Monday, August 07, 2006

Post 600

Yes that's right, this makes the 600th post of contentless ramblings from the man of the mountains.

The bees of jealousy are currently swarming through my fetid carcass. I am without my blogger soulmates, missing them desperately. However, the santori times continue in the gatorade green wilds of NE Pennsylvania. County Fair time is coming soon. This year I hope to be able to witness the baby judging contest first hand, not to mention document the prize-winning artworks that will be on display, and the stale melty theme cakes.

In other news, we have found a store called "Quails R Us." This comes in second as my favorite store name after "Arts for Him".

Last week I met an ornery old French man who used to be a fisherman and chef in the Carribbean. He was a motherlode of information on cooking, gardening, hunting, gathering, etc. He has instilled in me a desire to become a true pioneer - I want to learn how to identify mushrooms, make my own yeast for breads, grow every vegetable on earth, fish, can. No hunting though. None of the gun business. (Unless it's a tranquilizer gun that I can use upon myself.) We actually fished out of our pond one evening last week. I have never held a rod before in my life but I got lucky because in the first 5 minutes I caught a fish and somehow got him onto the grass. He was flopping all around, trying to breathe - UF picked him up and showed him to me and I made him throw it back in the water. The labored breathing from this little guy was too much for me. I immediately regretted this decision because neither one of us were able to catch anything after that - we were only able to get two more fish to bite the grody night crawler on the hook (we keep them in the fridge, near the mustard, yum), get the hook into their mouths, dangle them spastically on the rod, but then they escaped. I am now fearful that two angry ghost fish with hooked mouths that will haunt the pond and bite off my limbs.

My gut continues to bulge due to overconsumption of foodstuffs. Painting is somewhat ok. Somewhat. Slow. Whatever. Me trying. We went to Border's bookstore in Scranton the other day. That was our first cultural experience all summer. I am reading MFK Fisher's The Art of Eating. Highly recommend for anyone who likes to cook and eat. PD, it's so for you. ohohoh and one more thing, Lars Von Trier's The Kingdom - UNBELIEVABLE. My brother Bobo gave it to me last Xmas. It is a TV series he did in 1994. Takes place in a haunted hospital in Denmark. Ghosts and seers and an evil Swedish doctor. It is beautiful, creepy and very funny. To me at least.

Ok. Sorry for the long post but it's been a while so.......hi. Bye. I love you.

43 comments:

Chew Toy of a Whore said...

The pond is also haunted by a large toe with shiny red nail polish. I see it behind the bushes when I swim. It gives me the shivers and shakes.

peeds said...

MM, you won't believe me, but I almost bought you that book!!! We used to represent that author (and her estate) here and I immediately loved her once I discovered her at the office. M.F.K.!!! I am savoring her stuff--haven't read all of 'em. I am sad we no longer represent.
I miss you!

MM said...

Hi Peeds! Blogger is fouling me up and down. Every time I try to post it quits the program. Then comment posting is soooooo slow. Anyway, that is wild that you used to represent her. Her writing makes me cry sometimes. She really knows how to appreciate every little detail of the food she eats. It's so attentive...also I love all the history she puts in - like over the top Greek banquets with the vomitoriums. It's really amazing. The Art of Eating includes all of her writings, it's a huge book.

peeds said...

I also like A CORDIAL WATER, with various "receipts to cure the ills of people and animals" Like Dr. Meeds' Certain Cure for the bite of a Mad Dog. Funny stuffs.

She really enjoyed food like no other. "Consider the Oyster."

hammy said...

HI MM, You are missed!

MM said...

Hi Hams. I miss your hair very very much.

PD, I need a receipt to cure my ills. This sounds interesting and helpful.

I have also been reading obsessively about gardening. About what plants are conducive to each other, what inhibit each other and what plants control pests. It's totally fascinating to me. I am losing myself into the flora.

hams said...

Fall into the flora, it will embrace you and it is your wardrobe forever. yes

Corny said...

OMG The Kingdom is the BEST! I love he whole incomprehensable nationalistic antagonism between the Dr. from Sweeden and the Dr. from Norway... am I remembering that wrong? I saw it at the Film Forum back in my salad days (?) and can't remember details but loved it.

dubz said...

hello emz. i cannot offer insight on these food books, but i send you dingleberry salad toppings that i made myself.

dubz said...

and a bottle of newman's own bile dressing in the classic vagina-shaped bottle. with dropper.

dubz said...

enjoy.

MM said...

Dubz I am really really enjoying it. It is salty, which I didn't allow myself to expect. Thank you deeply. From the bottom of my vagina.

MM said...

Oh and Corny - yes, the Swedish doctor - Dr. Stig Helmer. He hates Denmark and the Danish. One of my favorite scenes is when he arrives in Haiti with a Haitian guy who worked in the basement of the hospital. Dr. Helmer, who is normally rational, a man of science, anti-spirituality, is lured to the voodoo by promises of turning his nemesis into a zombie. The camera shoots him from above as he holds some kind of potion and screams "DANISH SCUM!!!!!!!!" at the top of his lungs.

I like thinking of Lars Von Trier in relation to the guy wrote the ABZ. We need to make a trip, we really do.

fairy butler said...

hi mm! i was just thinking it had been oh too long and viola a new post-a-roo. you need to catch those fish mm. although careful with the wild mushrooms. i wonder if quails r us is hiring? I am quitting my job tomorrow. for real.

