Essay #1

The topic of this essay is "Mountain Men: A Thing of the Past, Present or Future?" You should know that this is the topic of the essay and no other topic is the topic, no matter what may actually be discussed herein and hereinafter, respectively.

My college offered a class on this history of iconoclasm and its various utilitarian applications, a class I would have taken if only I had not contracted mono. I sincerely believe this class would have given me the perspective I so sorely lack on myself and my ideas. Most of all, vanity is what stops us from understanding the perceptions that others apply to yourself, don't you agree? (Please do not answer). It has been said that I have illustrated the concept of vanity in my painstaking unification of unrelated topics, like noczema and "back yards" (as in you have a nice back yard). But don't you find this argument outmoded in light of my decision to wear such loose-fitting slacks? (Again, please do not answer).

Back to the topic at hand. I believe now, after careful research (not to mention the public recitation of poetry that has been scrawled onto the backs of grocery store receipts) that Mountain Men are a thing of the present. They may have existed before, IN THE PAST, but they were only kidding. In addition a) I could not see them "way back when"; b) I had no knowledge of or interest in them; and c) due to my longstanding subscription to the following philosphies: "hear no evil, see no evil" and "if a tree falls in the forest, etc., etc." I do not think they really existed; and finally d) I believe they never existed through gut feelings, although I have received testimony to the contrary.

When I was younger than my brother, we drank cran-apple in the languid afternoon hours and held in our pee just for laughs. Now that I am older and my limbs are not so lithe, I take homeopathic remedies. Meanwhile, my younger brother sits on pillows in the basement, playing Boggle by himself. We are different, he and I, but we share the same beliefs. He is me.

One thing is certain: Mountain Men are not a simple idea. They do not necessarily exist in the mountains, as their name suggests. They have long hair, sometimes they have long beards, as we think they do in our mind's eye. THESE ARE UNIVERSAL IDEAS.

I hope you are not disheartened by my findings. I hope you are able to accept them with grace. They are believable findings, this you should know already.