Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Insomniac Shout Out

HEY! I am awake and it's real real early, the sky is not even up yet. I have invisible meats as fortresses in my inner cortex, it is not my brain, it is more like a shrub that grows by the onramp near my tubular ortho-placement stratification. I am excavating worms from the pile-up of madness that never ceases to exist.

For one I am allergic to the winds that rustle the leaf/tree dialectic and create low-frequency hissing noises in the loyal background. I am stuffed up. For another I am rumbling of pipes due to overfast consumption of certain items that are bad for my groin-intestine axis. It is an axis of dread.

I have a message for the ether which is that the rotund one can no longer foul me. I sent him a telekinetic tap-tap that said I do not want you to do things for me anymore and stop giving me uncashable checks. He still is owing much in the way of funds, funds that, believe me, I and my henchmen intend to collect, but I said no to him, I will give you nothing, no satisfaction, no goods, no representational packages, and I am less than concerned about his reaction. He is leaving on a month long voyage and when he returns I plan to say a forceful clear good-bye in person, followed by many many harrassing gestures towards him by me that are aimed at getting my funds. I am very clear-headed, untraumatic and excited for the nameless future. I am asserting that this future will be manipulation-free. The only manipulations I will allow are the ones I ramify in my backyard.

Thank you for your attention to these matters. I must stop the dribbling.

138 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hate my sister.

mountain man said...

I know.

Anonymous said...

the beast is a toxic braggart. Needs gagging with intensive therapy.

postmoderndebunker said...

Yo, MM, wazzzzzzzzzup?
I am so ready to kick the bulging ass of Mr. Rotund. You should stop at nothing to get the funds and to give him the runs! He deserves intestinal distress, among other things. If you need to borrow my deli slicer, of course I will oblige.

mountain man said...

Thank you PD. I am feeling confident, with my fists turning metal every time I consider him. I am looking forward to his return from Europe so that I may bash him.

Anonymous said...

Where is Europe?

postmoderndebunker said...

Why wait? I have contacts all over Europe who would take great pleasure in ramifying this guy with a rolling pin, if you catch my drift.

mountain man said...

Yes PD let's confer on this more tomorrow. The rolling pin idea may be just the painful ticket for this mass irritant.

mountain man said...

Anonymous, Europe is next to Asia and above Africa.

hate ape said...

i think europe is to the east

Luigi DiGiorno said...

Hey, I willa make a pizza pie otta thisa guy ifa you want.

Miramoto San said...

lotund man is vely, vely bad man and need to be spanked.

postmoderndebunker said...

Yes, we must confer and maybe even talk it over tomorrow.

hate ape said...

i would shave lotunds heavy balls , rusty blade and backing soda

mountain man said...

Yes PD. Exactly. Thank you Luigi, but perhaps a pizza would be assuming that this man has tastiness capabilities. i think he does not. He is too virulent. Think more about the pizza cutter and its possible uses. He will be in Italy so you will be extremely helpful.

mountain man said...

Hmmm. Backing soda. Not sure I know what that is, hate ape. Is it fizzy goodness for your back? Please tell.

postmoderndebunker said...

MM, I must warn you that I have made a minor adjustment in my appearance, which has lead to major repercussions. It is just something you should know before we meet at Mickey D's tomorrow.

Brother Stash said...

This man is code for idiot. I am dying to smash him. Maybe I will descend upon Italy and help Mr. Luigi with his pound and cut plan.

mountain man said...

PD I am entranced by this comment. What have you done?

Luigi DiGiorno said...

Ah wella, we willa know him whena we see him, I cana assure you ah that!

Luigi said...

My country issa known for taking outa the trash, ifa you know whatta I mean.

postmoderndebunker said...

Oh, it's just a small silly thing that has ruined my ability to slink around unnoticed. You may be able to offer some sound advice, 'cause I think I am liking it.

darth vadar said...

Don't forget Revenge of the Sith opens this Thursday. I expect all you jedi scum to attend.