The Capt'n said...

Mountain Man! How exciting! Everything is better with you around.
Congratulations on #600. That sounds as much as a million to me. Can't believe it.
I'm a little delirious rt. now. Trying to get my ass out the door to the waves. Kingdom fuckin' rocks, I agree. This is all I can say right now. Love.

MM said...

Congrats on the quitting FB!!! Really!!! I am all for quitting. Speaking of quitting does anyone know a certain female someone who is interested in teaching in Philadelphia? I am not kidding.

Hi Capt'n. I am eager to squeeze you in the way of the headlock and Kung Fu nation what-nots. I can't wait to view you on the 23rd.

dubzy said...

mm, my back is fucked and i need health insurance, otherwise i'd quit the donut shoppe and submit a letter of interest (or maybe try to get the job then quit, whichever is smarter). but why female? cuz guys are dumz?

sloth said...

Hi MM!!!!!!! I miss you. Yay for 600... now you can say "oh, that was way back in the 500s" and stuff like that.

Too bad about your fish; maybe you could try frying up the worms instead? My bro caught 3 fish on CC while we were there, and it is hard to watch them flop around. I have to remind myself that this happens with everything I eat, you just usually don't see it happening.

Your pond is so beautiful, mm. I have a fantasy of coming out for a day and doing studies of those crazy linear ripples. They are incredible.

krixfort said...

hi mountainy! please watch out for the toe. it bites.

other than that, the pond is a dreamy mcDreamerson place which I am dreaming of

right

now.

p.s. miss you

The Capt'n said...

MM, will you karate chop me too?

krixfort said...

Hi MM. Your name came on the screen at karaoke. The screen said "MM. . ." The singer interpreted as humming but we all knew it was a karaoke shout out to you.

MM said...

Krixy that is so nice of you to tell me. I am sad here up in the email nook. I am banishing myself due to the presence of mini UF and boyfriend. It is mostly ok but I want to hide anyway. For a few minutes. I want to practice karaoke in the mirror so I can play with you next time. Right now I am step-parent who needs to get away in order to be tons o' fun when I re-emerge. It is like that. Overshare.

Retard said...

Sorry to be such a retard it's just that pms is here and I am curdling and wishing to hang myself from the rafters. No hussy can save me now. I am engorged with pus and slime, and crackling like pig skins on hot asphalt. There is nothing but ooze. Smack smack is the sound that accompanies the ooze. I don't know why.

Dark Spiral said...

Somebody please stuff my mouth full of the hardboiled eggs.

Dark Spiral said...

Somebody please stuff my mouth full of the hardboiled eggs.

Hands of Hate said...

My hands have turned hateward. Must go cleanse.

Sssshhhhhhhhh said...

Dark spiral you must ssssshhhhhhh.

sloths said...

yolk-only is the best way to go, dark spiral, for maximum mealyness. Egg whites are for pussies. MM, can you release some tension by hurling large zucchinis in a shotput-like fashion? A moving target is best, for the challenge.

pd said...

MM! We all shouted it last night when it appeared as Krixy said. You were with us in spirit. Next time we will sing Journey or REO SPEEDWAGON together, yes? I have no shame.

dubz said...

MM, it wasn't the same without your deep knee bends. i anxiously await the day... private room... MM in attendance... it's almost pants-wetting to imagine. i may also shit myself with you in mind.

ramshankbootleganalbead said...

My fouling stench and gut busting intestinal dissolves are feeling better. Please, can you point me to the whores? I am ready.

Regi said...

8/16

I stopped looking at this blog ages ago. MM is dead. Stop playing a joke. If MM was alive MM would blog from a public library or take a laptop to Starbucks. I have a throbbing gristle video on my blog.

I am depressed because MM is dead.

MM said...

Oh Regi you make me feel bad. I am sorry. MM is not dead. MM wants to come back. MM is in a dial-up hell wherein he is charged for every single minute online. There is mucho frustrating quitting of programs through AOL. It is a dull response but true nonetheless. We come back next week. Then the blog will come back and hopefully someone will care. Or maybe no one will care and I talk to myself which is fine too. I am snacking on my forearms in the meantime.

pd said...

I care, MM. I am counting the minutes.

Regi said...

I have a confession to make-

I have been on dial-up since 1997 with the same company. Beginning to get frustated.

Well anyway MM I have been hangin with dubz a little. I like how her wardrobe matches her painting palette. And I have adopted one of her babies (it giggles at night).

sloth said...

MM, I fully understand the dial-up forearm-munching. It's like sucking a milkshake through a coffee stirrer.

Miss you to bits, ems. I will require some re-assembly when you get back in town.

martin said...

my confession is that i am at the library.

krixfort said...

here is a long overdue haiku pour vous, MM.


The A.B.Zs of
love still haunt. I miss MM
and the deep knee bends.

See you soon.

hearts,
krxfrt

dubz said...

whoa krixy. good one.

sloth said...

beautyful pome, krix.

I am so excited to see you again, ems! My inner thighs are blushing with anticipation.

lupin said...

M when do your return? I'm in desperate need of dance, my groin is tight and cobwebbed, my once toned dancer thighs sag like deflated elephantiasis. I've rolled my white low thread count pants up to the knee, the swamps are dry, the water is gone. please , now.

dubz said...

mm, is your computer fixt yet? we need some madness.

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