Monday, May 30, 2005

The Longhouse

I need to tell you about a house. It is not a house of charms, not a house of comfort, it is a house I visited last night in the night. It is long and narrow in its formation - everything is on one level. The yard is hemmed in by a twisted metal gate and th neighbors' land tenses up against it. You might see the corpulent craterous next door matriarch riding her John Deere, without feck or hap, around their lawn. She smiles big, all two-toothed and gummy, and lays a claim of ownership on all she sees so don't get in her sights or you will be manipulated into behaviors that you loathe.

Inside the longhouse are many many guest bedrooms. Much much in the way of cracking antiques fill the rooms, ugly, threadbare sheets and flocks of fat ceramic geese, wall to wall carpeting that is rough to the touch.

A food fight breaks out between myself and Ham Paw. We throw fried chicken at each other's heads. A mad fleshy fat man enters the longhouse draped in nothing but a hospital gown. I collar him and lead him around with a leash as Ham Paw spanks him with metal rulers.

Later Ham and I enter the bathroom/sanctuary. In the bathy waters is a fermenting body subject to maggot consumption. The body is a man that was once a small girl, it is still both things at once, and possessed with a spirit of animation. We forensically examine the site and see entrance points in the ceiling where small toxic leak drips penetrated, invading the territory and the man, subjecting him to the ugliest of decomposition-takeover.

We lock the bathroom and name it a sarcophagus. We exit the longhouse without incident and go to town for some more fried chicken which this time we do not throw, we eat with various sauces on the side until morning.

40 comments:

Ignacio said...

I used to know the owners of this house. It always looked as though they did not live there, yet there were tv's in every room. There was often nothing to drink or eat, so I must assume you brought your own chicken. This is a haunted internal house. It is a house to be careful of.

Fat Matriarch said...

I am going to come out soon to ride my John Deere. I will eat you if I see you. YOU ARE THE ENEMY OF MY FAMILY.

Campaign for Silence said...

Doomed from the outside in, the inside out. Sneak in the topiary forms that line the yard. Do not let her see you.

fermenting body said...

Don't be startled if I move. I am animated by the little white wrigglers. They are like tiny stomachs that move with the motion of digestion.

nardlet said...

Beware the longhouse, it is a digestive tract in disguise. You will slowly break down and be absorbed if you linger there.

yung said...

The long house represents the internal workings of the roomy gut, and also the cranial cheshnut. The chicken is norishment for a long depleted work out. The work out is the custom of the body without the cantankerous workings for your sirs. The sirs are generous anally in the sense that this probing is entering the long house. The leaks are extracts from the juice of the raging chicken.

krixfort said...

This longhouse sounds like a place where many internal workings can be discovered.

Anonymous said...

Krix do not be tempted by the longhouse. Retreat from it.

Todd said...

I have an admission which is that I am in love with a 12 year old girl. I am 25 and I know this is wrong but I can't stop my lust. I was hoping this blog, as a repository for freaks, would be accepting of me, unlike the rest of society. I am trying to promise not to take her. What should I do?

Anonymous said...

eww.

helper said...

Todd. That is so disturbing. Let me suggest a therapeutic exercise. When you find yourself lusting after the child, imagine that naked, she looks like a grocery market chicken, ready for the oven. Gross, right?

Chicken Dinner Helper said...

Imagine her with a nice Chianti.

Humberty said...

Todd I hear ya, man. I have a penchant for the young ones as well. Lots of us do. I believe you are good until you break the 20 year age difference barrier, or until you go trying to start them out too young. But 12, heck brother, she can almost drive, and doesn't she need guidance through those troubling formative years?

McFarland said...

Hi Todd! Dude that is so f**** up. You can't do her or anything--she's just too young.

Fat Belly said...

I am ready to therapute Todd with learning from books. Todd. If you choose to read virulent poetry when you want to puss-love the 12 year old, it will be good.

bob said...

