Friday, December 22, 2006

Troublemakers Part II: The Emergency Easter Portrait

1.18.05

Dear Frances Dancer,

I just witnessed the fascinating and artistic website of yourself and your family. I can't believe that you all paint portraits and you are all related. What skills and what luck are present in the Dancer family. In any event, I am a mother of 5 beautiful children, ranging in age from 2 to 17. I live on the eastern shore of Maryland and am interested in having a group Easter portrait of my children painted soon. I have made matching bunny outfits for all the children. Some of the outfits have real rabbit fur that I hand dye. Like your family, I appreciate craft.

Frances, I love your paintings and the way you describe your process. I like how you see the potential in the little people we call children. Also you look like a nice person. I would be kidding myself if I said that you were not the best of the Dancer clan. You are. Your work is charming and awkward and lacks some of the skill evident in your other family members work. But you are all so interesting. That doesn't mean I don't love it.

Excuse my candor but what would you charge for an emergency group portrait as Easter is coming shortly and I need it for a family reunion and feast? I am so exciting!!

Please get back to me right away. I am happy to send a deposit to get you started. I assume that this project
will be as enticing for you as it is exciting for me!!


Sincerely,

Doris Kelpie


1.18.05

PS -

I hope I am not bothering you, Francer. As this is urgent and of a timely nature, I am hoping to hear from you with a quote soon. Very soon. Sorry. I need this portrait! I am greatly interested in your portraits so I hope it's you that paints my painting.

Cheers,

Doris


1.26.05

Dear Doris,

Thank you for your interest in my work. I apologize that it had taken me this long to return your email. Our website is fairly new and I had problems retrieving my email. I think the best thing for us to do is to talk on the phone and for me to drive out to your house to see where you want the painting to be hung. The size of the painting is going to determine my price. For instance if it were 5 figures life size and full length it would be 5x10,000. However, under life size will reduce the price. The more figures in the painting, the more complicated it is too achieve a good flow in the composition. I could definitely get this done by Easter permitting we agree on price and size soon. If you are interested in getting this done call me on my cell at 410 320 5898. I could possibly come to your house this weekend. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Frances Dancer


2.01.05


Dear Frances,

Thank you for your kind attentions to this formerly pressing matter. However my husband has insisted he does not wish to see a painting of our 5 rambunctious children, he says he sees enough of them in reality, why have to look at them in a picture too. I hereby withdraw my request for the emergency easter portrait. I promise to contact you in the future for this task, should he come to his senses.

Fondly,

Doris

31 comments:

mountain man said...

Fiction vs. Reality, which is more important?

I am eager just now.

Kim said...

Freeality and Friction, that's all I know.

burning sphincter (of love) said...

I would like to contact Frances Dancer regarding an emergency xmas portrait of my insides--life-size.

Walter bigglesworth said...

I am not a fan of reality, but I am certainly a fan of the Dancer clan.

lady jane sheepshanks said...

I had Frances paint a protrait of my entire family of cats--all 46 of them. I daresay--BRILLIANT!

Eager Bunion said...

I love cat portraits as well as insides portraits, bunion portraits and portraits of the calvary of enforcers trussed in uniforms of ribbons and real fur.

teen said...

I want portraits of my whiteheads done. Supersized with real-like oil droplets.

Teen #2 said...

I hate myself so deeply and thoroughly I must rage into the mirror of the night with knives on my forearms. Cut cut cut. Call me if you want to talk about your feelings.

Choosy Mother said...

Teen #2, get back into your duck sleeper.

teen said...

OMG! I cut too. I will text you my feelings.

Fire of the Hermaphrodite said...

I am laid low and completed by the bearded sword-bearing captain.

Teen #2 said...

Text me your feelings and a picture of your largest and most uncompromised whitehead.

The Captain said...

I have swindled your limbs but pressed them nicely and keep them now in a formaldehyde suspension on my bookshelf. You can have them back when you are ready to wield them with more purpose.

teen said...

It burst all over the lense, but I'll send a pic. of it.

Yellow Welt said...

My real name is Debbie. I hate my mother.

Teen #2 said...

Teen that is grody.

Anonymous said...

I want an emergency easter portrait. Give me her number.

cyndy said...

oh doris, how I adore you. With gushes of Easter greetings and blessings for your ways.

Corny said...

Someone call the fire department and the department of homeland security, terrorists have attacked and ARTISTIC THOUGHTS is on FIRE! This -I'm sorry, has got to be the funniest thing you've ever written or that I've ever read, HA! My god, I am slicing my wrists with the pleasure overload from reading your prose my dear.
THANK YOU

The Capt'n said...

fancy prancer, I too am adoring of the prose, so thanks again for everything.

USB said...

Dear MM:
Ready for some Reality?
US and I visited Bubbles today.. was a bit surreal as you might expect. At one moment enroute to the W.C. she cut a few fancy steps across the floor with the walker while Bille Holiday crooned a tune. Marbles are evidently being lost constantly - the poor dear couldn't keep my name straight. 'Time was fluid - madness takes its toll...' US had his buttons jabbed at constantly. We fled gratefuly into the dark stormy night..seeking shelter from the mental storm...

MM said...

We are leaving for Pittsburgh this morning. Can I just say UGH? Please? Thanks.

USB, you give me a pleasing albeit disturbing image of my grandmother...as long as Bubbles can make herself laugh from time to time all is well. Sort of. I guess.

Corny thank you for your kind encouragement. I want to send loving punches your way and to the dear Capt'n, Slothy, Dubz, FB, PD, Hammy, Lupis and everyone special, clean or dirty. Thanks for being in my life. Merry Stinkin' Christmas and what not.

The Capt'n said...

Girl, you so crazy funny, I had to read and crack up all over again. I feel a love attack coming on...

sloth said...

MM, you crack me up so hard, my mesothelioma cleared up instantly! Love and happy bleeding christmas to you and Uncle Fritz.

jesus christ said...

Happy birthday to me! I am ready, you may present me with gifts now. Love me.

hanial said...

Jesus,
I have an olive branch, some clam chowder and new Birkenstock's for you. They all come in a wooden box I myself carved out of your cross. Hope you like these; you rock. Or is that Peter, I forget.
Anyway, Happy You, just walk quietly, all's good.

jesus christ said...

thank you hanail. you are my most best apostle. I have a secret for you, please don't tell anyne, but I am a jew. Remember, it's on the QT and very hush hush

hanial said...

J.C., I love Jews; they make the best soup. Don't worry, my lips are sealed; they are actually stuck together.

Choochoo said...

Me love the lips of seal, the lips that stay close and together. Love.

clockface said...

My hands are tied.

MM said...

UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH is what I said upon leaving and it's what I say upon return. 8 1/2 hours in the car yesterday now my parents come today wherein I thought they were coming tomorrow. I am so tired. Tossing and turning is my new hobby.