Thursday, May 12, 2005

Good Morning Gumdrops of the Universe

I have gnats flying around my ears, but there are two blue-eyed calico kitties sitting on my head that protect me. They swat and stare and make it ok. They pur and it reverberates inside my cavern.

Today the only beverage I will consume is green gatorade. I will see if it makes me feel ill-willed by the end of the day. I am pouring several bottles into a large jug that I will carry with me in a work-related tote bag, so as to not arouse suspicion. (Although I am usually arousing of suspicion, not to mention deep excitement of ladies...ROCK IT!!!)

I am thinking of tuna melts today. Even though I desperately can't stand them. I hate them even more than tuna casserole.

When I was a small boy, I wore jeans with a so called acid wash look. They were pleated at the waist and pegged down near the ankles. My hair was shaggy then as it is now. I had a messy binder, with crumpled papers sticking out, every which way. I couldn't remember to do my homework and I was always in trouble. This is a precursor to fractured ideology and lack of general internal assembly that reigns supreme over my bowels in the present days (the end days).

62 comments:

Loose Bundle said...

I wish I could come with you to work MM and see what it's really like. I could come into your tote and hide.

Brother Stash said...

I am monitoring this situation. MM you may be ready to get into some real trouble soon. You need to be very wary and paranoia is not out of the question for you. Use it wisely.

mountain man said...

Loose Bundle, I cannot afford for you to rough things up for me at work. SCRAM.

Campaign for Silence said...

I wish you would hush yourself for just one minute MM. You are too loud and too full of foolishness.

nigh said...

the end is

mountain man said...

NIGH!!! IT IS I KNOW IT I AM COMING FOR MYSELF TO FIND MYSELF HIDING IN A CAVERN WITHIN MY CAVERN BENEATH THE EARTH!!!!!

When is it coming? What are the signs?

*%#Ecstatic Spelunker#%* said...

Gatorade is a wonderful rehydrator, given that life in the mountains is oft dry and without even the most rudimentary plumbing.

Loaf said...

Please bake me in an underground oven.

mountain man said...

HEY ES why you so ecstatic today? What is getting you going, so to speak?

Anonymous said...

Boil in a pot of your own slime, all of you.

mountain man said...

No anonymous. You are cowering and lacking of muscle tone. I am not interested in your banal malappropriations.

nigh said...

Rope is the first sign, beware of pulleys and such.
Tollbooths and swimmingpools are next.
Last, Polyester.

Doktor Wyrd said...

MM I am worried about you, I think you are suffering from a terrible metal illness. What is this ranting about? What is going on in that giant mess of a head of yours? We may have to take you to the real doctor today, to get you figured out. You are starting to scare me.

mountain man said...

But I love all of those things nigh. i want all of them. Doktor, please do not worry about me. I am in full control of my faculties today. In fact I am bursting with supreme super hero energy. I am manic.

IC said...

I am a man.

nigh said...

As endtimes descend, let us all be calm, knowing our fates were sealed long ago. Brother to Sister, sing your songs of redemption, and pray our purgatory brief.

mountain man said...

IC why am I supposed to care about that? I am a man too, with a giant find inside my trousers.

mountain man said...

Nigh I want more info.

Wrecking Ball said...

Wreck is coming. Crumble is coming. Topple is coming.

mountain man said...

NIGH????Where have you gone to? Have you been consigned to flames? Are your slacks flame retardant?

Sheep Protector said...

The sheep have all disappeared. That is a bad sign.

postmoderndebunker said...

MM, do not say that these are the "end days." That brings a native-american tear to my one good eye. I want you to reign supreme on this planet for years to come--you hear?

mountain man said...

PD I did not know you were native american. Fascinating. I will be around, don't worry, and thank you for the well wishes.

Internal General Assembly said...

We promise to be quiet today.

mountain man said...

Sloth and PD need to form a union. Sloth and PD please introduce yourselves. That is only my hope and not a directive. I am a bossy man, but I am not meaning to be bossy right now.

My hands are extra shaky today. I do not realize why.

sloth said...

Shaking hands are fun, but you can stop them if you want to. Belly-breathe and think about nothing.

postmoderndebunker said...

Sloth, hello. I am doing this 'cause of MM's bossy directive. You scare me a little though. Are you lazy?

sloth said...

or by "shaky" does MM mean to like to shake everyone's hand? this is okay, but wash frequently.

mountain man said...

Thank you. My hands are moving quickly. I do not like to touch others for the reasons of cleanliness that you refer to.

PD you are so insolent! How is your tail? Do not fear Sloth, Sloth is goodness. PD you are goodness disguised as Pirate badness. Did you know about the Pirate Supply store that is now on Graham Ave. in Williamsburg?

sloth said...

sorry to scare. Sloth is truly pre-modern, PD.

postmoderndebunker said...