Phantom Dennis the Menace said...

uh, as if! I hate all that Star Whores crap.

mountain man said...

PD what??? I must know. I just got a foul email from the rotund one. It is too ridiculous. I think I must not respond.

postmoderndebunker said...

Do not respond! You gotta show him you are in charge. He will keep trying in his sleezy way, to break you. But let Luigi handle it. I've used him for other jobs and he is terrific.

As for me... I did a little something to my locks.

YODA said...

hmmmm me thinks the phantom and the vadar might fight. me thinks sushi blamefull might have wise words to sooth the anger mmmhmmmm yess

hate ape said...

fuck yoda graaaaaaaarrrr, i'll chave your back

Preston said...

Hey all, what happened to all the sex talk we used to have here??

hate ape said...

preston blaaaach puike i give you a dirty juanita , come here and pull yuouure pants down

sloth said...

sloth recommends:
1. take a nap.
2. go after the motherfucker with a blowtorch.

Preston said...

Look Ape, I'm a well-meaning guy who has a penchant for oral sex, that's all. No need to get nasty. I am good at it and love to discuss it. But if you wanna talk Darth Vadar and stuff, I can't help you.

mountain man said...

Preston I would love to talk sex talk with you. But first, I must, naughtily, quote from the rotund one's email:

Showing your work at the gallery and art-fairs, exhibition expenses (shipping, rent, etc.) wining and dining critics and collectors all costs and I'm afraid currently the bank account is dry.

mountain man said...

PD do you have a fauxhawk?

mountain man said...

Please may no one link to or reproduce that quote anywhere for any reason. Please?????

sloth said...

poor, poor Rotundy

mountain man said...

Let me just reiterate that that quote is from an email in which he says he is leaving for Europe today and will be back June 10th. Also he acknowledges owing me MUCHO FUNDS and giving me a USELESS CHECK!!!!! I AM SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mountain man said...

My fists are not just metal but metal and fire. I am focusing my slit eyes and they are turning black. I am perpetrating searing pain in his groin.

sloth said...

Yes, those trips to Europe are expensive. The dollar being so weak & all...

sloth said...

You could try a voodoo dolly...

mountain man said...

Voodoo is good. I will try all of it today. Poison Anus may have to come out & help me enact worms in his raunchy fat gullet.

sloth said...

MM, don't despair. Artists always get the last word, never forget. Draw on your special powers and rally the troops. Then bug this guy until he gives in. Then the blowtorch.

mountain man said...

yes yes i will get what i deserve from him and he will in turn get what he deserves from me. i am ok. it's just this email was galling to say the least. it is therapeutic to release my toxins here. thank you all for hearing me out.

postmoderndebunker said...

Oh what an ass of the fattest order! Yes, Italy is expensive right now...so how'd he manage that? Whining and dining critics? That is not your responsibility.

I am ready with the slicer. They have even more powerful ones in Italy...

hate ape said...

ughssk the rotund one, has no penis does he! fruckg k

hate ape said...

preston come hear, sit on my lap i will sooth your backside whsiper sex talk in your lower ear

sloth said...

strangling with the bare paws is best, to feel the life force ebb away - most satisfying. No mess, no fuss.

Poison Anus said...

The lower ear is the same as the anus in some circles. Preston. I will give you what you desire. But first I am enflaming the Rotund One. He is not feeling good right now, let me tell you, and is taking mucho many trips to the bathroom. Incontinence is a word that applies here. Burning sensations is also an applicable term.

Anonymous said...

I hope his anus is on fire.

sloth said...

yes, with hemorrhoids the size of plums!

Jicama Hater said...

I hope this man suffers! Bring it on!

mountain man said...

Jicama Hater is an interesting moniker. I like Jicama usually.

I hope his hemorrhoids grow to the size of grapefruits. Maybe canteloupes.

Preston said...

