Mountain Man went to see his parents this weekend. He has something to admit. His mother does not wear a violet cape down to the ground, as was previously asserted in an earlier MM post. This post was false. She also does not poison his delicious MM stew with spiders, this too was false. Similarly, MM’s father is not a skeleton of an unusually tall man. MM’s dad is very much alive and truth be told, he is quite an upstanding guy. His mother is a dart-about with misfiring synapses. She is excitable and likes the colors yellow and green best. She can spin yarn with her nimble fingers and catch birds with her prickly tongue. MM’s father is winsome and sturdy, he wields twigs with purpose. He builds small dwellings for neighborhood dwarves. All in all, they are a generous couple. Good! Their home is in the hinterlands, surrounded by gnarling trees and mythical animals that threaten to open the doors with their mouths. Generally, my parents have these breaking-and-entering beasts under control. They have a small soundbox that emits a high frequency pitch that cannot be heard by human or semi-human ears. When the pitch comes on, the animals keep their distance. They have an understanding.
When I visit, my parents harvest frogs from the nearby swamp and we bbq them with a delicious sweet and spicy sauce. We drink violent potions and go to bed early. My parents then wake up early to pat the grass with enlarged hands, like one might pat a cat or a friendly dog. But MM sleeps heavily and late, because he needs to rest from his urban doomsday life. In my life, as you know, I have a rancid cubicle-oriented day job that threatens to sap my gonads of juice. The rest of my time is spent either tethering unidentifiable hussies or attempting to menace strangers with unruly attitudes and public derangements. Also I build simple structures from stale bread and glue. Oh and have you heard the good news? Beth and I have finally split. The dithering is done! The jig is up! She could no longer tolerate my lunatic rantings and heinous beatings. Also she felt quite physically threatened by some of the aggressive talk on my blog and let’s be honest, she is just not as creative and exciting as MM and she was jealous of all the attention I was getting. She has moved to Ohio to be closer to her kissing cousin, Geno. I feel nothing in response. I am saving my emotions for less rational events.