I am trying to figure out what to wear for tonight's hoe-down. My two options are as follows:
1. Coon skin cap, overalls, no shirt (just freaky freaky amounts of tangled hairs), ballet slippers
2. Shower cap, housecoat, wax lips, cowboy boots
Please help me decide, or if you have other ideas, believe me, I am open to them. I get very skiddish in anticipation of these types of events, even if I know a gauntlet of goons will be there with me. Mental illness is what people sometimes call it. I do not feel stigmatized by this label.
60 comments:
Why don't you oil up your vest and wear that with a nice pair of baggy jeans?
I would go for the second option, but wear white reebok high-tops instead (with the velcro straps).
I initially thought #1 with the slight modification of those cute Japanese sock-shoes with the split toe upper, then I thought, "Why not fuscia rapepants with a Burberry scarf?" You still get all the chest hair and the bitches will know you mean business.
Nice PD. But perhaps my feet will be smelly in sneakers or boots. It promises to be very hot today. Maybe I should go with my Jesus of Nazareth style footwear. What will you be wearing? Will your tail show?
Bob! That is also a fantastic idea. The rape pants have not been taken out in a while. They have a low-slung crotch to hide the business that I will certainly be meaning towards the bitches. Brilliant.
What hoe-down? When? Why doesn't anyone ever telll me what is going on? I am so depressed. I am going to start the cutting again. I will jump. Tell me please.
Lee, who are you and what is your purpose? You sound unstable. Do you need pills? I am afraid you will rape me even as I am wearing my rape pants.
I was thinking of a pair of pink satin shorts with white trim, a john travolta t-shirt, a chef's hat and ice skates. I have cut a small hole in the rear of my shorts to show my tail.
Mountain Man
You give me a slick, slithery feeling. I am a snail around you, maybe reptilian. Where the pants. Where the pants. Oh God.
HOT!!!! But how will you navigate the solid ground in the ice skates?
I am interested in getting the rape pants--do they sell them at the Gap?
I am interested in getting the rapes.
Squiggles, I don't know what to say. That is awful-sounding, but I know you mean well. Please remember to clean up your slime trail when you are done slithering. I do not think pants will fit you, from the sound of you.
You can buy rape pants at Target from what I understand. They may sell them elsewhere but probably not the Gap.
I was not invited to the hoe down either. I too am depressed.
I am an old pro at that. I took a fitness class called "Blade Builder" where we wore ice skates and walked on concrete to build muscle in our calves.
I do not like the rapes.
Hi Bob. How are you? You are smart.
PD your calves must be the size of baby deer.
See. I knew you wouldn't tell me. This is what Beth tried to warn me about when she said you were unavailable. Isn't it. Isn't it. It is your fear of commitment.
Look. I promise not to bother you. I won't even dance. Consider me a wall flower. I won't even say hi. Just let me know what you are doing.
I swear I will take all the Percocet if you don't answer. I'll hang.
I am with you on that one Magician. I never enjoyed being raped when I was alive.
Lee, I don't know who you are. But you are welcome to come to the hoe down. It is free for all. But don't make me say it here. Please? It makes me feel wormlike to say it here.
I am sure you are a delightful woman, Lee, one who deserves to stay alive even in these horrid times.
Yes MM, I am strong in the legs.
But maybe I will wear my ching-chong shoes instead.
How will I know then Mountain Man? How will I get there?
I swear I can barely handle this.
If you put on your antennae, you will surely find it. If you listen to the mists you will know which way to walk.
Thanks lila.
I ponder the intricacies of functional fashion for a living. Rape pants came onto the scene not too long ago and I really do not believe anyone has made them into the statement they deserve to be. I bet with a pair of pink sequin pasties even a bitch could pull them off. Come to think of it, this is not a bad look for you Mountain Man. the pink would bring out the red highlights in your chest hair.
Listen to the mists.
Antennae.
What the fuck? I know you are not going to tell me. Why? I am dying inside. I swear I will end it. It's over.
