Sunday, April 10, 2005

A Weekend by the Swamp

Mountain Man went to see his parents this weekend. He has something to admit. His mother does not wear a violet cape down to the ground, as was previously asserted in an earlier MM post. This post was false. She also does not poison his delicious MM stew with spiders, this too was false. Similarly, MM’s father is not a skeleton of an unusually tall man. MM’s dad is very much alive and truth be told, he is quite an upstanding guy. His mother is a dart-about with misfiring synapses. She is excitable and likes the colors yellow and green best. She can spin yarn with her nimble fingers and catch birds with her prickly tongue. MM’s father is winsome and sturdy, he wields twigs with purpose. He builds small dwellings for neighborhood dwarves. All in all, they are a generous couple. Good! Their home is in the hinterlands, surrounded by gnarling trees and mythical animals that threaten to open the doors with their mouths. Generally, my parents have these breaking-and-entering beasts under control. They have a small soundbox that emits a high frequency pitch that cannot be heard by human or semi-human ears. When the pitch comes on, the animals keep their distance. They have an understanding.

When I visit, my parents harvest frogs from the nearby swamp and we bbq them with a delicious sweet and spicy sauce. We drink violent potions and go to bed early. My parents then wake up early to pat the grass with enlarged hands, like one might pat a cat or a friendly dog. But MM sleeps heavily and late, because he needs to rest from his urban doomsday life. In my life, as you know, I have a rancid cubicle-oriented day job that threatens to sap my gonads of juice. The rest of my time is spent either tethering unidentifiable hussies or attempting to menace strangers with unruly attitudes and public derangements. Also I build simple structures from stale bread and glue. Oh and have you heard the good news? Beth and I have finally split. The dithering is done! The jig is up! She could no longer tolerate my lunatic rantings and heinous beatings. Also she felt quite physically threatened by some of the aggressive talk on my blog and let’s be honest, she is just not as creative and exciting as MM and she was jealous of all the attention I was getting. She has moved to Ohio to be closer to her kissing cousin, Geno. I feel nothing in response. I am saving my emotions for less rational events.

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

That is truly whack.

postmoderndebunker said...

Oh MM, is it true?? Did you eat BBQ this weekend!?

And are you and Beth really through?

postmoderndebunker said...

Do your parents ever get to you? Like in the guts and golgi bodies?

mountain man said...

Yes. Beth has packed up and left. I am looking forward to a little alone-time, if you receive my meaning. Just me and my toast.

mountain man said...

Yes they do get to me. They are my parents and have the capacity to shrivel my organs. But lately they have not done so. They are nice. They put up with my antics. I have to say "thanks."

mountain man said...

Hey, PD, wanna come over and polyurethene my toast with me?

postmoderndebunker said...

well, I get the hint. but remember--I can be the butter on your toast, the whore with the most and a door-mat of the thick and fuzzy variety.

Helen Bicklesworth said...

I thought you wanted to be alone. MM I think you are codependent. Good luck to you!

postmoderndebunker said...

I will be right there...to whiff hte sweet sexy smell of polyurethane with you.

mountain man said...

It's true, I can't really be alone for long. I start to consider suicide.

Morrissey said...

'cause life is hard enough when you belong here.

mountain man said...

Let's get high off the toxins, PD. You should have been there for the frog bbq. It's good for the trick tum and the polluted pipes.

mountain man said...

Yes, Morrissey. Yes.

3 dogs said...

One is the lonliest number.

Helen Bicklesworth said...

I was an abused child. My parents died in a skiing accident. I was glad for I hated them so.

worm said...

Helen that is truly awful. I was buried alive by my parents.

Dr. Phillibuster said...

Frogs dipped in BBQ sauce cause irreversible harm to the golgi.

Taffy said...

My parents used to pour tobasco in my eyes. Ouch.

mountain man said...

I lost my golgi last night while performing a toad contortion. I don't believe I need it. I think I can live without it.

Kitty Carry all said...

my parents put me up for adoption when I was 12. I was adopted by a litter of kittens.

Bleet said...

The regimen of excrement is essential for followup treatments. The followup plan is as follows: blight yourself with ingestion that you cannot handle. Gnaw unswallowable goods, this is especially good with wood, and let them rot between your teeth. Swallow them even if it is not meant to be so. Discomfort is part of the issue.

Anonymous said...

my ma poured hot wax into my eyes.

mountain man said...

Kitty I thought you had died by now. You are smelly.

Chrissy Hynde said...

Oh stop your sobbin'...kid

Sexual Predator said...

Me Pa put me hands in a bucket of battery acid. Now I have the prostheses. It's not so good for a guy who wants what I want from the world.

Dr. Phillibuster said...

Is anyone even aware of the endoplasmic reticulum that leak from the intestines when harm is consumed??

postmoderndebunker said...

I forgot to ask MM, do you want oil based poly. or water based?? Hurry, I can't wait to see your hairy chest.

MM's intestines said...

I am so scrunchy...and I am leaking poison.

mountain man said...

I have to go tend to my toast.

Victim said...

what about your stick SP? that is all that matters.

mountain man said...

And examine my intestines with a hand mirror.

mountain man said...

Beth may be moving back in. She is begging.

PD said...

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I give myself Gevalia enemas.

pinkeye said...

Your parents sound nice.
Would you be freaked out if I hooked up with Beth?
I feel like torturing her a little.

Gothamimage said...

Postmoderndebunker is great name.

mountain man said...

Beth is a tragedy who may not hook up with you. She prefers incest.

mountain man said...

I hate other people, but except on the blog I truly love them. Actually I do not think I am so "all that." Nighty night.

M S said...

Hey! I just wanted to say how much I like your writing whoever you are.

Anonymous said...

You parents sound cute.

pinkeye said...

Beth and I are related.....

mountain man said...

Oh! Pinkeye. No wonder you hate her so much. Are you twins?

Scratch said...

MM I love you so much, you are so cute-ish.

pinkeye said...

you know what I love about cute...
hurting it
Beth is my twin sister bitch, yes
and that is why I hate her so.
Do stay away from her, I am warning you

a girl said...

I really like toast.

krixfort said...

The swamp sounds wonderful MM. except for the breaking and entering hoodlum animals. I would just filet them but you are a kinder and gentler person than I.

Christian Skateboard said...

Wow, this is clever... And I bet you laugh at dancing bears in Romania, thinking they're silly and cute as the chains cut the meat from their faces? Yes, right...

krixfort said...

sure, is that wrong?

pinkeye said...

Are you really from another reality, MM?

chastity said...

Oh my god, Spring is here. It is a new world again. All the fresh air and people on the streets and then the frolicking in the woods. I am going out to my cabin and I am going to dance and sing and run naked through a stream and jump in my pond...but not yet Silly-nillys it is far too cold now. I am happy. Zogg bless you all.

krixfortunate said...

it's a good day today MM. Where are you?

fairy butler said...

Greetings to all! I am trying to be magical and pleasant today. It is not easy even though there are rainbows and special fruits available to me.

MM, what is going on with Bethy? Also I am interested in this sound box device your folks have possession of. Does it keep out defectors from the rat army?