I am not so sure about you Hate Ape. I am not interested in your brand of sex talk, I think.

postmoderndebunker said...

I like Jicama--it is very crunchy and refreshing!

mountain man said...

Preston, I would like to think of you without trousers. Is that something you would be interested in doing right now?

sloth said...

Sloth will send mole-rats to gnaw on his giant 'rhoids as he sleeps.

postmoderndebunker said...

I hope he is hit by an asteroid!

Kelly said...

I would like you to take off your pants too MM and PD. Sloth, I am not sure a sloth wears pants. But if you do, will you also remove them? And Jicama Hater, you too. Also, hate ape, although I am afraid to consider what he may have in there.

Preston said...

Sure, why not? Just as long as Hate Ape doesn't see.

mountain man said...

I will think about it Kelly. I am so at ease now with all of these dastardly suggestions and wishes from my precious fun friends.

sloth said...

giblets in the wind! yum!

Preston said...

I must warn you though, it is a lot to take in at once.

mountain man said...

Preston are you that well hung? Is it like a porpoise?

Jicama Hater said...

Okay Kelly, I am stripped down to the bone.

Kelly said...

Preston you sound alarmingly sexy. And Jicama Hater, are you without skin?

postmoderndebunker said...

I am eating a seaweed salad that has tasty Jicama in it. My boss bought it for me, for being such a prolific blogger.

sloth said...

sloth's bare bum is in the sun.

mountain man said...

you are lucky PD. I wish I could get treats for blogging too. Yummy salad. I would prefer a corn dog though.

mountain man said...

Sloth! Careful you do not burn!!

hate ape said...

preston you shy boy, wehy not ? I thinking poison anus wants to join me with you. we can make some sooothing sensual times!

Preston said...

I am Mountain Man, I really am. I have trouble sometimes finding women to sleep with me, because it can get painful. So I turned to the tongue wagging and now everything is grand.

Kelly said...

I am very florid right now.

Jicama Hater said...

Yes, I am peeled and exposed.

Kelly said...

I wish we could all meet by the pier and show off our sexual wares. I will pay all of you for sexy time. I am a female john.

hemmassive roid said...

i want to inflate and scourge the rotund ones anus, look i can block the sun, an eclipse and he will not poo for days

john walker said...

kelly i have plenty of chest hair, well conditioned and i have a naturla nutty scent when i walk fast

Anonymous said...

Praise the roid!

Mansfield said...

Praise Jicama!

sloth said...

Dear MM, sloth recommends a trip to the spa to wash the toxic effects of the rotund one down the drain. And a session with the cuddlemonkey, too.

krixfort said...

MM, this rotund one of whom you speak, I do not like him. He is of the type of person that krixfort hates. It brings out the meanness in kf. Tell Luigi to get out of the way because I need to put the hurtin' on this lame ass in a bad way.

Sloth is right. You go to a spa and relax. I will get you your moolah.

mountain man said...

Thank you thank you dearest Krix. What a day this has been. I have been goaded and have doled out my fair share of goading. I am looking forward to satisfaction on all fronts.

broken glass said...

feed me to the evil one. i will scratch his evil throat, and slice his innards to ribbons!

gash said...

do it!

PD said...

I just called my peeps in Italia, and they are ready for this joker...that is, if Krix. doesn't mess him up first.

Blaster Squad said...

We are cocked and ready for doom. We are like a brigade with uniforms and similar ideas all lined up. We have rocket launchers to blast with. We have him in our sights and we are marching heavily towards him.

ebola said...

a flesh-eating pox on tha fucka

Jicama Hater said...

I can see him too. I have a giant boomerang with 5 lb. Jicama balls cocked and ready to go.

Vile said...

I've got a vile of mad cow disease in my pocket and I'm giving it to the stewardess to slip in his Jesus Juice.

balls said...

i've got a 5-lb cock ready to burst open the 'roids!

thug #2 said...

I can smell him from here. I think he's got the runs or something.

Preston said...

