Thursday, June 02, 2005

Back to Bash and Coma

In the tournament of Pug vs. Hurricane, Hurricane has overwhelmed Pug with a disregard for the concrete humanity of others as well as the torrential downpours and tumultuous pressures that Hurricane applies to all in her path. Ham Paw is in the eye of the storm, but will re-emerge, as always, reinforced. Hurricane is an unnecessary phenomena, to be whirling in her vortex is to be without bearing, to be listening to foul utterances meant to ruin your house. It will not happen this time or any other.

Meanwhile, my donkey pooped all over the bathroom in the night. I was thankful that he did it there, as opposed to the rug, as it makes for easier clean-up. There were marbles in his poops, which irked me, as I have recently purchased the most lovely of marble sets to play in my insomniac hours. I have not been insomniac in two successful weeks. Sloth, I heretofore am hoping that last night your night was stare-free and you slept sweetly in your log.

The day is rinsed in fog again.

110 comments:

ham paw said...

I am sorry to hear about your donkey MM. Is she going to be okay? Is her tract recovered? Thank you for your care in the hurricane!!! I am sick from it.

ham paw said...

the vortex is dangerous even when silent.

mountain man said...

Yes my lovely donkey is ok. I would like to mention that the donkey that pooped is my newer donkey, Danzig, who is male. My other donkey, Krakow, the lovely beauty who can speak Spanish as well as English, is a female. She would never eat my marbles this way. I hope to get Danzig with the program as they say. I am hoping he will pick up German through books on tape while I am at work.

I am fully aware of the vortex, HP, and know its dangers. Please practice your stretches and you will see the hurricane residue drip off you like sweat.

ham paw said...

I will try the stretches. I have just run around the block many times and followed leash free dogs around a park and yet my mind was not cleansed. There was only counting to 100 then worry, then more counting. Perhaps some "body work" could be the answer for me as well as the hurricane. A massage could assuage my disorder? No, the stretches are prefered.

Danzig may need a massage as well around the groin. Donkey's must be stretched manually

sloth said...

A strange coincidence, MM. Sloth dreamt last night of marbles. They were rolling of their own accord around the floor of Log. Mostly, Sloth slept soundly, though, and thanks the MM for the sleeps.

Sloth will send Wandee post-haste to take care of the donkey poop. She has a special oscillating sweeper for such a task.

sloth said...

Ham Paw, you might ask PD to show you some Pirate moves. The Downward Marauder is particularly effective on hurricanes.

Sushi Blameful said...

Many bad luck insolent Ass. There no sun ingest marbles. Danzig is blamed.

sylphic Hatch said...

Sushi your blame flows over Danzig and onto me, however, it is not unpleasant.

fairy butler said...

donkey marbles, black mushrooms, anal croutons, these items are all most troubling. I hope Danzig is feeling better and will learn from his mistake, listening to the German.

Sloth, I believe you may have fortune telling powers. We must listen to your log dreams. most powerful. I slept like a log, not in one, but that is ok too.

krixfort said...

yes sloth, I fell into a coma like sleep last night as well. Was there a spell cast perchance?

gwendoline said...

I have checked near Dark Pond and know of no spells been cast. This may be more nefarious than first thought. Chemical perchance?

postmoderndebunker said...

Ham, I think the Downward Marauder would be helpful, however, the Peg Position #43 might be in order. Otherwise, I would NOT suggest the Plank-Walk.

Champ said...

I fucking hate Mountain Man. He is a wimpy little pussy man. Whiney cry baby of a man. You can barely call him a man. Push him off a cliff.

McFarland said...

Hey, I thought the same yesterday....but have grown to like his softer side.

krixfort said...

back off champ before I deliver a kick to the nads.

nardlet said...

Hey Champ, I thought you were dead. Didn't you get killed in that boxing match? Ricky broke my heart.

sloth said...

PD, you are the Repository of Pirate Knowledge, which is so important in these desperate times.

mountain man said...

Champ you have helped me to see the truth of pussy. Thank you.

sloth said...

