Friday, May 27, 2005

Here-Sided Oneness

The pontoons are sending out distress signals as they tumult across the foaming crests. I am disobeying their call and not answering their call. They are unmanned pontoons, they are guided by invisible evilbots from above with callous intentions to get me to drown.

Meanwhile, I am building a delightful wood shed in my living room. I have many beautiful planks of lightly stained wood, the grain is mesmerizing, I believe I see little men tumbling along sloping paths. I believe I see one eye after one eye. This shed will be the secret place of trowels, shovels, hoes and the like. It will be the site of various corporeal punishments that I will delight in enacting, alone or with another or two others, depending on how large they are.

I am in like with my shed. One day I hope to be in love.

87 comments:

Shed Punisher said...

Yes, MM. Step into the shed. There is much that you love in here. Darkness, a blanket in case you get nervous, all the drugs and drink you want, and many many tools. Do not be afraid. It is time to give you the gnashes and bashes.

fork said...

Sheds are miraculous places. Hideouts, play areas, secret sensual communes. The structure is rudimentary and evident and allows for all sorts of mental impositions and imaginings.

mountain man said...

I agree. I am in tune with the importance of shed-only diets. I want to impose myself into the four corners and splay out.

Anonymous said...

Containment, yes.

Bubble of Nothing said...

Poignant and mysterious in terms of the darkness. Maybe a little light from a lantern. Just enough to see pale glow and glisten. To prepare for the unguents and the knife points.

sloth said...

MM, you are right to ignore the call of the drone pontoons. They are like mechanistic sirens, calling a doom-song.

Perhaps enacting the punishments will help you to bond with the shed and finally to love the shed and the implements therein.

mountain man said...

Thank you Sloth! Yes!!! I am on my way to loving the shed. I didn't want to rush in to my shed passsion. I wanted to take it slow, as they say in high school.

mountain man said...

Sloth can come visit in the shed if Sloth would like. I will pad it and decorate it with Sloth things. The Shed Punisher does not have to be there if Sloth prefers. I will hang pictures? Of girls peeing?

hoe said...

High school is the perfect time for shed passion.. Your love has a boundary and raw hewn structure. It is nice to sit in a shed and wonder.

Cameron Manheim said...

I am interested in shedding my clothes

Porpoise of Thigh said...

At first when I read that, Hoe, I thought you said shit in a shed. Which would not be such a good idea. But I agree with you. High School romance is the romance of hickeys in the hallway and pretending that you will one day be together, all the while knowing in 6 months it will all be over. Sadly such is less possible as an adult. Is this what leads to the runaway scenario?

Dirk said...

Cameron, are there many mushrooms in your folds?

Scissors said...

Can I be in your shed too? Hanging near the trowel?

mountain man said...

Yes scissors. You may come.

sloth said...

MM, leave the shed exactly as you like it. Sloth will learn moer about the M-squared and the secret pursuits that make for a dark, gooey core.

Cameron said...

Yes, chantarelle, porcini, portobello, oyster, and the poisonous variety down below.

sloth said...

Sheds are good for growing mushrooms, too. Dark and moist.

McFarland said...

Hi guys! Don't worry, I won't stay long. I bought some books yesterday. MIDDLESEX (Dude!) and THE CORRECTIONS. I wanted to read something newer instead of some old stuff. They are big books though.

mountain man said...

The dark gooey core is the core I am after. It sounds like caramel, only darker, more viscous. Goodly many mushrooms can grow but not in my shed for I wish it to be clean to the point of sterility. It must be hospital level clean, to avoid the bacterias that might come into the saucy bashes and cuts. Please do not be afraid of them. They are practically cartoon wounds, the severity is assessed in advance and dole out only in relation to the subjects wants.

Aunt Martha said...

McFarland. I am very impressed with your heavy book buying. However, I would like to know why you are always bothering these older folks. You are too young, too fragile. You are always thrashing about and trying to get attention. I am worried that you will keep injuring yourself both internally and externally.

Nurse wretched said...

Hospital level clean is not something to aspire to.

other said...

McFarland, are you real? Or a very well-concocted character?