So do I! (maybe 6 lb)

Flight Attendant said...

I believe I see him waiting for his flight. I am going to contact the master brigade squadron leader and have him begin the emissions.

Drastic said...

It is time for the most searing measures to begin. I think his anus is beginning to swell. I see it forming large bumps on the back of his pants.

Crematorium said...

I am waiting for him.

Thug #3 said...

I see poo stains.

Evilbot said...

I am Dutch and waiting in line for the flight with him. I am rubbing up against him. He likes it. I begin to lick him. He doesn't like that. I bite his leg. He can't shake me off.

annoying boy with a lisp said...

I see dead people.

ham paw said...

I have a lisp.

Anonymous said...

Hey Dutchboy, be careful, he is a target. Do not get close.

Goat Frenzy said...

We are hiding above his seat on the plane. We will invisibly emerge and rain goat poo and goat antics on his head while he sits for many many hours on the plane. He is too fat to fit comfortably in his seat. He is squirming from unhappiness, he is visibly irritated. This is good.

annoying boy... said...

So glad to hear it Mr. Paw. I am very self-concious

Dutch Alien said...

I have a lisp too Ham Paw. It is embarrassing especially when combined with my stuttering. I hate the rotund one too. I want to join in the hates.

mountain man said...

A lisp can be very alluring. I like lisps, I think they are sexful.

ham paw said...

The rotund one is hollow inside. there is a great cave inside his stomach. It is windy inside.

deKooning said...

I am waiting for him to come to the netherworld (not the Netherlands).

ham paw said...

has anyone tried the elixer colonix? just curious.

deKooning said...

I will brush mayo. and corn oil on his roids, along with lots of cadmium pigments.

ham paw said...

I hope to conform to the u shape in my heart. this medicine may strengthen the intestines so as to produce powerful response. The rotund one has no intestine.

Anonymous said...

Elixir Colonix--isn't that a band?

ham paw said...

This causes a tremulous sound. The cave is whistling lying tongues.

rupture sensor said...

Oh I sense a rupture coming.

Chimp said...

http://chimpland.blogspot.com/

all knowing said...

He is saving money on air fare by powering the plane with gassy bowels.

Anonymous said...

chimp. you are an idiot. go away.

colicky baby said...

I will scream in his ear during the whole flight. He will go slowly insane.

krixfort said...

perhaps when the rotund one returns from his trip, FB can summon the rat army to perpetrate some war crimes against him. That is, if he hasn't already received enough torture from the goat poo and goat antics.

medieval tactics said...

I will slice open his giant belly, and attach his small intestine to a big crank. I will slowly turn the crank until all of his insides are piled up on the floor. Simultaneously, my assistant will be peeling his skin off with a rusty cheese grater.

passenger said...

He is now vomitting from mad cow.

krixfort said...

mmmmmmm rusty cheese grater. . .

jesus christ said...

yes i say lets throw a crown of thorns on his head for good measure

infected eye hole said...

yes lets skull fuck him!

krixfort said...

jesus christ? What are you doing here? Did you come here looking for dirty whore? She hasn't been around lately.

holly shit said...

jesus christ!

Luigi said...

we are awaiting ata the airoporto. He willa nota getta way.

jesus christ said...

please krix, no matter what she is still my mother. PS i know what you did last summer

Anonymous said...

I don't like all this Jesus stuff.

holly shit said...

i don't either, it offends me deeply. someone please whipe my bottom

kitten #2 said...

This is offending my litter box sensibilities

blogger #129 said...

Yes, I am down with that, kitten.

kitten # 3 said...

Mine too! I am very unhappy here at work. people are weezing around me. And coughing strangely. They are taking away my happy healthy.

kitten #1 said...

My litter was once clean. It is soiled.

Anonymous said...

Blogger #129. Who are you? Are you human or kitten?

Anonymous said...

Blogger #132 Says sheep

sheep said...

Blogger #133

snowstorm said...

white out

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