McFarland, are you the real McFarland, or a McFake? Where is your linkness?

Sylphic Hatch said...

I am half off the cliff in a dangerous position that I am not sure is prescribed. I don't have the name for it but I am on one leg, with the other twisted around it, turned sideways and up, with one arm to the sky and one arm to the faraway valley below. It feels interesting, although I am a little afraid of the heights.

mountain man said...

My softer side is along the left side of my flank. It is where most of the fur resides.

mountain man said...

Sloth you are lovely this afternoon. And PD, I see you in my mind's eye replete in the splendor of patch n' peg.

sloth said...

Mountain Man, you are expansive this day. Sloth smiles a snaggle-smile. Are you taking potions?

krixfort said...

hi sloth. Do you have tinctures at your disposal? I think I need one for my cold heart.

sloth said...

Hi Krix. Sloth will send Wandee with some unguents and poultices. She'll fix you up.

sloth said...

Sylphic Hatch, is this a yoga move? How did you get into this position?

Syphilitic Snatch said...

I need ointment.

mountain man said...

Thank you Sloth. I am attempting the calming ordering today. The hair-as-cape dialectic. Krix, I can try warm your heart with jelly doughnuts by the desert mirage, maybe? I will speak Schoonmaker, the language of fortification and essential minerals. The coldness of heart is common in the cube world. It cannot be helped, I think, an unwanted side effect.

Sylphic Hatch said...

Oh Syphilitic Snatch that is quite funny. I will disassemble myself from this strange contortion and pick up some anti-fungal mortuary cream at the diagnostician who lives down the road from me. I hope you do not go blind from your terrible illness.

sloth said...

MM, your hair-cape sounds amazing. Does it have other powers besides flight? Tell Sloth of the hair powers.

krixfort said...

MM, thanks for reminding me of the desert. I had forgotten but now I think my heart is thawing a little just thinking about it. You made my day.

and yes, tell us more about the hair cape. I may need to grow one also. It will ease my need for public transportation.

postmoderndebunker said...

You guys are too kind. But I do, ahem , know the Pirates world. It is a tough business--the body business--but I am an old pro.

Sloth--you deserve some free consultations for your kindness and intellect.

mountain man said...

I am just getting to know my hair capacities. My hair serves as a cloak style cape when I am chilly. Then when I am ready for flight, it parts into two and each hairside raises above my ears and begins to flap like bird wings. It is truly miraculous. Once I am airborn, It reassembles into one hair unit and becomes more of a sail behind me.

Anonymous said...

angry with the ingrates. beat them with bats.

Champ said...

I box you in the kidneys Mountain Puss. You can no hidey. Step in the ring...

mountain man said...

OK Champ, this is it. I am in the ring with my bashers on, waiting for you. "Chump" is more like it, for you are nowhere to be found. I punch you in the kidney before you punch me. My hands are much more nimble. You have aggress but no nimble. You dwindle now Chump.

Bash said...

Chump is hiding.

Gish said...

I am here as back up, MM. If you need a hairy scary man I am here to box and bash.

Sylphic Hatch said...

I am balanced on the ringsides, MM, invisibly, waiting for this Chump to make his move. I look all around, I see him nowhere.

mountain man said...

I believe Chump is crying by himself, cowering, mumbling to himself. He will be homeless in a matter of days.

Chump said...

You win. I am too small and pus-ridden to win.

fairy butler said...

champ/chump go back into the sewer.

krixfort said...

where's the chimp?

postmoderndebunker said...

Chump / Champ, are you a whitehead in disguise?

sloth said...

Apply the Oxy!

postmoderndebunker said...

Yes sloth--good idea. Otherwise...the deli slicer...

sloth said...

Ooh! Sloth likes. Set the slicer to "extra thin."

mountain man said...

Thinly sliced Chump on toast. Yum.

sloth said...

Where is Ham Paw today? Speaking of meats.

postmoderndebunker said...

It is set to proscuito mode.

Champ said...

