Sunday, January 07, 2007

The Wicker Man

First things first. This movie is a musical.

A police sergeant flies in a water plane to an island off the west coast of Scotland. He is there to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. The harbour master greets the uniformed stranger, along with several gnarly-toothed turtleneck-wearing goons. The policeman pulls out a picture to ask if they know of her. They all shake their heads no. "No she doesn’t belong to this island." "I don’t know her at all." "Can’t say I know her." "She’s not from here." Giggles.

Later at the Green Man Inn, the sergeant walks through a smoky bar filled shaggy drinkers. The innkeeper and his daughter, Willow, played by a plump-lipped and shapely blonde Scandinavian, agree to give him a room. Quickly the first musical number of the movie ensues - a lecherous song about Willow and “the parts that lie between her left toe and her right toe.”

Our Sergeant Howie is very serious and systematic, a problem-solver. He does not trust the islanders…but why? It is soon revealed that they are hedonistic pagans who believe in reincarnation and like to play dress up, tough for a Catholic virgin to swallow.

One of the best scenes in any movie ever begins with the sergeant kneeling at his bed in the inn, praying. Willow apparently sleeps next door. That night she tries to seduce him, to lure him to her through song and dance. There are no words to describe this scene. Let it be said that shadows are important, sculptures are touched, man-sweat is induced, and the fine lass’s ass is self-slapped. This is one of the most important scenes in cinema. You must trust me on this.

Post haste we are transported to the next musical number. A man that looks like your 7th grade geography teacher/ boys' rhythmic gymnastic coach sings of transmutation and sexual union – for him song is not just words, it is also charade-like hand gestures. This is another catchy tune, a tune you'll not soon forget.

Slowly the sargeant starts to understand the sinister depths of blaspheming and sin rampant on the island. In his disgust and suspicion he thinks he is putting together the pieces of a murder mystery…..but there is a twist of course. Also there is Christopher Lee in drag, there are naked girls who leap over an open flame amidst a faux Stonehenge, hoping for parthenogenesis. (Here I am thinking of a dangerous kind of douche commercial.) Just trust me. Please see this movie. Please.

Long may the Wicker Man burn.

30 comments:

mountain man said...

This is the 1973 version. Not the Nicolas Cage abomination.

PS - The soundtrack KICKS ASS.

The Salmon of Knowledge said...

Don't forget me. I am there too, marching in the parade of death. I am laughing behind my fish head.

Large Teat said...

I present you with an egg in a ruined graveyard. My eldest child still suckles me.

Bacon said...

I am here to confuse you. Am I bacon? Or am I an umbilical cord?

Cummerbund and Cane said...

We wish we had made the cut. We auditioned but were painfully rejected from this film.

Sushi Blameless said...

Where is my brother? Open mind means open bumhole-flower. I am more vulgar than my brother. Forgive me.

chuckles said...

Hi. Sounds like phun.

sushi Blameful said...

many lucks on your thoughts....

Fiddlestix said...

Sushi oh sushi. Please tell us more.

Cujo said...

What happens to the girl? Just tell me.

Anonymous said...

I am feeling no pain. Yet I am scared.

slothy said...

Sushi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blame me, please. I need to be blamed IMMEDIATELY.

MM said...

It is morning. It rains. I am bloated.

MM said...

I have so many good ideas that I cannot implement.

Foofoo said...

OMG me too. I have extravagant ideas about the near and far future that will never come to fruition due to my lack of gumption.

fairy butler said...

this sounds really spesh mm. i will make a bowl of bacon nuggets and candy corn and settle in with this soon. also, i am going to investigate the area between the right and left big toes because i think i am missing something there. good for a rainy day, no?

arthur and i were stunned into silence late last night by this

sushi Blameful said...

Many gumptions misplaced. Most lucks give within. Space, near, crown, scepter.
Open Sloth, your gift Nomi comes gesture. Sushi cannot blame you.
Mountain, oh Mountain, where is sun, most sun?

Anonymous said...

Dear MM:
Musical numbers in a film? Hmm another plotline for Disney to mine - coming soon to a stage near you? Elton to write the songs, Julie T to stage direct? Can see the lights on Broadway now...? Busses arrive to pack them there theatres....
UF and I saw 'Dreamgirls' New Year's Eve prior to Dinner - would have prefered the stage production...But the audience was lapping it up...No accounting for Taste.

Corny said...

This is One of my ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIES! OMG Willows wall dance is out of control! Most hillarious: when the cop comes apon the school lesson about the phalace and it breaks into the worlds best song about semen. The thing about the Wickerman is it's so beautifully absurd and then the ending is actually really horrifying. The soundtrack is AMAZING! I got it at a store in the east village which only sells movie soundtracks and torch music, (12th between 4th and 3rd) I can burn it for you too if you want... or do you have it? God MM! I just love you so much more for knowing the genius of this movie.

Corny said...

FB that is HEAVY DUTY. wow. Genius.
makes joanna newsom look like, what, something derivative and totally inferior, right?

hammy said...

the wall dance... the may pole, the cemetary, the rabbit faces... so many good memories..

MM said...

Oh my god FB. You have no idea what this songs means to Hammy and I. Ham, click the link, see the video. Wuthering Heights. We have a special dance for this song that might rival Kate's own interpretive wonderment. Nice facial gesturing. Wow.

MM said...

Corny, if you could burn the Wicker Man soundtrack for me I would be eternally grateful. All the songs go through my head every day. I have only seen the movie 5 times in the past 3 weeks and it's not enough. I feel like I need to memorize it.

Freckles are like Feces said...

I want to better myself today and for the rest of my life. Everything is broken but there is hope for fixing. Right?

peeds said...

OMG FB!! I am loving the Bush (ahem). I thought immediately of Hams (and you too MM). Her eyes are what drives the song home. She's posessed.

I have never seen this film, but now I have to. It sounds incredible.

deli-slicer said...

I think there should be a Kate Bush broadway musical.

Puddles in the Heart said...

PD you will love the Wicker Man. You will commence jumping over the flames at once, I know.

I think we should all dress up like Kate Bush in this video and terrorize people on the streets with wailing and dancing. Like true harpies.

fairy butler said...

i was in awe of kate bush's dance move repetoire. so many new flailing arm combos that I MUST add to my movements. the weird thing is that the more i look at that video and listen to the song the more i truly do like the song.

wicker man is coming via netflix mm. 1st on the queue. maybe it will come today?

MM said...

I want to add cartwheels too to the repertoire. And wider eyes.

FB, you and Arthur are sure to enjoy the WM.

Corny said...

The band The Sneeker Pimps do a gorgeous cover of the wall dance song. This is a pretty great album worth getting but take a taste of track 11 "how do"

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-X-Sneaker-Pimps/dp/B000000WCT

I'll burn it...I just got to find it.
The only scene I had trouble with was when the cop was chasing the hoppy horse around the town otherwise it is a flawless movie.