Tuesday, July 04, 2006

An ABZ of Love

This is the title of a Danish dictionary of sexuality from 1962. Random terminology is “defined” and “explained.” If you are in a relationship this book is sure to be of assistance. For example, here are some helpful excerpts:

Approach: There are many forms of sexual approach. (See also Petting). Here we are thinking especially of the husband who casually strokes his wife’s cheek, breast, backside or even more intimate parts and she hisses “Leave me alone!” and other, even more discouraging things….women require a slightly more methodical, regular and tangible kind of erotic stimulation in order to let themselves be carried away – a woman is a little more sluggish.

Bag, Scrotal: The scrotum. (See Genital Organs, Male).

Bed: The most important item of furniture in a home. Not many people realize this….A bed is to a very high degree a lovely thing too. The same thing applies to beds as to sexual relationships, namely that the human mind has created some pretty ingenious things. And there is no reason why we should believe that the authorized forms are the best – whether as far as beds or sexual relationships are concerned. Many beds are very badly constructed. Many people should experiment a little more with their beds as well as their sex lives.

Breast, Mammary Glands: Women, as we all know, have breasts, and these contain mammary glands. The breasts terminate in points called nipples. A ‘normal’ breast is rather difficult to define – but let us put it this way: when a woman stands up, the fully-developed breast is not shaped like half a lemon.

Defeat: Fiascos and defeats occur in all people’s lives. But there is a special kind of defeat that is connected with sex life, namely the defeat that many women feel when they are sexually satisfied, i.e. when they have an orgasm. Many women refuse to give their husbands the triumph.

Exhibitionism: Many grown-ups receive a bad fright if they meet an exhibitionist. The sight of one may look a little frightening, but to the best of our knowledge there has never been any instance of an exhibitionist who also attacked the person or persons to whom he bared himself. So apart from the visual shock he is a fairly harmless fellow. (See also Understanding and Peeping Tom).

Fetish: Something or other said to be imbued with mystical powers.


Well I hope you have learned something, I know I have.

54 comments:

Engorged Nudist said...

I could use some understanding.

The Capt'n said...

MM, I'm just sitting here laughing, and I don't know what to say. Thank you for this.

USB said...

Dear MM:
Thanks you for the laugh of the day... needed it..

dubz said...

i am disappointed to learn that i don't have real mammories. thanks a whole lot, mm.

MM said...

Hi Capt'n & USB. I am glad you laughed, that makes me feel sugary and good in the squeamer. USB, I was thinking of you these last few days during the family visit, hoping you & US can come to the woods sometime.

Dubz. You darling lass. You DO have real teats and you know it. You have the look of love.

Sweat Bath Rapist said...

Why am I so retarded? Is my question. Why can I never get it right? I guess I am referring to rape.

Frogs said...

If someone could explain to me why it is a failure I will listen. If no one can explain it and the honking continues ad infinitem then I have no choice but to continue in the same vein. There is a crinkling sound in the background. My sweatshirt is fraying along the bottom edge. The glitter is unhinging, all of my excitement is smeared along the side of the road, it is gone. However I do love some things.

Goon Outside Time said...

The failure has occured along the transdermal access passage. There was no warning. There will be no fines this time.

Naked Under the Bridge said...

Apparently there are more pointless utterances dripping like sweat beads out of an ass crack. Listen and you will hear truisms for the future perfect.

Corny said...

I love the way you defeat me... it's a special kind of defeat only a slug like me in my authorized bed form can appreciate.

wows

Corny said...

Ok class trip to Denmark!

dianne_lone said...

that was good.. Maybe that is why I love Adam so much. We havent been together long because we only met through webdate.com and he works in hawaii so we have a long distance relationship. He came to town a few months ago and it was the most romantic thing that ever happened to me. He touched me in the right places and kissed me in the right time. Love has been my ulitmate goal to find in life. And through your blog, you have inspired me more to make it grow with Adam.

Corny said...

Dianne, a red flag is creeping up my inner flagpole, You don't sound sluggish. Are you really a woman?

Vapes said...

I made it grow with Adam too, so to speak. Hope you don't mind.

pd said...

Dubz, you may have some of my mamms. But you'll have to take some back fat too, okay?

MM said...

Dianne, what is it like to be you? Corny is right you do not sound sluggish at all. Me thinks there may be a stick on you someplace, if not in the usual area then perhaps on your back. It's not unheard of.

MM said...

I am buying a glider and we'll all hop in and fly to Denmark. They have looser codes possibly. I want to learn about Petting. Maybe I will have to do a Part 2 post of the ABZ. There is so much more to share like the Apache Dance and Governesses, not to mention Mental Bisexuals.

sloth said...

mm, I believe the author of this tome to be a Peeping Tom and an exhibitionist, a harmless fellow really. I think this is how he gets his information, peeping through windows at ladies' half-lemons and whatnot.

MM said...

I need to share a story about my family's visit. THe night before last Uncle Fritz and my brother Bobo set off fireworks in the field. They were completely drunk and almost burned themselves several times and then we got my dad high. I was concerned.

MM said...