Float like a butterfly
Sting like a Bee
I see Mounatin Man
cryin' in a tree

ham paw said...

RED ALERT and unfortunately off topic!!!!!

I unfortunately shared images of my relics at work. There is snearing and talk like...

" so you can sell that? Somebody would want that in their house?"
"So if I make a bunch of marks on a paper I could make some money too?"
"you are so negative."

postmoderndebunker said...

Ham, are there more chumps at work? I thought we took care of them the other day. I have the jelly to prove it.
What do those goons know about relics? If they can't trade 'em, they don't know what to do with 'em.

Must we have a jam-attack?

Anonymous said...

but you are negative, i thought. and why do you care anyway if they are all chumps and sirs?

fairy butler said...

Champ, you must be shaved and gagged like Sammy Hagar.

HP. I can't believe the chumper beigers could say those things!? Were they raised in an alternate universe where that is acceptable? I am sorry. They are stupid chumps who know nothing but greed and idiocy.

krixfort said...

gar! let me at the chumper beigers. I'll filet them with my flail.

ergh. bush-voters mumble mumble grumble.

swashbuckler said...

gnar! Avast trading matey sirs! I've come to take away yer hoardes of duckets and dubloons. I am the market pirate and I've come to crash yer portfolio! ARGH!

mountain man said...

Ham, they are just ignorant buffoons. Pierce them to their jelly centers and release the noxiousness. Then run run run away.

Champ said...

I slap you with Toast, Mountain Bland
And I spit jelly in your eye, Spam Paw

parrot trader said...

SQUAWK! Polly wants a new IPO! SQuawK!

mountain man said...

Chump, I smell your familiar smell. I know who you are. You really must bathe more often.

swashbuckler said...

Gnar! Champ, yer next! Prepare to feel the sting of me trusty pirate sword!

ham paw said...

Sorry... normally that wouldn't bother me but I am all soft inside today. The emminent hurricane. your kindness and swashbuckling is strengthening. I will smash portfolios now. thank you. I am calmed.

ham paw said...

there is oozing jelly on my keyboard. The chumps and sirs are begging for mercy.... NEVER I SAY!!!!!!!!!

postmoderndebunker said...

Ham--you have every right to be miffed. You shared some insider information and they just don't get it. So let's perpetrate the rapes on them with chicken fingers and salami.

ham paw said...

spoiled salomi and over ripe chicken fingers will do the trick. There will be nose, anus and oral penetration. YES!!! I love it!!

krixfort said...

hammy pawlet has
a vision for all of us.
A seer among sirs.

krixfort said...

chimp champ chumpy. Why you gotta diss the M-Man?

McFarland said...

Dudes! Things are getting wild, huh? I want in.

mountain man said...

McFarland, I want into your lovely pert 19 year old bunghole. I am in lust for you. I have a fistful of ritz crackers I am willing to trade for the right of entry into you. PLEASE SAY YOU WILL.

Champ said...

Okay I'll take Mcdoofball and together we'll kick Team Mountain Slaw outta the ballpark.

McFarland said...

No Champ! I am on MM's side, even tho. he is perverted, sort of.

mountain man said...

Champ, I actually wouldn't mind seeing you nude with McFarland. Your foul smell is a deterrent however. Please spritz yourself with mountain dew and I will see if I can tolerate your presence at my shed-party with my young mate.

mountain man said...

(McFarland, do not fear. The perversions are swell.)

Champ said...

Fountain Jam, I put a lock on yer sugar shack and light you on fire. I know just how to heat you up. Slow roastin'....

McFarland said...

Shite! This is intense. I am ready for the Champ. I do not want to be nude though.

champ said...

McTwerpland, I only chose you 'cause I knew no one would; now you got no friends again. Don't you know Mountain Man wants to log jam yer flume?

mountain man said...

McF will you wear a nude suit maybe???

mountain man said...

Champ, you funny. You sound like you are in 4th grade, choosing teams. I have a feeling you were always on the losing one. Did you receive wedgies in the locker room? Am I hitting a nerve here?

champ said...