McFarland my boy, I am deeply disappointed. If I hadn't met another young man willing to trade drink money for advice, I would be hunting you down right now. Dear son, I have been on a bender at Ned's, waiting for you and worrying, frankly, as to whether you would ever show up again. Sounds like you got some sense knocked into you somewhere though. That Todd character should be incarcerated, or at least get a severe ass whoopin'.

Niddeleker said...

Pragmatic idea-bound practicality comes through in the night and the day. Boils abound, they grow and turn into mice. It is so. Todd is part of the icicle of life, not to be shunned but incorporated. Pederasty is faulty but the love of the nubile is understanable. What comes next is a flowering of poignancy under the umbrella of taste-testing.

McFarland said...

Yeah, Bob--I chickened out. I don't want your man-company. Carla's the chick for me. She is not 12!! Todd--take notes.

Sylphic Hatch said...

Todd is three steps above the Mcfart. Mcfart must reveal all or be incinerated; consigned to flames or at least inflammation.

Humberty said...

You said it Niddeleker,
Let's make a harem of Nubiles and have blindfoded taste-testing.

bob said...

Post that picture boy, or are you making her up?

PD said...

Hey, where's Mountain Man? I fear things have gotten out of hand here.

Todd and McFart need to get lost. They have degraded this blog.

McFarland said...

Uh, Todd is the A-hole here. I am pretty tame in comparison.

Todd said...

I have degraded only myself in admitting my sin. But I love her. Her name is Tracy. I see her every weekday morning through my peephole in the hallway on her way to school. Often I pull my pants down during this time. I can't help it.

Sylphic Hatch said...

Todd, you are succumbing to your base nature. You may have to have your digits removed. Prosthetic hands are far less likely to lure a young girl into harm.

Anonymous said...

Todd you are foul. I am calling the cops.

SVU detective said...

Cut of the hands and the stick! DO IT now!

Octagonal said...

I am in my leaky rowboat, contemplating the other side. I am tired of the selfish ways of one. The selfish expectant complaining ways. The feel sorry for me ways because it is so much harder for me than everyone else. It is not. You are just broken and weak. This is what I believe of you and I expected more all along so the disappointment is deep waters.

Anonymous said...

Todd is headed to the pokey. I am telling. Tracy will be warned by the up-aboves. She had better start running.

PD said...

Wow octagonal..that is rough. Sorry. Is there anything I could do?

Romboid said...

Oh, stop complaining Octagonal! You have it easy.

Octagonal said...

I do have it easy, you are right. I am irritated by the complaints of one who insists on total perspective vortexing as a means for free expression. I can't stand the sounds anymore. I want to cut.

Anonymous said...

I hate you Octagonal. You are a wretch. I think you are talking about yourself.

Anonymous said...

Todd. I was the 12-year-old, but years ago. I'm really not kidding. The father of the Todd character in my life had molested me by 'fondling' for years, and I had sex with the son. the whole experience scarred me for life and I spent years punishing myself. I was bulimic, self-mutilating, self-loathing. I had panic attacks where I thought I would die any minute. I didn't make friends easily, and the whole arena of adult sexuality was tainted, until I went into therapy many years later and got some treatment and medication. Do not do this, unless you want someone else's suffering on your conscience. A 12-year-old is not an adult. Let her be a kid.

Anonymous said...

p.s. pull your pants down behind the door as much as you like. Use implements. whatever. Just DO NOT open the door until she's 18. You could go to jail, dude.

Producer said...

Mountain Man, thank you for supporting my blog and cheering me on. Please also thank Ham Paw,Cynthiabriar and all of your friends who support you and me in our blogs I am very thankful for all of you.

Producer said...

I wanted to thank Cynthiabriar' in a post at her blog, but I only read English and I could not understand the language. I am sorry about that, but please thank everyone for their support.

cyndy said...

Dear MM, I wish to express my regrets for your loss of Beth. I know that she is also AJ's girlfriend. I am sorry to hear that he stole your gal.

mountain man said...

Actually Cyndy, I sold Beth to AJ for a nominal fee. He is using her temporarily until I decide I have need of her again. It is best this way. But thanks for the heads up.

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