling at his bed in the inn, praying. Willow apparently sleeps next door. That night she tries to seduce him, to lure him to her through song and dance. There are no words to describe this scene. Let it be said that shadows are important, sculptures are touched, man-sweat is induced, and the fine lass’s ass is self-slapped. This is one of the most important scenes in cinema. You must trust me on this.
Post haste we are transported to the next musical number. A man that looks like your 7th grade geography teacher/ boys' rhythmic gymnastic coach sings of transmutation and sexual union – for him song is not just words, it is also charade-like hand gestures. This is another catchy tune, a tune you'll not soon forget.
Slowly the sargeant starts to understand the sinister depths of blaspheming and sin rampant on the island. In his disgust and suspicion he thinks he is putting together the pieces of a murder mystery…..but there is a twist of course. Also there is Christopher Lee in drag, there are naked girls who leap over an open flame amidst a faux Stonehenge, hoping for parthenogenesis. (Here I am thinking of a dangerous kind of douche commercial.) Just trust me. Please see this movie. Please.
Long may the Wicker Man burn.