Monday, June 13, 2005

Assumption of Another Identity

Today my name will be Marcy. I am a girl, shorter than normal, glasses-wearing, wearing of button downs.

This Marcy is a bit of a bookworm. She abhors loud sounds and carousing at bars - she loves the air-conditioning, wall-to-wall carpeting, diet colas. She is bland in personality but excellent at crossword puzzles and Scrabble. She has bad asthma and a giant terrarium in her living room. Lizards, chameleons and snakes in there. Tropical plants. She is planning a trip to the jungles of Guyana to study curative flora. She is in need of cures. She is nervous about this exposure to serpents and elements, but feels sure she will survive in the wild for a short time. That is all for now.

79 comments:

Jason McMaster said...

Hello Marcy. Would you like to go out for a frappuccino with me later today? You sound cutie.

Lady Jane Sheepshanks said...

My dear Marcy, you sound like a darling girl. I do say, Carousing at bars is not a good idea. I certainly hope your trip proves fruitful.

Cheers!

Maelstrom said...

Jason you are fogbound. Why are you you? Why do you have to ask these horrid questions?

Crux said...

Marcy, you sound like a sexy one...would you like to see my tuber penis?

Girth of Wideness said...

How do you do Ms. Sheepshanks?

Marcy said...

Listen, I am not interested in sex in any way.

Marcy said...

Holograms appear on the inside of my eyes when I close them. I am truly totally not interested in sex in any way. I am verging on the gender neutrality of my goon counterparts. It is a relief not to have to commune in this dirty mixed up way. I have no feelings, it is numbness.

Lady Jane Sheepshanks said...

I am just lovely Mr. Girth--thank you for inquiring. I have had the perfect cup of lapsang souchang tea with some lemon curd on white toast...delectible my dear! Simply delectible!

Crux said...

Sex can be messy, it's true. But I will wear a condom and stuff.

Blue Sock Of Mourning said...

I am coming to smell up your curd with my shoestink.

Marcy said...

NO CRUX. PLEASE GO TO HELL. (I forgot to mention that Marcy can be very nasty).

Lady Jane Sheepshanks said...

Oh my word Crux! Leave the poor girl alone. She is certainly able to do with your...your...bumpy member!

Lady Jane Sheepshanks said...

Dear, do not stoop to his level.

Marcy said...

I am being harrassed by a mutant with vegetable parts.

Crux said...

Well I wasn't asking her to stoop just yet...that would come later.

Marcy said...

I will put him in my terrarium next to the snake log.

L.J. Sheepshanks said...

Oh dreadful Crux! She will stoop to conquer!

Anonymous said...

Crux is perversion incarnate. Please siphon off your energy into a plastic cup and dispose of it in a hazardous waste bin. You are too toxic.

Mr. Dank said...

Crux should come sit with me in MM's bedroom while he is out this day. It is time to sit with a loose robe and show the wares out the window to disturb the neighbors. Come Crux.

Mr. Dank said...

Perhaps Ms. Sheepshanks would like to sit a while with us and feel the breezes in the nether regions.

Girth of Wideness said...

You are foul. I must go.

L.J. Sheepshanks said...

Well I never! Mr. Dank you are most horrid. I shudder just thinking about you.

Crux said...

Well Mr. Dank, I guess I'll take you up on your offer. I've got nothing better to do.

Sweats said...

Neighbor disturbance is one of Mountain Man's greatest fears, so I'm in. Crux, Mr. Dank and I will give 'em the ocular goods, tubers and all.

Marcy said...

Hi Sweats. Are you wearing sweats or do you have the sweats? Perhaps you need a nice scrub down.

jazzer said...

terry cloth sweats
man short shorts
mr. dank go wild

Sweats said...

Hi Marcy,
Both really.
I am attempting to rid myself of things, fats and unnecessary encumberances. I am constantly scrubbing, weeding, tossing, separating and departing. It is a new form of psychic Modernism; I will be left an empty vessel, alone but strangely sated.

sloth said...

MM, Sloth hopes that Marcy will help rid you of that cold, or at least share the burden. Perhaps sweats will also help you to sweat it away.

Sweats said...

Ridding is my specialty.

krixfort said...

hi Marcy. How are doing with that copy of Wuthering Heights PD lent you?

Marcy said...

I have lined my cage with it Krix. Was that wrong?

Marcy said...

There is a crispy feeling about my throat. I believe I have a piece of gook stuck in it, it might be permanent.

ham paw said...

the tuber keeps calling me!!!!!!!! I can't get away. The pendulous points attack!!!

ham paw said...

marcy, would you be willing to suckle the tubers. That might calm them.