McFarland said...

I am trying to learn things. I am not simply doing this for attention. I am just a simple southern boy at heart.

mountain man said...

Oh McFarland. You are so dear.

Hospital level clean may not be the cleanest you are right. I mean very clean.

mountain man said...

McFarland, please open your bum so that I may enter with my morning steak.

sloth said...

Sounds good, MM. Sloth trusts. Will there be dismemberments?

mountain man said...

I want to wax your bum hairs. I want to violate you with rare meats.

mountain man said...

There may be dismemberments but only if the subject clearly states this is his/her/its wants. We will have prosthetics and orthotics on hand to assist with motility, post-procedure.

mountain man said...

I am looking into buying an iontophoresis unit to pass low-level electric currents transdermally to assist in

1. control of body odor
2. production of sweat to gather and test for birth defect

McFarland said...

I am real. Ow! I don't want to be violated with meat. You guys are nuts, man. I am a straight arrow when it comes to sex. Nothing fancy or weird. And this is so weird.

sloth said...

Good, MM. Will Sushi Blameful be there to practice the Japanese art of the slices and dices?

McFarland said...

You dudes are wacked! But that's the point, right?

mountain man said...

I will summon my dearest dear Sushi Blameful and ask her to assist with the incantatory methods of East meets West medicine. There may be sauces on hand to dip the chicken fingers.

nardlet said...

McFarland, you seem too true to be true.

Aunt Martha said...

McFarland, if you are playing in someone else's yard then you must succumb to the rules of their yard. That means opening up to meat rapes and being nuts. Go forth, my young nephew and learn the ways of the meat yard.

McFarland said...

I've been trying to impress lately. So maybe I seem a little nicer than I am.

mountain man said...

I believe McFarland is a friend in disguise. I believe McFarland is adding complexity to this discussion through opposition. It is welcome, if annoying.

McFarland said...

Okay, I guess it's all in the name of fun, dudes. Hit me with a big salami.

mountain man said...

Yes McFarland. I am eager to perpetrate on you. First is the painful waxing. You may need a rum and coke for this.

McFarland said...

I don't know you guys, but I am happy to think I may pass for a friend!

Judith Puke said...

MM you may be right about McFarland. He is peppy and wants to play. Despite his constant rejection. It is cute.

Dawson's Creek said...

McFarland--do you watch the O.C.?

mountain man said...

Even if you are not a friend McFartypants, you are still fun and punishable by the laws of this meat yard.

Peggy Dispenser said...

McFarland were you born in 1986 or 1987? Those were my braces years.

sloth said...

Sometimes pesks can become like pets.

McFarland said...

1986.

I just got my braces off last year.

I do like an occaisional slapping during sex, by the way.

sloth said...

By the way, sloth listened to Spoon and now loves Spoon. Sloth did not mean to recommend old, musty books to McFarland. Sloth blew the disguise with that one - forgot to click "Other."

Anonymous said...

I don't know about disguises.

McFarland said...

No sloth, I appreciate your input. I will read everything. i'm trying too hard I guess.

other said...

McFarland, it is true you are much better than that Finnish freak from a while back.

flinch said...

I believe we ass-assinated him.

PD said...

Hey Mountain Man--I know Larry G. is gone.

McFarland--this is not a dorm...get out, unless you want to experience the rapes.

mountain man said...

The visitor I liked is one called Stk. There is a picture of an alien next to him. He hasn't been back though but I liked his blog. He talked about spiders laying eggs behind his eyes. It was sad and magicful.

PD said...

What about Baptist Rollerblader?

McFarland said...

DUdes! I am off to the park to do some boarding.

Talk to you later. Thanks for the fun.

Push said...

The pontoons are negative purpose and bad. It is good to ignore, please stay ignore.

postmoderndebunker said...

I like pontoons with a little cocktail sauce.

mountain man said...

Oh PD the splinters will get caught in your three teeth adn gums.

Dudes of Druid said...

McFarland is seeping onto the cement. He is diseased and pointless. He is locatable at this time, in fact he is two units, moving towards a shrine of dumb and deafness. They think but know nothing.