Here pussy puss puss
Heeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrre Mountain Puss
I gots a bowl of stale milk for you and your lap dog Krixie...

mountain man said...

Champ, do you have a very very hairy bumlet?

mountain man said...

You are right about Krix. She lives under my bed. I feed her snausages morning noon and night. Here, Krixie. Nice one, Champ. You sure know how to call them like you see them.

mountain man said...

Champ, I need a date to the prom and was wondering if you would go with me. (McFarland do not get jealous. This is just a scare tactic.)

champ said...

Wow Mountain Man that really hurt. Why did you have to go there. I was in orchestra and had a big nose and everyone teased me constantly. Oh and Mommy didn't care. No she just laughed and told me to toughen up.

That's why, Now I'm the Champ. #1 Ass kickin', Mountain stompin', Pussy whoopin' Champ.

mountain man said...

Oh Champ, that is too sad. I know how cruel children can be. And an unrepentent mommy, well that is just too much. What instrument did you play, Champ, the harp? You sound like you need an intervention.

champ said...

Actually I would love to go to the Prom with you. How nice. No one has ever asked me and I never really had the nerve in highschool to ask anyone out. Thanks Mountain Man, this way I can kick yer ass in front of the whole school, Old School like.

mountain man said...

I am getting everyone together in my van to come over and save you from your miserable self. Stay right where you are. We will teach you how to love yourself again. Poor little sniveling Champ.

mountain man said...

Champ comes back hitting full swing every time! Like a little dolly, hit him and he comes right back for more!!! GO CHAMP!!! GO!!!!!!!!!

mountain man said...

You still need to spritz yourself, even if you are going to beat me up. I don't want to smell your homeless vapors.

ham paw said...

What if we put champ in a headlock and sucked the marrow out of him? I have special technological unmentionables which will resemble his output in terms of bone density and chumpdom.

champ said...

Fuck the intervention; let's rumble nude. I wanna tussle with you Mountain Puss. You can wear your razor wire chastity belt if your scared of the rapes. I just wanna slap you around a bit. Push you over and stuff...

mountain man said...

Oh I get it, you are just a pervert. Ok. I have someone special you might like. Her name is Beth. She likes the slappy slappy.

mountain man said...

HP are the unmentionables in the shape of a genital clamp/xerox machine? Is this what you mean?

ham paw said...

there is a certain room in this office fit for champ. It is detention room for client meetings. Champ is a lousy client of the MM firm of fun.

champ said...

Hey Spam Slaw cool your jets. You are just starting out here. What do you think you are a Slayer? Your jist a little weeney...

ham paw said...

xerox the genetals with hot poker. It is a magnetic/ functionability warp of intention. Since champ is a sicky, he may enjoy the torture which is difficult.

ham paw said...

loser champ. do I know you?

champ said...

Forgive me Mountain Man,
Let us go to teh next level. With all the chump/sir/puss talk my testosterone went through the roof. I haven't been laid in almost nine hours now.
so
How about deciduous backflips or neurological frosting or Nathaniel Hawthorne, now he was a thinker wasn't he.

mountain man said...

I smell Champ. Champ has infiltrated for the purpose of spoiling and making the paranoia come in. I know who you are Champ. I have your smelly little teeny tiny short shrimpy number.

timmy said...

champ. you are jelly fouler. You must be stopped.

champ said...

Weaky little Puss Puss. No mind flips? What Paranoia?

champ said...

Do you have a hard time choosing sides Mountain Can't?

mountain man said...

You are a pest. Go away.

champ said...

Round 1.

Anonymous said...

go away.

mountain man said...

Champ you are a sad specimen. Please improve yourself and come back as someone more exciting.

champ said...

I was trying until you brought up High School again. Let's talk logging.
Or natural fertilizers, shall we?

mountain man said...

That was a rough one. I barely made it out alive.

mountain man said...

It is so tiring, to succumb to the foul pains of the gullet. I am not excited to assist without replenishment. I am tired of structural undergirding without obvious return of support. I want to get away.

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