Michael J. said...

Marcy, wash it down with some Jesus juice!

Marcy said...

Listen, Ham, you need to tell her to fuck off or something. You are busy lining staples and thinking about Jesus freaks, considering border collie behavior. It is time for her to leave you alone.

Marcy said...

Tell her to scram. Just because I wear glasses doesn't mean I can't be a real meanie.

OTC said...

Marcy, do you need some pamperin'? Or maybe some Pamprin?

Marcy said...

Fuck off. Just because I have the venomous spite doesn't mean I am on the menses. B***shit.

kit said...

The border collie speaketh, "There was once a time when I swam. I was a fish as you are in your dreams. I wish that I could dine in your mess hall."

Marcy said...

This border collie is wise. Is he running? Is his tongue out?

kit said...

The border collie is in time with the music of michael. Each step is in time. He is a frollicker. His tongue is restful and long.

ham paw said...

He is less of a runner, more of a dancer.

kitten #2 said...

I have no shame or pity. I am respectable in my yearnings. I say let him be free.

Marcy said...

Do his legs ever cross each other in the dance? Does he tap each foot paw with a hand paw as he brings each leg up in front of him?

Marcy said...

Hey kitten #2. Meow.

Anonymous said...

I am glad Jacko is free. Now he can play with his pals all the time. He should eat cotton candy and think of unicorns. He should play Yahtzee with his buds. Even sleepovers. Let him. It's ok.

Anonymous said...

I agree to the jacko assessment. I like his SPIRIT!

Marcy said...

Did you want to know that I am hideous? I am.

ham paw said...

What makes you hideous Marcy?

Marcy said...

Giant craters on cheeks, pimply bum, squishy arms, thighs, bum and folds and creases of fat on back. I believe it's called backfat. Also, I shake. Also, I am tenticular. I am crone-like and oversaturated with vitamins and minerals due to my overdependence on balance bars and vitamin water. I am cramped up.

Marcy said...

I am afraid to date. I have no boys or girls in my life. Just my amphibious counterparts. And my mom.

kitten #2 said...

Can you poo?

Anonymous said...

Are you a virgin? Have you been touched interiorly?

Marcy said...

This is awful to admit. I poop ALL THE TIME. It is horrendousness. Oh well.

Marcy said...

I am not a virgin. I used to be quite the young slut. But it's been a while. Like maybe 8 years.

Marcy said...

In 1994 I made it with a Frenchman in his car. It was hot stuff. Hand jobs all over the place. That was the last time. Wow, that is 11 years ago.

frenchman said...

there was two of us. We are in korea now.

Marcy said...

No there was only one. His name was Philippe. Like the Henchman, except not. He was tres comme un pervert.

rob zeller said...

may jesus bless you and your colon. Your colon is female and must be subservient to your anus which is male.

Marcy said...

I cannot believe this. Rob? You are here too? Who else is coming to this horrible class reunion. Rob. Listen to me. You are a pointless person. You need to be clobbered by the anti-Christians. We hate your born-again ways. I am in with this very violent group who hate sucky wus Christians like you. Your days are numbered. But first we will put your shitty paintings in a big pile and watch them burn together. Just you and me. Then the thugs come in and ROUGH YOU UP FOR GOOD.

Marcy said...

Yes, right, right. That is so natural. A truly natural progression.

Marcy said...

Wait. Plaster and paint. That sounds really familiar. Wasn't that how they painted IN THE RENAISSANCE? C*nt.

sean tuvelle said...

Listen Marcy, Are you hot?

Marcy said...

It shouldn't matter to you, Sean, painter of portraits of high school principals, as you look pretty much exactly like the Count from Sesame Street.

But I really would love to do a studio visit with you sometime. You know, I've just come into a lot of money and I am sure I would love to purchase something. Call me.

Marcy said...

Amy. I am sitting on your tangly weird skinny body now. You can say nothing because I have stuffed your mouth with your genre.

Amy M said...

The chalky bits are good for my teeth. Thank you for the flossing

Marcy said...

Amy you are too insolent. I am going to ignore you from now on.

sean Tuvelle said...

Marcy, I am starting a collection of christian art. I would like to put your work in. Are you catholic?

Anonymous said...

I don't know who these people are. Good for you for hating them so much.

jen D said...

Thanks Anonymous. I hate you too.

mountain man said...

My goodness Marcy, you are a naughty girl.

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Anonymous said...

"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he'll basically give you a hard time. He'll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, But, he'll be pretty good in the sack."
"I can put up with that," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, there is one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
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