Why?

This is the question I ask of existence for which I hear no answer ever. New hobbies I am considering

1. Candy
2. Born-again Christianity
3. Helter Skelter
4. Taxidermy of Diseased Mutton
5. Firewalking
6. Nail-cutting
7. Staring
8. Pointillism
9. Scrapping of All Hobbies
10. Vaccination of Herky Jerky Types

Just got back from Pittsburgh last night. Parents arrive in NY at 1 something this afternoon. I am in need of recovery.

Troublemakers Part II: The Emergency Easter Portrait

1.18.05

Dear Frances Dancer,

I just witnessed the fascinating and artistic website of yourself and your family. I can't believe that you all paint portraits and you are all related. What skills and what luck are present in the Dancer family. In any event, I am a mother of 5 beautiful children, ranging in age from 2 to 17. I live on the eastern shore of Maryland and am interested in having a group Easter portrait of my children painted soon. I have made matching bunny outfits for all the children. Some of the outfits have real rabbit fur that I hand dye. Like your family, I appreciate craft.

Frances, I love your paintings and the way you describe your process. I like how you see the potential in the little people we call children. Also you look like a nice person. I would be kidding myself if I said that you were not the best of the Dancer clan. You are. Your work is charming and awkward and lacks some of the skill evident in your other family members work. But you are all so interesting. That doesn't mean I don't love it.

Excuse my candor but what would you charge for an emergency group portrait as Easter is coming shortly and I need it for a family reunion and feast? I am so exciting!!

Please get back to me right away. I am happy to send a deposit to get you started. I assume that this project
will be as enticing for you as it is exciting for me!!


Sincerely,

Doris Kelpie


1.18.05

PS -

I hope I am not bothering you, Francer. As this is urgent and of a timely nature, I am hoping to hear from you with a quote soon. Very soon. Sorry. I need this portrait! I am greatly interested in your portraits so I hope it's you that paints my painting.

Cheers,

Doris


1.26.05

Dear Doris,

Thank you for your interest in my work. I apologize that it had taken me this long to return your email. Our website is fairly new and I had problems retrieving my email. I think the best thing for us to do is to talk on the phone and for me to drive out to your house to see where you want the painting to be hung. The size of the painting is going to determine my price. For instance if it were 5 figures life size and full length it would be 5x10,000. However, under life size will reduce the price. The more figures in the painting, the more complicated it is too achieve a good flow in the composition. I could definitely get this done by Easter permitting we agree on price and size soon. If you are interested in getting this done call me on my cell at 410 320 5898. I could possibly come to your house this weekend. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Frances Dancer


2.01.05


Dear Frances,

Thank you for your kind attentions to this formerly pressing matter. However my husband has insisted he does not wish to see a painting of our 5 rambunctious children, he says he sees enough of them in reality, why have to look at them in a picture too. I hereby withdraw my request for the emergency easter portrait. I promise to contact you in the future for this task, should he come to his senses.

Fondly,

Doris

Troublemakers: a Series of Correspondences, Part I

1.17.2005

Dear John Crevelle,

I think it's you but I'm not sure. You are the artist, right? Who paints realistically and used to live in Philadelphia? I have a memory of your paintings but I can't remember them exactly or where I saw them. I know it was Philadelphia. Are you still at it? I hope so. If there is any place to view your art on the internet, will you let me know? I still live in Philadelphia. I am an Art Lover. I made a list of people who's work I liked a long time ago and recently found it again and now I am trying to track you all down due to the fact that I have some disposable income. My grandmother died and left me a great deal of cash. This is an exciting time for me, I can only hope it is exciting for you too. It's great to get older and have success and support the things you believe in. Consider this a magical gift from the great beyond. I never had kids and am now realizing it
is because I need to support the arts. My husband agrees with me on that note. (haha)

Are you teaching? I used to teach business at La Salle University. I don't teach now. I couldn't take the stress.

I hope to see your work again soon. I like realistic style painting the best. I never met you I don't think. Unless you are the one with brown hair. Are you? Please
clarify.