PD said...

Zowie! You're right MM, I am all splintered up. I have four teeth--thank you very much.

mountain man said...

PD you are a fun in the sun babe of toytime even with 4 teeth even with no teeth, very appealing, come with me to the fork in the road and eat velour sandwiches. I am too much right now. I have to take a something in the toilet bowl and I can't I just can't get it to come out. Sorry for this nauseating news.

PD said...

How about the salami juice? Doesn't that help?

fabeebles said...

MM! let's grow some schwag in yer shed. you in? Let's do some jackknife and perform some blunt rapelets. Whazzup??!!

Edward_ said...

Sheds always remind me of Cold Comfort Farm and the nastiness that always seems to happen in them in bad Victorian novels...please tell me you have plans like that for your shed MM.

mountain man said...

I want schwag in my shed, but only in designated zones. Jackknife is a good position to get into, I will assume it now, I can channel stomach discomfort and push out the friendly faces in my tush.

mountain man said...

Yes, Edward, sexual nastiness is in my plan. I will alternate role reversals between pain and pleasure, dismemberment and insertion routines.

Edward_ said...

actually, I meant bad Victorian novels, not sexual nastiness...I can see that in any East Village gay bar, I don't need to track off to wilds of your mountain top living room ;=)

Edward_ said...

I'm kidding...of course I meant sexual nastiness...I'd trudge across the tundra for a peek at your long underwear MM.

mountain man said...

I need you to explain more then. I was thinking of surgery and probing into the orifices of despair and delight. Please tell me about the bad Victorians. I was not thinking sex club, per se, but unauthorized surgical procedures and acrobatic fierceness. Specificity is so important in these trying times.

mountain man said...

My long underwear is tattered and torn, like my inner child. I like you Edward. Please visit my shed and enact whatever routines you wish. You may use scissors or not, you may exalt transdermal electric currents or not. You may wear a clown suit or whatever and what not.

fabeebs said...

schwag zone
krunk zone
sexay meats zone
cuttin' zone
implements zone
formica/sterilin' zone
secret pit/trap door

sompum like that?

mountain man said...

YES Fabeebles. I love your list, it is wildly porno-culinatious. You are all over the place, in it and out of it, through the town and underground. I wish I could talk like you, but I am mired in my own anachronistic tongue.

fabeebs said...

acrobatonatamaton jizzy jazz
flippin the switch
electrocize and exercise
bring em out
the pee pee bottles
we got some brewin to do

Fragmented Head said...

The dining comes through cutting and biting into. Fabeebles is wise. MM is green but salad-like, as in the salad days, as in the first days.

Edward_ said...

I like you too MM, but the bambino has placed limits on my surgical escapades these days...highly unprogressive of him, I know, but he has photos of me that, you know, should probably NOT be released to the Post.

mountain man said...

I have a secret stash of peepee bottles, Fabeebles. I didn't know what to use them for until now. Let's mix up that piss.

mountain man said...

I don't know, Edward, maybe Bambino can come too? Are you sure you don't need a visit to the corporeal excavation site?

X's for Eyes said...

Boil in bag rice is suitable spot for pee.

fabeebs said...

you the man, MM! Edward, you in? I'll get us some Turkish grunky krunk - a couple sips and that yellow stuff iz flowin' and a sprayin. yes, mm, we can set up a foil backsplash, a mirrored reflection pool to hypnotize the smmallers.

Sabato said...

I am not sure about the pee pee talk. It is very disgusting. I never pee until I am sleeping.

Edward_ said...

corporeal excavation does always seem to clear my head...hmm...let me consult with the ex-Soviet one.

mountain man said...

Good idea! I want to be hyptonized to in the foil reflection. Infection of the succubus is coming to the shed. It is good rich times.

mountain man said...

Please tell Bambino that I heart him.

Edward_ said...

will do...bambino hearts you too MM...have a great MD weekend

mountain man said...

You too, my gimlets. I must go excavate for a while.

gimlet said...

my head is on fire.

putty said...

I am interested in this new language you are making here. I want to participate but am not sure what to say.