Oh my God Sloth he is a total pervert but still trying to be open-minded, this ABZ author. Here is a quote from the breast section, after talking about how brassieres have ruined normal expectations of what breasts should look like:

It is not my intention to run down brassieres. I too wish to retain some of my illusions, and there are women I certainly would not care to see without a brassiere. But I am against unnecessary brassieres. (See also Film)

Corny said...

I think the key to the authors twisted personallity is in the passage on "defeat" and orgasms. "Many women refuse to give their husbands the triumph". He's obviously inadequate and blaming his wife.

Corny said...

PS. It is my intention to run down brassieres, does that make me a criminal?

MM said...

Under "Soap and Water Passion"

There are also women who give themselves vaginal douches several times a day. This provides them with an opportunity of handling their genital organs in an entirely permissible manner at which even the most pronounced moralist cannot take offense.

MM said...

Corny it is not a punishable offense to be against the brassiere unless you are wanting the punishments in which case I would be more than happy to adminster them.

Corny said...

lol, you are truly killing me over here.

Corny said...

I can't "handle" it

MM said...

I have to add just one more. I seriously can open this book anywhere and zing to my day:

Suck, suck-marks:

Suck-marks are the blue or reddish marks that appear beneath the skin after a sucking kiss or bite.

These tongue kisses are perfectly common. There is nothing extraordinary in choosing to kiss one another all over the body, nor in the fact that one may bite or scratch a little in the process - this is no reason to be afraid of having sunk to perverse behavior or anything abnormal in sexual relations. (See also Anilinctio)

MM said...

Shoes:

Just ordinary shoes, the kind we wear on our feet.

Corny said...

There is maybe a problem with the translation of this book? We need to find the author yank him out of his authorized bed form and get him on a flight to Camp RunAmok STAT

ringworm pretty said...

i think i have suck suck marks on my bag.

Corny said...

more please.

ringworm pretty said...

i went shopping , came back and there was the suck-suck on my bag. How do you clean that?

MM said...

Sexual Urges: See Sexual Need

Sexual Need: We give sexual urges a place in the corner, in the doghouse, and suppress them with difficulty. In by far the majority ofhuman beings sexual urges are so strong we cannot permit ourselves to neglect their existence. Freud dragged sex out of its place of disgrace in the corner and presented it to our unwilling eyes.

And he had to shout very loudly, because no one wanted to look.

We are of course saddled with our taboo on sexual urges and must therefore try and make the best of things the way they are. But we none the less have the right to criticize and attempt to revise the worst consequences of the present lop-sided state of affairs whereby such a lovely thing has become the black sheep of the need-family.

Sorrowful Midget said...

Ringworm pretty can't you try douching your bag.

Corny said...

I'd like to sucksuck/raperape that black sheep.

MM said...

I want to touch my genitals without worry of offense.

Border Patrol said...

Don't touch those smarmy tuna taco bits MM. Don't do it.

Corny said...

Is the doghouse is what they call a Tuna taco in denmark?

suck suck mark said...

I am dying.

corny's eyes said...

I'm willing, lets party like it's 1999

MM said...

The doghouse is the black sheep of the rape family a.k.a. the tuna taco of the defeated woman.

Corny said...

Do slugs feast on the defeated woman?
Is the Doghouse an appropriate place to saddle the black sheep? I feel lop-sided.

CornsDoghouse said...

please do not neglect my existence

fine finnish carpentry inc. said...

I specialize in leaky and unauthorized doghouses. Please feel free to make an appointment. Power tools will be employed if needed.

Stan Liebowitz said...

Did you know that defeated women are mostly unhappy and not easy going. Mostly they are prostitutes with a low share of erotic pleasure. The dumber ones get picked up by the police. The ones who avoid capture are never given intelligence tests.

hammy said...

MM. Is it real? Do they define poo sexuality? who made it up?

MM said...

Hams I haven't found the poo tract yet. A man named Sten Hegeler wrote it with his wife Inge. They are trying to help.

sloth said...

mm, inquiring sloths must know, WHERE did you find this book? Did you check it out of the library? Is this the kind of thing they read out in the back woods of PA?

Anonymous said...

MM this is the best.

The Capt'n said...

I LOVE bad translations and ESL freestyling. I especially love bad translations of crazypants concepts.

MM said...

Slothers I bought this book when I first moved to NY if you can believe it - at a sidewalk book sale in the E. Village in 1997.

Capt'n. I could not agree more with you. I have loved bad translations and faulty English for years. In fact I think it has totally informed my writing style, if you can say I have a style which I may not. Anyway. I love you. Just another reason to think you are the focal point angel savior excitement factor of the internet. To me anyway. I would like to be more like you. I am not kidding.

MM said...

PS, the frogs are croaking and the crickets are starting to chirp. I tried to stave of feelings of uselessness and constant background mental illness with gardening, running, painting, cooking and freestyle dancing (practicing for camp run amok). Needless to say I feel lucky to be here but guess what mental illness follows you, it just does. For me the only solution is painting and writing and if I suck at both well I guess that's some kind of small tragedy. This is my fear. That the things I love most mean nothing. But I can't help it, I really want to keep doing it so I am beseeching a god or goddess I dont' believe in to let me keep going. That's all. Nighty night.

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