I am writing nasty notes to post in the trash room for my neighbor.
Lee calm down. Please. Consult Bob. Bob seems wise and meditative, if a little madcap.
What are you saying?
I am high on percoset.
that sounds lovely.
I am high on life.
I am high atop a telephone pole, looking into Mountain Man's apartment.
Look. I am just saying I want to be there is all. I won't bother you. I can sit by myself. I am back on meds that can really help me relax. I am sure you won't even notice me.
Jesus. That is just it though, isn't it? You won't even notice me. God, what am I going to do? I am cutting again. It's a pretty little pattern of slashes up and down my thigh.
Somebody help me, I am being invaded by weird stalker/burglars.
Lee--stop the cutting. It is gross and messy. Think of the person who finds you and has to clean it up!
Yes, I see him. He is drinking, not from the skin, but from a can of TAB.
I am looking for things to steal.
It is really not that messy PD. I do it so there is not that much blood. It centers me, gives me purpose and a creative outlet. I like the little patterns, the necessary concentration and endorphin high.
But I know the cuts will get deeper if I can't go tho the hoe-down. Help.
Let's talk more about outfits! MM, you are a fashion highness. As for me tonight, I am tempted by the lavendar sweats, as always, they are my go-to outfit, but maybe I should mix it up a little? If I strap the hanging bellies in with a jockstrap I bet I could pull off a nice look. hmmmmm....
maybe some kind of indian style tunic with low hanging tighty whiteys?
strecth pants that have a green leg and a brown leg with a ruffle at the bottom combined with bike racer zip top?
I fear I have cut a little too deep. This requires attention, the professional kind. I hope to have this taken care of quickly so that I may find out where the hoe-down is. Thanks for the support PD.
Pd, your knowledge of innovative workout methods never ceases to inspire. I am dragging my ice skates out of storage. I will wear them at beige when I stroll to the coffee machine. I want to be tight!
I have always wanted to wear a burkha although i am unsure how to spell. This is how you will spot me tonight. burkha and afro wig.
I know exactly where to go for inspiration.
http://weirdbabe.typepad.com/threadbared/
She rocks and as do the outfits.
She is a Champ.
FB you will be the hottie of the night. I bow down to you. I believe I have settled on the satin low-crotch pants with hot pink sparkles at the waist. I will wear an oversized men's undershirt on top with the pasties underneath, you will be able to see them through the wide open armholes. I will also wear a feather earring in one ear and an eye patch in honor of PD. I will not wear shoes for I want to conjure a kind of genie look to go along with the pirate/solid gold dancer/old man look.
Check out the Paleface Poof from June 17th.
Good look. Good times.
And the archives are precious.
Bob I will go back and linger. What can I say? Amazing find. Corn husk sleeping bag, macrame owls and unisex draw string pants. The Ho Fro I think is what FB was thinking of. I am going back now.
Rib ticklers (June 9) with ribbed condoms, oh and leg warmers, now that's a look.
So much competition! Sloth was going to wear the slingshot, but now ... I don't know...
Sling shot--wear the sling shot.
you are all very fashion foreward. I am going with a minimalist burlap sack. I am trying to make a political statement.
My statement is this: Fur kills.
prrrrrrrr. Fur is killer.
Maybe electrical tape over the privates, a la Wendy O. Williams... removal will be like a brazillian treatment.
You will spot me in a peacock headress and leotard.
I am better, but Damian has contracted the cold. The bankers and seemingly unharmed.
Krix, maybe this is why I am dying, I am covered in too much fur.
Yes MM, it makes you extra sensitive to the universe-signals. Too much sensitivity can overwhelm.
Oh Slothy, I am so glad you understand me. What luck to have found so many lovely goons to share my hopes and dreads with.
yes MM, sloth is right. The fur sensitivity also tunes you in to the forces of nature. You might have noticed hyper-sensitivity to the state of the universe directly preceeding a natural disaster. I don't know if you have noticed this but it is documented.
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