Yesterday as I was lying down for a spell in the coarse grass towards the back of our house which is actually the front (but let me say many many steps down a path away from our dirt road), the Mormons came upon me. I was in possession of bottoms and no top as I lay sunning, bleaching my chest hair and bronzing my manly cheez nips.
First I spied the telltale shiny van trundling up the road. Not many cars come up our road and most of them are dirty pick-ups with grisly types at the wheel. I hurried inside to put on my overalls, the ones with the beer cup holders at the hips. I walked out the front door and who do I see trespassing down our path but two Sunday-best-wearing Mormons. In the heat, the young man wore trousers and a long sleeved shirt and tie and young woman wore a high-necked blouse and skirt down to the ground.
He said "Are you worried about the wars going on in the world?" Holding his Bible out in front of him. "Do you think it's possible that there will be a time when the wars end?" I said no. No I don't think so. But please have a very nice day. I smiled very sincerely. I wanted him to see that heathens can wish you a good day too. I also wanted to tell him that I was an atheist and I hate Christianity but then I might have actually had to talk to them for a while. No good on that. The cheez nips may have been visible through the overalls which was already creating a sinful, shameful vulnerability on the homestead. MM nervous. Go away Mormons. Next time I will have a super-soaker if you walk onto my land again. I am going to join the NWRA (national water-rifle association).
23 comments:
LOL. Had one of those Bible punters come knocking on my door last week. I don't think we have many Mormons in North London, but they start with pretty much the same line. Usually a question to get you talking...
Hi Simon. You are lucky to be Mormon-free and in London. Stay away from the Bible, it causes a sponge-effect on the brain and drooling. An inability to swallow food. Hair-lengthening. Torso-swelling.
You might wonder how someone's torso could swell if you can't swallow your food. There is a migration of crispy nuggets up the tush. They stay there and burrow further up. That is my guess.
Hey Simon, that's a nifty headdress.
MM! Forget a water rifle. I'll bring up the slicer this weekend. We'll make Mormon club sandwiches.
Are the Mormons the bacon or are they the thing that bacon goes on top of. Let's do it. Slice them thinly.
They ain't the bacon. They are the other stuffs. Should we grill 'em too, just to be sure they shut up?
PUNTERS. I want to use this word in every sentence.
MM, we can rig a snare for the Mormon pesks. Then we'll tie 'em up make them watch the Camp Run-Amok debauchery. They'll writhe in agony for a spell, and eventually they will either die or be won over to our heathen ways.
One time when I lived at Le Shed in West Philly, the Jehovah's Witnesses came knocking. I think they asked if I believed in god or something, I forget. But I suddenly realized that if I said no, they would hound me and try to rope me in. I told them I was jewish, and they looked so confused. Like it really short-circuited them. I got the impression they had been geared up to talk me out of being some kind of christian, but they didn't seem to be expecting something else. Either that, or their policy on jews is forget about 'em. Anyway, it worked like a charm. Wonder how it would work on the mormons? Who, by the way, really freak me out. We have a big, Oz-looking temple here in Sandy Dayglo. btw, I bet they liked your overalls because don't they wear underwear that is simmilar?
gah. blogger is fouling. whole post just disappeared. wasn't that good anyway. but capt'n your underwear comment is spot-on.
MM Next time they visit tell yourself that they are Orgazmo Mormons and get freaky with them (tease only), they might not come back.
MM
Camping inspirations
hi emz. i'm bringing my devil leaflets this weekend. let's go over a plan of attack.
p.s. sometimes those mission boys are cute. just saying.
MM, I share your horror! Next time, take your shotgun with you to the door. Get off my property unholy ones! You must trust your instincts with these types. When I was a kid there was a Mormon household next door. 7 boys and one tiny pug-nosed girl. I hated them and my mom gave me religious pamplets to share with them about their religion and how the only way to heaven is through Christ, not Joseph Smith. The wives wear weird underwear if they get married in the Salt Lake City temple. They have to wear them always and even bath in them. So gross.
sorry, I don't really hate mormons. That is crazy talk.
no it ain't.
Are you still wearing the overalls with no shirt? Just a simple question.
Hams you are funny, it is so ok to hate the Mormons. Just don't hate polygamists, they are fine.
Capt'n, re: wardrobe. Yes. Overalls and no shirt, constantly. I never shower or clean them. I would like to buy you a matching pair and we can correspond or set up a blog about how it feels to wear them every day.
That's funny, MM. Count me in!
Some joke about Brokeback Mtn. should be made here.
capt'n, i can't quit you.
Help me Im trapped in Stamford CT at 4pm on the 21st and I cant go to NYC, bummer.
Im feeling better now. The hotel has a complementary computer in the lobby. I couldn't get my dose of caffiene and I have had a pounding headache, Starbucks is my pusherman. Im bored. I got my hair cut because Im so bored.
Thank you for being my therapist.
hi there...just stumbled onto the blog...needed to add this comment...this A.M. we had mormons at the door...a man in his 50s (thereabouts) a boy about 10 and someone i could not describe...they blocked the steps leading to and from the house...
me: good morning
50s: good morning (holding a black, zippered book in front of himself)
me: is this about religion?
50s: yes
me: I'm not interested in talking to you.
50s: have a good day, anyway.
I closed the door. Then it occurred to me...it's about religion, not about god...if you catch my drift...and the boy, why wasn't he playing on a glorious summer day...
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