Yes, I get all my oufits at that store! Arghhhhhhhhh They may make me a partner.

I am okay with Sloth now. I just needed a litlle reassurance.

sloth said...

PD, do you have a peg-leg? Sloth always wanted a peg-leg. It can be hollow to hide things in.

mountain man said...

Yes I believe PD hides her narcotics there. Especially helpful when crossing the border. Beware of jelly-fingered customs inspectors who wish to perform cavity searches.

postmoderndebunker said...

I do have a peg. And as MM has pointed out, a tail.

Wanna meet?

Jelly said...

I would never get on the fingers of a customs inspector, male or female. They are ideologically barren.

mountain man said...

Sloth does your log float?

Loose Stools said...

I am concerned about these inspections.

mountain man said...

Loose Stools are you one and the same as Loose Bundle, who was here earlier?

mountain man said...

I am being stalked by henchmen. They are coming around the corner. They have a large potato sack within which they are sure to stuff me. I may have to aquiesce.

sloth said...

hm, floating Log. Sloth likes this idea, but is not sure it would work.

PD, what are you proposing?

sloth said...

MM, tell the stalkers that you are not feeling well, and show them the shaking hands. Maybe they will be afraid and go away.

mountain man said...

It's too late, I am about to be stuffed. I will reveal all later, if I am to survive. It is brown inside this sack. I think they have lined it with true ether. I am about to conk...

postmoderndebunker said...

Well, just some coffe and chicken fingers? I am not proposing the rapes...so don't ask.

sloth said...

Sloth is very shy, but curious about how to be more complex, like PD. Sloth wishes for complications. They are so interesting. PD can maybe teach?

postmoderndebunker said...

I am interested in teaching you about complexities and complexion.

sloth said...

Sloth is a little worried about the MM. In such a nervous condition, can it be good to be enclosed in a sack? Or is it more like being a bird in a cage, and MM will go to sleep in the darkness?

krixfort said...

MM, I just got here! Are you alright? Are you still in the sack?

flinch said...

this would be the chance for mischief.

krixforty said...

you are right flinch. I am feeling flirty.

flinch said...

let's get some chicken fingers with jelly and have some fun!

PD said...

Hi Krix. I would advise against chicken fingers and jelly.

krixfort said...

why PD? Sounds like fun. I need some action. I went to Mexico and all I brought back was a box of unused condoms.

PD said...

Well, just make sure you don't get the calamari treatment--it ain't satisfying.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that I have been away from the fray for so long. I recently contracted a particularly virulent case of gonorrhea. I know that you've all heard this before but PLEASE WASH OR BOIL YOUR SEX TOYS AFTER EACH USE! Especially the ones that you find under your seat on the subway. Sure, I scrapped the blood and matted hair off of it but apparently it was not enough. One day I'm madly humping an orphaned dildo and the next minute my vagina swells with an accumulation of pus, blood and bile. Sure, the scat crowd loves it but soon the novelty wears off and you're left with one horribly swollen and disfigured hairbox. The fluids were literally oozing down my legs onto the floor and eventually through the floorboards and into the apartment of the unsuspecting tenants beneath me. Luckily, before they could kick up a stink a mysterious fire consumed their apartment while they slept and left nothing to recover but a pair of dentures and a soiled mattress. Their tormented shrieks of pain and despair still reverberate through my little noggin' like a beautiful melody. So back to the clinic for some free meds and me and my vag are as good as new. Ready for some hot monkey love. So, enough about me. How are ya'll been?

Kunty Bush

Anonymous said...

That is so gross. Why? Why?

Anonymous said...

It's a cautionary tale you filthy bitch!

KB

Anonymous said...

I hope MM comes back soon - this place is getting seedy.

mountain man said...

HI!!! I am back but probably too late for all y'all. The demented sack was interesting, I was unconscious for much but woke up and emerged free, refreshed, ecstatic, if you will. I heard that some people were injured while I was gone. I do not think there is a causal connection.

Kunty thanks ever so much for the heads up on used filthy sex toys. I think we will all use more caution in the future after your woeful tale. Here's to you feeling loads better. And here's to my captors for letting me go free without incident!!! THANK YOU CAPTOR-HENCHMEN!!!!

I hope you got into some fun troubs while I was embroiled in the brownness.

Love and Kisses!!!!!!!

MM

private dick said...

Hmmm... hmmm... does Mountain Man sound extra cheerful after his "abduction?" Methinks it was a ruse. I bet he was off somewhere gettin' laid.

mountain man said...

Twas no ruse, my dear dick. I was purely and truly kidnapped by the opposing team. It's ok though. I survived and was rejuvenated by this newfound captivity formation. Do not read between the lines as they say. All you will find are no lines and therefore nothing.

Is your name really Dick? Or are you a poseur?

Dimpleforth said...

My tongue is like mud on the windshield.

wiper said...

Swipe.