Yours truly,

Doris Kelpie



1.17.2005

Dear Doris,

Well, you got me. I'm the realistic painter. I still paint and teach. I'm not sure how we knew each other though. I went to the Pennsylvania Acadamy of the Fine Arts, maybe that had something to do with it.

Glad to hear your doing well. I do miss Philadelphia, I'm in NYC now.

John



1.18.2005

Dear John,

How wonderful to hear from you right away like that!!! Now i remember that I met you at an academy event. Years have passed since that time. Are you still attractive? People tell me that I am attractive. No grey hairs yet. Thank goodness, right? Please say we can do a studio visit. As I mentioned earlier, I want to purchase art.

Thank you for your eagerness.

Best,

Doris



1.18.2005

Doris,

I still can't place you. Perhaps if you email me a picture of yourself
it will jog my memory.

John



2.2.2005

Doris,

I haven't heard from you in awhile. Are you still out there?

John


3.28.05

Dear John,

HI AFTER SO LONG!!!!!! I am so sorry I have not been in touch with you. You won't believe what happened. However it's a long story and I don't want to bore you. Needless to say, I have been thinking of you during this absurd trial. How are your students? How do you do?

I do good. I broke it off with my husband for real. He is a pilot and our schedules didn't jive. I am very open it seems. I really want to be open to you, but I am shy. I'm afraid to send my picture. My friend took it after a few whiskeys and it's a tad dirty. I find it hard to stay off the sauce!! :) But listen I want to commune with you. Have you ever heard of the hop scotch contortion? If not I will teach you. Won't it be funny for you to be the student!!

Love,

Doris


3.28.05

Doris,

It sounds like your going through a difficult a time in your life. I'm
terribly sorry to hear that. I must tell you that I have a girlfriend
who I am very much in love with. We've been together for several years,
living together, and some day I hope she'll make that oh so very precarious
commitment. When you wrote me I thought you were interested in
discussing art. Perhaps you should take some time to heal.

John


12.18.2005

Hi John,

I am wondering if you were ever able to get married. I hope so. You sounded great for each other. How is it at school? The teaching and such. I have been making a
point to see as many art shows as I can. I am waiting for your email alerting me to your next solo show. When will that be?

I hope you are painting and teaching well. Neither endeavor is easy, as you know. Good luck and best to you always.

Kudos,


Doris


12.21.2005


Doris,

I've got to tell you I can't place you from Phila. Unless you can send me a
picture of yourself so I can figure out who I'm emailing, I'm going to have
to ask you to stop emailing me. Sorry.

John

Tristram Hillier

Pylons, 1933

Hi

Enter the Hole

And come out a fresh brand new idealistic moral happy snappy no liquid no gases just solids good idea type of person. Enter the anus of the universe and come out new, I am promising you. You will travel beyond the horrors of the day and night. Consider it like a cult that you can join. Please join me in attempting to cut off the bunions of reality and improve yourself into better versions. You can say you're sorry for your mistakes but that won't change them. You look in the mirror and you're still you. The newness comes from magic. The magic of the anus in the sky. Come there now with me. There is a pack and matching saber available to assist you in your journey.

Quote of the Day

You wake up, and you feel molested. In fact: the hideous thing. You open your chest of drawers: a further molestation. Washing and dressing are molestations. Having to get dressed! Having to eat breakfast! When you go out on the street, you are subject to the gravest possible molestations. You are unable to shield yourself. You lay about yourself, but it’s no use. The blows you dole out are returned a hundredfold. What are streets, anyway? Wendings of molestation, up and down. Squares? Bundled together molestations.

– Thomas Bernhard, from Frost

This guy cracks me up.

Otto Dix

Today as I was walking from the bedroom to the bathroom I wished someone would make caverns and holes in my face and swell it, pinken it like in an Otto Dix painting. If I had my way I'd be the guy on the left. I know it's wrong. I just want to see what it would be like to have a hose coming out of the hole where my ear once was. Head shaved, stubble growing in patches like an unwatered lawn. Red and toothy, all puffy-like. I'd play cards with my foot too. I'd yuck it up in the dark with booze. It is like a vacuum sucking at your face and head in order to reveal your true character.

Anyway. Glitter and Doom: German Portraits from the 1920's at the Met, up until February 19 is an amazing show. Just saying.